I Think It’s Time To Talk About License Plate Holders

Vanity plates have been around since the beginning of time. Well, probably not that long, but close. As soon as humans were able to, we’ve been dead-set on making our possessions unique to us. That’s why horses were branded with sayings such as “8ACHRULZ” and “0ATS0WER”. Then came stickers, placed squarely on the horse/asses ass, that said clever things like, “My Other Horse Is A Mustang” and whatnot. But it wasn’t until the invention of the automobile that people came across one more tacky thing to put on the back: license plate holders.

For starters, in no universe was a license plate holder ever necessary. Sure, it’s holding the license plate, but the same bolts that hold the license plate holder could also just, you know… hold the license plate. It offers no utility because at the end of the day, there’s still going to be holes in your car. But nearly every car has them, despite the uselessness.

Most of them are quite innocuous. You probably have one and don’t even know it. I know I did. Most cars bought from a dealership leave the lot as subliminal shills for said car dealership. When it came time to switch the license plates on Rachels car, I had to ask very carefully, “Do you…uhh…still want the license plate holder?”. Her response was one of confusion, because even she didn’t realize it was there. For all we know, somebody from Charles Toyota planted it there while it was parked somewhere, knowing damn well the the owner wouldn’t notice. That’s how pointless dealership plate holders are.

Then there’s the commemorative license plate holder. You know, the one you bought your dad for Fathers Day the year his favorite team won The Big Game. They’re usually covered in rust and serve as reminders to other drivers that yes, as a matter of fact, the 2006 Carolina Hurricanes did win the Stanley Cup.

You also have the license plate holders that were too tacky for Spencer’s Gifts. The ones that let people know that the driver is “Sassy” or really likes a guy named Brandon. Some people switch out their plate holders for the upcoming holiday. And some get plate holders showcasing cars that they wish they owned.

And then, for some fucking reason, you have this license plate holder:

Wow. That exists. Just marvel in its absurdist glory. For those unaware (Mom (hopefully)), Brazzers is a popular studio for hardcore porno, usually of the rough variety. Constant spamming of advertisements on other porno sites have made it a household name among Millenials, but that doesn’t explain this. Have we gotten to such a low in society that we are willingly advertising porno on our own cars? You know there’s a kid in the backseat googling it. And then they’ll never look at their Stepmom or Stepsister or both the same way again. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children?!?

But also, who in the fuck would use this license plate holder?!?

The top suspect would be that they are the owner of Brazzers. I’m sure they would drive a BMW, so that checks out. But you would think that for something like that, a vanity plate would be in order. Surely, it’s not already taken. Also, there’s no way one would get made just for the owner of the company. So it’s probably not him.

Another idea would be that it’s somebody that works for Brazzers. Who works for Brazzers? People who star in pornos, that’s who. I feel like putting that holder on your car would make you an easy target for catcalls and stalking. The last thing that I want other drivers on the road to know is that they can see me having sex on the Internet. That would cause car accidents, as people would swerve to and fro, watching porno while driving 70 MPH. It just doesn’t seem likely. And the crew members? I doubt they want people to know that they foley sex noises for a living. So it’s probably not someone who works for Brazzers.

But maybe, just maybe, the car is property of Brazzers? In the industry, they call it a “Sex Car”. Things might be happening in that spacious backseat. This seems likely, but also not. This would make the car a target for cops. They would constantly pull it over in hopes of interrupting a porno and writing that sweet, sweet indecent exposure ticket. But it would also be a target for perverts. If you’re gonna film a porno in public, it’s best to be clandestine. All successful pornos are.

So the only real solution is that the owner of this license plate holder is a fan of Brazzers. For some reason beyond comprehension, they want the world to know that they love porno and are also okay with choking. Maybe there was a contest where the grand prize was starring in a Brazzers porno. 169 other lucky winners got a license plate holder. 10,069 winners got a keychain. Seems like a stretch. Perhaps the owner lost some sort of bet, but that theory still includes the truth that these license plate holders exist and are sold to consumers. But why? Why would you buy a Brazzers license plate?

So I could write a 900 word dissertation about it. That’s the only reason that makes sense. Owning the bloggers of the highway. Good job. It worked.

You know what else is bullshit? Keychains.

– TeeCoZee