Day 283: At Least We’re Halfway Done [Beer League Roundup Week 12]
What up, League Beer-ers? Yeah, I get it. I can feel the malaise, too. We’re rapidly approaching the dog days of Summer. Trades just aren’t happening like they used to, pitchers are constanly being stopped by TSA, we make last minute decisions on going to baseball games due to the risk of heat stroke and that guy that you drafted in the first round probably isn’t doing too great [unless you’re Joe, Paul or Rachel, which is a 75% chance that you’re not]. We just gotta keep pushing. The league is still more competitive than ever and for all intents and purposes, it’s still anyones game! Last week, our two marquee matches ended in a tie and the other 4 were complete blowouts. In other words, I have my work cut out for me. I don’t know what that expression means. Let’s just do it to it!
House of Brews IBUed RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure, 11-3
Kelsey can’t catch a save to save her saves. And Paul, well, I’m sure he’s got problems, too. But it surely didn’t seem like it as he handily handled Kelsey’s handful of hands. And her hands were nothing to shake your hands at. Charlie Morton, German Marquez and Nathan Eovaldi all went 7+ innings in their outings, allowing minimal damage. If half of her staff weren’t injured or having babies, she probably would’ve made the final score a whole lot closer.
Meanwhile, Paul’s Phenoms™ had a fucking week. Not only did they hit for stats, they hit for average. Trent Grisham, Fernando Tatis Jr, Adolis Garcia and Ke’Bryan Hayes all hit above .347 and even though Yordan Alvarez didn’t hit for average, he still knocked 4 dongers for 11 RBIs and walked 7 FUCKING TIMES. How does a player even have time to do all of that while still batting .240?!? That stupid Houston Witchcraft. Quietly, Paul has built an empire filled with every exciting young player in the league that doesn’t play for the Blue Jays. If anybody has a shot at dethroning Emperor Zook, it’s him.
GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi grew brand recognition and outsold Dollar Dogs, 10-3
This was the upset of the week. I guess everyone is coming to the ballpark with their stimulus checks, because they clearly don’t give a fuck about how expensive the hot dogs are. Suddenly, they want that fancy bullshit with the fried chicken cracklings. Meanwhile, Amanda spent all week standing alone in section 501, wondering why nobody wants any dollar dogs. Could it be that Colin was cooking his books? Or did he pay off the stadium management to get a more desirable vending location, while also sending Amanda to the dregs of the nosebleeds? We may never know. When asked for comment, Colin has the following to say:
Of course we cook our books! Our patrons expect a nice sear on their novelas and a pungent aroma from their epics that can only happen from simmering in an organic bone broth for weeks on end. And don’t even get me started on how we prepare our collections of poetry…
Well, there you have it. GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi was never a hotdog stand in the first place. Instead, they sell edible books. And somehow, they still outsold dollar dogs. Something still smells fishy. Or maybe I can just smell his boiled Moby Dick from all the way across the country.
Anyway Here’s Wanderwall changed his name in preparation to defeat US2 Onion Melter, 10-4
This one was way closer than I had ever anticipated. Matt had me on the ropes for a good portion of the week. My only saving grace was that getting swept by the Padres and no-hit by a Cubs committee pissed off the Dodgers and I reaped all of the sweet, sweet anger stats. It all came down to a calculated risk last night. With the Dodgers playing the only Sunday Night game, I was sitting on an acceptable 7-5 lead. I could have just folded and benched all my Dodgers to maintain that win. Or I could risk it all and try to scrape away a few more points. This could have easily resulted in Matt winning, but instead, my boys went on a tear. Needless to say, it was downright exciting and I give nothing but props to Matt for scaring the bejeezus out of me and making me take big gambles.
Stupid Dumbface Bruce Hooper woke up this week. He had yet to hit a home run at Citi Field in a Phillies uniform as of Friday morning. He then spent all day being heckled by me and thousands of others, telling him that he’s overrated and should go back to Nevada. After a while, he had enough and hit a majestic moonshot into the stands. Not only did it hurt the Mets, I knew immediately that it hurt my own team. That’s what I get for being a prick.
Team 2 Be Named L8er got a much needed boost by playing against the Connecticut Rainbows, also winning 12-2
When I said that it’s still anybody’s game, I meant it. All it takes is one good week to start a good roll and this one good week for Rachel put her up 2 spots in the standings. Suddenly, she’s only XXXXXXX games out of a playoff spot, with still a lot of season left to go. Now if only she could play the Rainbows every week, she’d be set. But the Rainbows are a gift for everyone. Anyways, here’s Hooked On A Feeling:
BQE Gongshow and Cheese Whiz tied, 7-7
Jake Cronenworth, in the simplest words, is a Dodger killer. So I’m not surprised to see that he gave PK 4 home runs this week, as I watched 3 of them with clenched teeth. Same goes for Manny Machado, who only ever tries against the Dodgers, as PK benefitted from his .381/1.048 slash line. He also has Mark Melancon, who shut the door on the Dodgers on back-to-back nights. See a pattern? PK’s team is the San Diego Padres, minus Tatis. And honestly dude, if you want Blake Snell, I’m sure we can work out a deal. Just collect the whole team.
Meanwhile, Amanda led the league in batting average, which can be attributed to all the Astros on her team that I won’t even name. She also got ridiculous starts out of Freddy Peralta and some guy named Zach Thompson, who both got double-digit strikeouts. As a whole, this matchup was very back-and-forth. The tied score was not attributed to laziness, but finesse. They both have extremely talented teams that are both clawing their way to relevancy. You always love to see it. Except when you don’t love to see it. A prime example of not loving to see it would be…
GERALD’S® FRAUDS and Batting Cages also tied like a bunch of tying tiers, 7-7
Of course. Of course it ended in a tie. I expect bullshit like this from pro wrestling, but not fantasy baseball. It’s a damn shame. It was supposed to be a fight for the ages. Bryan finally had a chance to personally put a dent into Zook’s lead. But instead, they realized that there’s room for both of them at the top and tied each other, flipping the bird to the rest of the league. They don’t care as much about their own personal success as they do seeing us fail. And personally, I’m offended. I’m also easily offended, but still. These guys made a statement this week and it’s up to us to remind them that their thrones aren’t actually safe. They could have cracks in them or really bad back support.
Also, this season is far from over. They can sit in their tower and drink their Zimas while we toil away. That’s fine. If we don’t have an uprising before the end of the season, we surely will in the playoffs. And then we’ll be the one drinking the Zima. We can even change the name to Zima League if we wanted to. The world is our oyster cracker, we just gotta dip it in the chowder so it gets a little soft.
Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to PK for double-streaming Merrill Kelly. He was the shining light on a dark, dark team as he led the D-Backs to their only two wins since the first week of the month.
The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Colin for dropping Jake Odorizzi for Cal Quantrill. I was about to give him the blue checkmark for Odorizzi, but then I saw that he dropped him for a guy that got lit up for 12.46/1.62. Meanwhile, Jake had two scoreless outings this week. That’s gotta hoyt!
That’s all for this week. As always, don’t forget to set your lineups, not set clocks ahead next Saturday and if you see a Gavin Lux sitting lonely on the waiver wire, give him a pickup. He deserves a good home.