Day 252: I’d Rather Shoot A Stoplight [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Hey, Clinton! Paint my chicken coop! It’s Friday, May 28th, Two Thousand and 21. The weather in Long Island City is 51˚ & Pantone 17-4821 and somewhere, somebody is climbing a ladder. It’s both a physical and metaphorical one. By proving that they are physically capable of climbing a ladder, they are showcasing their worth to the company. One day, they’re grabbing things from up high, the next day they’re grabbing thighs while high. That’s probably how promotions work. Maybe. They shouldn’t have gotten high before climbing a ladder. Or going to work. Man, the ladder is getting higher and higher. Or maybe they are. Or both. What were they supposed to grab again? And me? I would never climb a ladder while high. I would never climb a ladder, period. Me on a ladder is like a cat in a tree. I can get up, but there’s no way I’m getting down. I also have a thing on my mind.

– For all intents and purposes, I spent the whole day sitting in traffic. What was once going to be a 2 hour and 23 minute drive turned into something like 4 and a half. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s nothing in the world more infuriating than traffic for the sake of traffic. If there’s an accident that slows you down, at least you have something to gawk at and flip off. If it’s construction, at least you have something to gawk at and flip off. Those things make sense. They are the results of road use and it’s usually a tangible thing that you can see at the end. But traffic-traffic brings a whole new level of butt-hurt out of me. You are simply sitting still for hours because too many cars exist. There’s nothing you can do about it except make other cars not exist, which is not something you can actually do. And now that we’re in the age of GPS, half of the people on the road are being diverted to a small side street that can’t handle the traffic. Which causes even worse traffic. But without your GPS, how will you ever get home?!? That’s not sarcastic, I actually have a really awful sense of navigation. I got lost twice yesterday in Midtown. I didn’t think it was possible, but anything is.

So what can be done about all of these people jamming onto back roads? The main issue becomes traffic lights. Things get backed up in a hurry with those. You have thousands of cars trying to get through the light and on the other side, maybe 3 or 4 cars are waiting. But the lights are programmed to accommodate to both sides equally. So you have all this traffic backup because one Geo Metro needs to pull out of a parking lot and then the light remains red for 30 seconds. There has to be something the highway commission [that’s a thing, right?] can do about it. Because they know damn well when there’s traffic. They should be able to fix it.

In the 2007 documentary, Live Free or Die Hard, a hackerman got into the stoplight system in DC. He made all of the lights go green at once, causing total destruction and chaos. If some Cheeto-eating basement dweller can manipulate stoplights on his Alienware, then somebody working for the highway commission [if that’s a thing] should be able to do it for good. Get cameras on traffic lights. Make the congested side green until there’s a slight backup on the other side. Change the light, let the few people through, then go back to easing the traffic. For infamous hotspots, it doesn’t seem that hard. But then again, I’m not a hackerman.

One other solution would be to do what Christopher Lloyd did at the end of the cinema classic, Suburban Commando. He was also being pestered by a stoplight. So what did he do about it? He stole a laser gun from Alien Hulk Hogan and shot it to pieces. Everyone honked and clapped their asses off. He was a goddamn hero. He solved the traffic crisis!

– Try this trick over the weekend: take public transit. You don’t want to drive anywhere. Trust me.

Have a Happy Memorial Weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee