Day 206: At Least It’s Only The Beginning [Beer League Roundup Week 1]

Wassup, Beer League [and also to the people that for some reason is reading this [wassup, Mom]]? It’s me, your commish [son], excited as all hell to roundup our action-packed week 1, filled with actioning actioness. Aces got their tits lit, busts got dropped, sleepers got traded and dear god, what in the hell is going on with the Cincinnati Reds?!? That week was long as hell. Mainly because it was longer than a week. I don’t know about you, but by Wednesday I was slapping my arm, fiending for a streamer fix. I ran out of moves so fast, I spent my weekend fantasizing about all the great moves I would do if I could. Now, it’s Monday, we have our 7 player adds left, life is good, uhh….I guess I’ll pick up Wade Miley? And Yahoo is recommending that I should drop my only catcher for Brian Anderson? I’m doing great. Watch out, Matt!

Cheese Whiz smothered and covered GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi, 9-5

This was the team name matchup that I didn’t know I needed. In honor of it, Rachel and I ate cheese dogs. As far as foods go, Cheese Whiz is much more versatile than whatever the fuck a Hotdog Crown Chi is [which I assume is a hotdog covered in fried cracklings from the deep fryer at the Crown Fried Chicken on Flatlands Ave, covered in shitty cheese product that can only be described as “chi”], and Amanda drove that point home. She focused her time on stacking up some sneaky good pitchers. She got good outings from Kenta Maeda, Aaron Civale, Lance McCullers Jr and Jake Arrieta. On top of that, Matt Barnes and Freddy Peralta combined to spin 12 scoreless innings with 25 strikeouts. All of those pitchers were taken in late rounds. You could’ve had those pitchers. Shame on you. On the offensive side, Amanda dominated Colin handidly, slashing .274/.854 to his .240/.748. Although some of the stats were close, it was clear that Colin was more focused on acquiring 8th round draft picks than he was on the matchup at hand.

For those unaware, Colin is going to be offering everybody trade proposals throughout the year. His goal is to take everyones 8th round draft pick for next year, thus deeming the 8th round, “The Colin Round”. Who did Colin take in the 8th round this year? Lourdes Gurriel Jr, who spent most of the week on the IL. Yes. Thank you.

US2 Onion Belters hung onto a late rally to beat RBIed For Her Pleasure, 7-6

Get it? Hung on? Lolololol. This was the nail-biter of the week. Matt’s Onion Belter’s were unstoppable on offense. His .322/.902 slash line was the best in the league. This is probably because he utilized cheating scumbag pieces of koala shit, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman, who were seemingly feeding off the booing crowds. It’s the Chase Utley effect all over again. It also helped Roman Reigns defend the Universal Title last night. Boos work. And if you want to be like Matt and sell your soul to Satan for the sake of RBIs, well, it’s too late, Matt already did it. But it still almost wasn’t enough, because his pitching pooped the bed. Zach Davies and Brian Anderson had big time oof performances. Meanwhile, Kelsey pounded her pitching into the ground. She got multiple appearances out of 8 of her starters. A lot of us don’t even have 8 starters and she had them pitch twice. On top of that, her quantity brought quality, as she garnered a 3.32 ERA over 111 innings. Masterfully done, Kels. Now if only Garrett Hampson and Jorge Soler could wake the fuck up, she’d be a real force to be reckoned with…

Batting Cages Hit Batting Practice On The Connecticut Rainbows, 14-0

I made a huge mistake. Before the draft, I didn’t go out of my way to ensure that everyone was on board. Because of that, The Connecticut Rainbows drafted a dead team. And when I mean dead, I mean most of the players are injured. The autodraft gods were incredibly mean this time around. While the keys to were eventually passed on to longtime friend of the Beer League, Dave, I’m not sure how much he’s going to be able to fix it. Until the team gets magically fixed, any team that uses him as a punching bag is getting no credit or shoutouts from me. Anyway, here’s St Elmos Fire:

Defending Champ, Dollar Dogs, Continued Her Reign Of Terror On The BQE Gongshow, 12-1

BQE Gongshow? More like BQE BONGshow, amirite?!?!? Starting Greg Holland and Joakim Soria? Chyeah, maybe in 2015. He doesn’t even live on the BQE. He NEVER lived on the BQE. This dude’s a phony! And Kaitlyn exposed him for what he truly is. She won the Mike Trout Sweepstakes and he rewarded her with a .414/1.392 slasher. That says about all you need to know. She bet on the right Padres, as Wil Meyers was hot lava fire and Joe Musgrove pitched the first no-hitter in franchise history. A winner is her.

GERALD’S® FRAUDS and Team 2 Be Named L8er TIED?!?!?

That’s right, kids. Now that Holds are no longer a stat, we are back to 7X7 scoring. Which means ties are going to happen much more often. This one wasn’t just a tie, it was split straight down the middle. Joe handily took all of the offensive states, while Rachel got all the pitching points. And it wasn’t even close. The one deciding point was ERA, which they tied in?!? Rachel took the edge in that stat with a 4.44578313 over Joe’s 4.45212766. [EDIT: Yahoo fucked up. Rachel actually won decisively in ERA, but I’m keeping the previous sentence in there.] But of course, you already knew that, because math is easy. Ryan McMahon hit almost half of Rachel’s home runs, going yard 5 times. Joe benefitted greatly by betting on Vladimir Guerrero Jr, who’s finally coming out as the complete monster he was marketed to be. But as Linkin Park would say, in the end, it doesn’t even matter. Because they tied. And nobody likes a tie. Not even collared shirts.

Tommy Lasoda politely beat House of Brews, 8-5

I took a risk on Nelson Cruz and Justin Turner and they paid the fuck off. The geezers are only getting better with age. Meanwhile, Paul was the victim of bad luck. His first round pick, Fernando Tatis Jr, is on the IL and should probably get shoulder surgery that would sideline him till August. But of course, he’s probably not getting that surgery, so he’s just going to be made of glass for the time being. Just a tough break for Paul and the baseball world in general. Meanwhile, defending MVP, Jose Abreu, is off to the slowest start. But don’t count Paul out yet. He’s one of the best players in the league. I’m honestly received that I caught him on a bad week, as our matchups usually get pretty bloody. This time, it was just a polite affair. It won’t be the case next time around.

So week 1 is in the books, guys and gals! Remember to set your lineup, take your vitamins and if Yahoo tells you to drop your only catcher, tell them to go to hell!

– TeeCoZee