Day 089: Top 5 Stupid Things I Noticed In Line At The Grocery Store
That’s right, folks. Snowvaganza is coming! Everybody head to the store now to get a month’s worth of food! There’s going to be somewhere between 254 and 355 Millimetres of snow! That’s a shitload of snow! And while you’re at the store, you’ll notice that everyone else had the same idea as you. In the middle of a pandemic. Smart move, bozo. Who told you to go to the store?!? Either way, you’re gonna need to buy something and you’re going to be standing in line for a long time. While you’re in line, you might notice a thing or two. Grocery stores don’t count on you standing in one place for a long period of time, so there’s a lot left to be desired. Here’s some stupid things that I noticed in line this morning.
5) There are at least 38 different varieties of Oreo
Or at least that’s what I counted. Whoever said that Oreos are the perfect cookie can shove it up their ass [not a Limp Bizkit reference. Or is it?]. If it’s so perfect, then why do they keep trying to change it?!? There are way too many Oreos to choose from. You have original, reduced fat, mint, birthday cake, gingerbread, maple creme, chocolate covered, chocolate frosting, thin, extra thin, candy cane [which is somehow different than mint], double stuffed, medium stuffed, pizza, general tso’s, red velvet, the list goes on and on and on. It’s unnecessary. The next time I crave Oreos, I’m going to have a panic attack trying to figure out which one I want.
4) The robot voice
The self-checkout line stretches into the candy and cookie aisle. There’s a mysterious voice haunting that aisle. It’s been there for years, but I still can’t figure out where it’s coming from. Somewhere, behind the candy, the voice calls, “Thank you for shopping gum”. That’s it. That’s all it ever says. And because it’s on a motion sensor, it goes off every 20 seconds. That’s not even a good sentence. Thank you for shopping gum? What does that even mean? The gum shelf is probably the least popular shelf in the store. So they felt a need to install a robot to shout out an incomplete sentence, expressing gratitude for giving it some attention. That’s literally the only robot voice in the whole store. There’s no other voices saying, “Thank you for shopping eggs” or “Thank you for shopping hemorrhoid cream”. What makes gum so special?
3) Go Fish
I’m sorry, but Go Fish is the simplest card game in the deck. There is absolutely no reason that there should be a special deck for it. The game is fine the way it is. Just use a damn Bicycle deck! You don’t need a crappy rip-off of Nemo to encourage you to play. Kids love games, especially ones they can win at. They don’t need more help paying attention. Also, the game is Go Fish, but the kid on the box that’s suspiciously about to grab something is scuba diving. That’s not an efficient way to fish! They’re teaching these kids lies! The only positive to this is that they’re strategically located next to the Goldfish crackers. That’s a whole other level of impulse buying!
2) The poor bastard buying just a soda
You know the dude. He thought he could quickly get in and out because he works across the street. Big mistake. I can’t even feel sorry for him anymore. He know what he’s getting into. I think he just enjoys being inconvenienced. Pepsi and inconvenience: there’s no better duo.
I mean, when we were kids, the grocery stores were littered with stupid kids shit that only the biggest of sucker parents would buy. Is this a hold-off from that bygone era or do kids actually still like stupid shit? I didn’t think kids liked any tangible objects anymore. Why put on a fake mustache when there’s digital filters for that? Also, soul patches? Who in the fuck would want to fake a soul patch?!? Are they trying to look like the biggest possible asshole? The kid in the picture looks like the dude at the party that tries to target the girl with the least self esteem and chats them up about communism. Newsie cap not included. The packaging states that there’s 9 funky styles, but that’s far from the truth. There are actually 21 potential combinations, 22 if you want to count The Hitler. It’s also nice to see that they’re were inclusive enough to have french translations. That’s the real cherry on top.
So when you’re standing in line, take a look around. It might actually inspire a Top 5 list of your own. Or it’ll make you more miserable. That’s also a possibility.