I’d Rather Drive A Blazer For 30 Seconds [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. I saved your life! That egg sandwich contains sodium benzoate. That’s bad! It’s Friday, August 28th, Two Zero Twenty. The weather in Brooklyn is 86° & Pantone 14-4317 and somewhere, somebody is watching a talk show from yesterday. Now that schedules are no longer a thing, this person feels much better living in yesterday rather than today. Therefore, there are no surprises and any bad news can be ignored. They already know that the world didn’t explode and that the talk show ended like it always does, or else they would’ve heard about it already. What they don’t know is that the talk show from yesterday is actually a rerun from last year and “Hobbs & Shaw” is not going to be in theaters next week, as it’s already out on DVD. And me? I’d rather live in tomorrow. That way, I’d have an excuse for being confused all the time. I also have some things on my mind.

– To this day, I’m still baffled about how much ingenuity I lack. Maybe that’s not the right word. Handiness? Craftiness? Buildability? I’m not good at making shit. Nor am I good at fixing shit. Or doing anything with my hands besides holding sandwiches, which some may argue I still do wrong. It’s not that I’m clumsy or have bad hand-eye coordination, I’m just not good at telling my hands what to do. If you left me alone with a set of tools and vague instructions, I’m not gonna do anything until you come back and do it for me. That’s probably why my dad did all of my projects for school. He saw me fail miserably and decided that he’d seen enough. As a kid, I was fascinated with building stuff. I would marvel at pictures of Legos and other trinkets that kids build from scratch, but it never inspired me to actually do it. We had an arts and crafts book that came with our encyclopedia and I read it from cover to cover, over and over. Not once did I try any of the projects. I couldn’t cut straight, draw or color inside the lines. I was the very model of a kid that’s bad at being a kid.

But that’s not to say that I didn’t have a wild imagination. Instead of building things with Legos, I would dump them out on the floor, put pieces together at random and imagine that it’s something completely different. Instead of building environments for my action figures to exist in, I’d just use the space as is and fill in all the blanks in my head. And that’s all I would do. I would imagine, because seeing is overrated. At recess, I would meander around aimlessly while writing a one-man adventure in my head. And doing that shaped the man I am today. It’s the gift/curse of being a writer. I won’t be able to build you a house, but I surely can describe one to you, piece by piece. You can’t have it both ways. Anybody that claims to do both is probably on Adderall. Or an architect. Next time I can’t get a screw in properly, I have to remember that I have the gift of words, so therefore, I can tell someone else to do it. And I’ll do so eloquently, damnit!

– I saw the most disgustingly awesome car stuck in traffic yesterday. Among the endless line of faceless modern cars was one that screamed, “fuck yes” and other words like, “boogie”, “radical” and “chyeah”.

Just look at that beautiful sonofabitch. It purred like a cat and I’m sure the upholstery was just as soft. Or leathery. Can cats be leathery? I’m not the type of guy to drool over cars, but give me a Blazer and take away the roof, hoo boy, I’m gonna mark out. I sincerely wished that I could be that guy for 30 seconds. Just 30 seconds. I want to be able to feel the wind in my hair long enough to get sick of it. Plus, that guy has probably been through some shit. Probably some Nam shit. I really don’t want that hanging over my head. I have enough problems as it is. Also, he’s going to New Jersey and doing so very slowly. I’d rather stay in Manhattan. Just 30 seconds is good enough.

– Zach definitely writes more than me and is also more crafty, which leads me to believe that he’s on Adderall. He did a piece this week on Video Game food and it’s disconnect to reality. What he failed to mention is how fat you can get in GTA San Andreas. He also made praise of how well video game characters eat, oblivious to Streets of Rage 2, in which you eat entire fucking Thanksgiving Turkeys for health. If I’ve been mercilessly beaten up and stabbed by punk rockers, a Thanksgiving Turkey is not a wise snack. It would take forever and make me sleepy. But instead of giving my two cents on how you should diet in video games, here’s the Top 5 Things I Do In Real Life Because Of Video Games:

5) I sometimes wander around stiffly, imaging that I’m Ryo Hazuki trying to find tattooed sailors

4) If I’m riding in a car long distance, I’ll picture Sonic running alongside the car, jumping obstacles on the way

3) When I’m watching baseball, I’ll call my own pitches and then get mad when the pitcher doesn’t listen to me

2) When I’m hiking, my platforming skills come in handy when I have to jump from rock to rock

1) I’m always running over hookers finding rails and surfaces to grind on with the skateboard in my head

– Today, I decided to switch it up and eat my breakfast standing up. I was convinced that it was a good idea and totally not something that I saw in a Wes Anderson movie. Rachel was perplexed. I tried explaining that I was doing it to save time. Because if I sat down, I would get comfortable and take longer to start the day’s tasks. She thought about it for a second and then said, “okay” in the same tone that she used when she broke it to me that whenever I’m in a hurry, I don’t move any faster, I just breathe harder. And she was right to be skeptical. With all the time I spent pacing around the house not chewing, I could’ve been sitting comfortably. I wore myself out a lot quicker and couldn’t find a groove. As soon as Rachel left for work, I sat down on the bed and watched Beastie Boys videos on my phone for a half hour. I really should’ve just ate sitting down. This article would’ve been done by now. Err, wait, it is. done Or at least as you read it, not as I write it. Time is overrated.

– Coze’s Snack Or Bev Or Whatever Of The Week is brought to you by…uhh…Smartfood Butter Popcorn With Crunchberries?!?

I’m genuinely confused. Dry cereal and popcorn? Is this some sort of Brunch thing? This harkens back to the 90’s when food makers were trying to find ways to trick kids. Like colored ketchup, Velveeta broccoli, bubble gum toothpaste and Gogurt. So Frito Lay decided to trick kids into eating popcorn. But really, do kids really need to be tricked into eating popcorn? Kids fucking love eating popcorn! I used to eat that every day, and I didn’t need crunchberries, caramel, candy or colored seasonings. Popcorn is just good in general, like freedom and jazz. Also, the idea of mixing butter popcorn with sugary cereal makes my tongue confused. It’s literally pacing around in my mouth, not sure of what the texture would be like. I took a picture of it and sent it to Rachel as a joke. And she..uhh…made me buy it. To my horror, this bag of schizophrenic crunch matter is sitting 5 feet away from me. Just staring at me. Mocking me. The Cap’ns crazy eyes are daring me to try it. I really need to stop pretending that snacks have minds of their own. This isn’t the first time that it’s ruined my day.

– Try this trick over the weekend: mix sour cream & onion chips with granola. You can call it, “Sour Cream & Onion Chips With Granola”. You’ll be rich. Have a snacky weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee