I’d Rather Eat Pizza [Pizza Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. I thought you might like this restaurant, Bart. They’ll make a pizza pie with a topping of your choice. That’s good! The toppings contain potassium benzoate. That’s bad. It’s Friday Saturday, February 22nd, Twenty-Twenty. The Pizza in Brooklyn is $12.49 & Pantone 485C and somewhere, somebody is ordering a pizza. They want pepperone, for sure. But also mushrooms. Maybe some sausage. Ooh, they should put on green peppers, too. And onions. Definitely some ham. Olives? Why the fuck not. Might as well live a little and put some bacon on it. Anchovies? Sheeeeit, only if it’s free. It’s not free. In fact, none of it is. When it’s all said and done, the pizza comes to $28.42. Ordering extra toppings adds up. Because you know damn well that the 6 onion slivers are worth $1.50. That’s just common sense. That’s the price you pay for the supreme lifestyle. And me? I just order the supreme pizza. It’s way cheaper, dummy. I also have some pizza on my mind…

– I’m gonna order myself a pizza. This is because I’m a full-blooded thirtysomething American dude. Eating pizza is my favorite past time. And it’s probably yours, too. Pizza is like jazz music: it’s universally loved by everybody on the planet. Pizza probably sounds good to you right now. You should order a pizza. Even if you aren’t hungry, you can always save it for later. You won’t regret it. And even if you don’t eat pizza [which, you do, obviously], somebody else might enjoy it, like a roommate, child, dog, exterminator, mailman, burglar, literally anybody. Pizza makes you the ultimate host, which in turn makes you the ultimate person. So let’s order a pizza together and while I wait for my pizza to come, I will write about pizza.

Because pizza.

I can’t wait for my pizza.

– Top 5 Pizza Toppings
5) Ham
4) Sausage
3) Pepperone
2) Olives
1) Mushrooms

– Pineapple on pizza is bullshit and anybody who begs to differ is only doing so to sound unique. I am so sick and tired of Hawaiian Pizza’s existence. Every single time a group of people needs to decide on a pizza, some asshole brings it up and it becomes a conversation. Once a month, I see somebody on Facebook coming out with their fists swinging, ready to defend pineapple as if anybody cared in the first place. Okay, I get it. I’m not saying that pineapple pizza is not pizza. But you’re an asshole for claiming that it’s your favorite. It doesn’t make you special, it makes you dumb. It’s like saying that your favorite bread is banana. Or your favorite taco is covered in chocolate and filled with ice cream. Or your favorite fruit is tomatoes. Or your favorite school subject was lunch. Or your favorite Pink Floyd album is The Final Cut. Or your favorite Wes Craven movie is The Music of the Heart. Or your favorite football player is Bill Goldberg. Or your favorite baseball player is John Elway. It’s not actually your favorite. You’re just saying that it is because you think it will turn heads and you’ll look cool/smart/fuckable. It won’t. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy pineapple on pizza. Go ahead. It’s fine. But keep it to yourself and stop expecting that a whole room of people would also want it.

– Top 5 Pizza Crusts
5) Heart-Shaped
4) Sicilian
3) Detroit-Style Deep Dish
2) Stuffed Crust
1) Chicago-Style Deep Dish

– Notice that I didn’t put New York Style on there. Because New York pizza fucking sucks. The crust is usually flavorless, burnt and paper-thin. Most of the time, it feels like an appetizer. I’m a dude that loves his toppings. But when you put too many toppings on a NY crust, you need three hands to hold it up. And then the grease runs all over your hands. All around, it just plain sucks. To be completely honest though, the reason why I hate New York pizza so much is the same reason why I hate the Yankees. Their fans are annoying as fuck and do nothing but brag about how great it is and mock the supposed inferiority of the other ones. New Yorkers scoff at the idea of needing a fork to eat pizza. Well guess what, fucko. Deep dish is a substantial meal and you genuinely get more value for your buck. Along with leeway to eat more cheese and toppings. WHY WOULD YOU SAY NO TO MORE PIZZA? Now, I’m an agreeable guy. I may have just complained about New York style, but I still willingly eat it all the time. Inversely, it is almost impossible to convince a New Yorker to eat deep dish. And I just find that to be sad.

– Top 5 Pizza Chains
5) Uno’s
4) Papa Johns
3) Dominos
2) Pizza Hut
1) Little Caesers

– Outside of Michigan, Little Caesers gets a lot of flack. And I get it. People view it as “value pizza” or “fast food”. People automatically think that because it’s so cheap, it’s disgusting. Those who grew up with it feel differently. See, there was a time where Little Caesers was premium pizza at a premium price. Most of the locations were sit-down restaurants that you’d take the whole family to. And then, amidst a looming recession and stiff competition, they revolutionized the pizza industry. They made it affordable again, and they did so without cutting that much quality. Now, I can’t vouch for every location, as they are independent franchises. Some of them are definitely owned by the same booger-eating fucks that own Crown Fried Chicken locations. Sometimes, the quality is not consistent. But when you find a Little Caesers location that has morals and integrity, you’re going to get a damn good pizza for $6. Also, fun fact, Little Caesers pizza is actually better after being refrigerated overnight. Leftover Hot n Ready is the true Breakfast of Champions. To this day, I still buy Little Caesers pizzas and put them immediately in the fridge. That cold pizza might even be my last meal.

– Top 5 Movies That Make Me Want To Eat Pizza
5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4) A Goofy Movie
3) Home Alone
2) Fast Times At Ridgemont High
1) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

– Pizza in movies is a magical thing. You could watch a movie where people are eating sandwiches and nobody would care. Sling Blade doesn’t make you try dipping french fries in mayonnaise. There’s just something about–MY PIZZA IS HERE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I HAVE PIZZA!

Try this trick over the weekend: Eat pizza!

Have a pizza!

– Pizza