I’d Rather Have My Wife Write Titles For Me [Friday Thoughts w/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. There’s one thing they forgot to take away from us: this rag on a stick. It’s Friday, December 27th, Two Thousand and Nineteen. The weather in Chesaning is 37° & Pantone 14-3949 and somewhere, somebody is screwing in a light bulb. They’re doing it with slow and deliberate conviction. With every little squeak, they wince to anticipate the light coming on. Their fingertips are ready to feel the sudden soft warmth. Like waiting for the puff of air from the optometrist, their wrist slowly rotates. When will it come on? When will the thread stop? Is it even being screwed in or are they just rubbing the plug against the side? They carry on, dreading the moment that flash blindness engulfs them. And me? I make sure the light fixture is off before I start screwing. That’s just common sense. I also have some things on my mind…
– Technology and fashion have always worked together in waves. Once upon a time, when cellular phones were clunky bricks, it was fashionable to have the smallest phone possible. Then, when they became better at being a computer than calling people, fashion dictated that bigger was better. Now, we’ve all settled on a medium size that everyone can agree on. The same can be said about headphones. We gave up our headsets for earbuds, then decided that we needed gargantuan studio sets and ultimately settled on Airpods. Anybody that doesn’t have those $200 earrings dangling from their lobes is simply a faceless poor. People live by their Airpods and they want everyone to know. With that in mind, why are they still trying to make hearing aids invisible? If I see an old person, who I know has hearing problems and their aid is seemingly invisible, I’m going to assume that they can’t hear me. I would speak loudly to them in a manner that would probably hurt them and whatever fragment of eardrum they have left. Wouldn’t it be more helpful to have hearing aids look like Airpods? That way, we know that not only can they hear me, they’re also hip cats like us. We shouldn’t be hiding our ailments, we should be wearing them like merit badges.
– There are certain facts that are undeniable in life. The sky is blue, water is wet, ice needs to be left alone and most song lyrics bother me. But instead of shrugging it off and singing along, I always feel the need to pick it apart. Here’s a couple of song lyrics that have bothered me recently:
I’m stepping on buildings, cars and boats. I swear I could touch the sky. I’m 10 feet tall.” – Afrojack
This song is a nice metaphor for how somebody’s love can make you feel invincible, or in this person’s case, taller. That’s really cool that he could step on cars and boats. I don’t know why he would want to step on cars and boats, but if he’s into that kind of thing, more power to him. Maybe he has some Godzilla fantasy complex. But you know what’s typically taller than 10 feet? LITERALLY ANY OBJECT THAT COULD BE CONSIDERED A BUILDING! Even short ones are like twelve feet! If you are ten feet tall, you are still not stepping on buildings! YOU ARE NOT TALL ENOUGH!!!
If you put 2 and 2 together, you will see what our friendship is for. If you can’t work that equation, then I guess I’ll have to show you the door.” – Spice Girls
This song is your typical 90s banger that gives a list of demands. All great dance songs of that era told us to do things, whether we’re pumping up the jams or the volume. So the Spice Girls want us to do the math. 2 + 2 = Friendship? Between 2 people? Or 5 of the Spice Girls? Nope. You know what the answer is? TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS FOUR! It doesn’t equal 2 or 5! Your math is wrong! YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO BE SHOWN THE DOOR!
– We were watching Home Alone on the flight because Christmas [despite popular belief, it is not because Zach put on his film cricket hat last week. I can assure you that it was because of Christmas]. There was a seemingly innocuous quip that Catherine O’Hara made that bothered me greatly. Like really shook me. It changed my perspective of the whole movie. In the beginning, John Heard is looking for a voltage converter, to which Catherine has none. Agitated, he asks her how he is supposed to shave. Her response? “Grow a goatee”. What kind of uneducated psychobabble is that? You need to shave in order to grow a goatee. Or else it’s just a beard. Unless John Heard has some weird genetic disorder that only allows hair to grow in a goatee formation, her joke makes absolutely no sense. Somebody who’s so irresponsible with personal hygiene would clearly abandon a child on vacation [twice]. Based on that line alone, the rest of the movie unravels so predictably. It’s even in the plot synopsis:
An eight-year-old troublemaker must protect his house from a pair of burglars when he is accidentally left home alone by people that don’t know how beards work during Christmas vacation.
Somehow, our flight was so short that we didn’t even get to watch the whole movie. But I’m sure if we did, I’d find something else that’d prompt sighs and rolling eyes. After all, this isn’t my first time complaining about Home Alone. In fact, the first ever Friday Thoughts was aptly titled, “I’d Rather Call If Some Kid Commits A Bunch Of Crimes 2”, in response to the disgusting ultraviolence in Home Alone 2. That’s actually how the title format started as well. It just became a thing I did out of habit, and now it’s trademarked. Even my wife is writing titles in her head.
Top 5 Friday Thoughts Titles That Rachel Made Up Just Now
5) I’d Rather Not Have A Goatee
4) I’d Rather Not Lick My Lips Like A Weirdo
3) I’d Rather Have A Wife That Does All My Writing For Me
2) I’d Rather Be Chewing Gum, Unconcerned
1) I’m Guy Fieri
Full disclosure: Ever since I wrote The Thoughts last week, Rachel cannot stop laughing about her Guy Fieri impression. She is now reading me write this and there are now tears in her eyes, because she cannot stop laughing at her nonsequitor. She now wants to get a Flavortown tattoo. She’s going to let me get frosted tips. She even offered to pay for them. Get yourself a lady that would pay for it, noamsain? High five, Brotendo!
[Editor’s Wive’s Note: I will not be paying for frosted tips. But you bet your ass that I *AM* Guy Fieri.]
[Now I’m just confused. This reminds me of that movie, “Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married To Guy Fieri?”]
– If there’s one thing I’ve learned about people through advertisements, it’s that a cup of coffee is best enjoyed while looking out the window. Everybody does it. Go ahead and look it up. I’ll wait. This morning, I attempted to become part of this popular stereotype. I needed to see what it was all about. So I brewed myself a cup of coffee, poured it in the Winnie The Pooh mug that my sister and I gifted for Mother’s Day ’95 and looked out that damn window. Hmm. Huh. Hrm. There’s nothing going on. I thought for sure I’d see something cool. But nothing. Just a blank lawn of dying winter grass. No squirrels running amok, no neighbors tending to their plants, not even a bird to peep. I have to say, it was really disappointing. It took me about 46 seconds before I gave up and retreated to the living room to watch The Godfather. Al Pacino > Windows. Gabbagool fuggedaboutit pastafagioli!
– Try this trick over the weekend: install a TV in your windowsill. Then you could drink a cup of coffee and watch The Godfather!
Have a gaze-y weekend, everyone!