I’d Rather Throw A Pie In Her Face [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Gull Marman. It’s Friday, October 3, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 64˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is staring at his/her child, wondering where the hell this creature actually came from, what its purpose is, if it is going to go through a satanism phase and why in the hell is it putting moldy Legos in its mouth. And me, well, I’m just wondering how Legos grow mold. I also have a few other things on my mind…

– I’ve been having some sleeping problems lately. Not the kind where I’m tossing/turning/grinding my teeth or the opposite one where I sleep through my alarm clock/phone ringing/hurricane. I moreso have a problem with hitting the snooze, which I will end up doing for hours. It just becomes a looping pattern of me jolting up, saying to myself, “9 more minutes” going back down and then immediately going back up. It doesn’t help me get rested at all, I’m assuming it’s just compulsion. This morning, I was falling into the same pattern. But then I had a quick dream where I was in a room with a bunch of kids that were dousing themselves in rubbing alcohol, just to see which one is the toughest. There’s no going back to bed after that. I should try to weird myself out more often. Then maybe I’d be more productive in the morning. If I ever fall back into the loop, I gotta convince myself to dream about Bob Barker punching himself in the dick over and over again. That’s what I call making money!

– Top 5 Things That I Overhear Rich People Talking About:

5) The weekend
4) Work-related shit that I don’t understand
3) Booking dinner reservations at a place I’ve never heard of
2) Beyonce
1) Themselves

– After working in the grocery industry for the last 7 years, I’ve developed some curiosities with labeling standards. First off, there’s the issue with “Grading”. And by that, I mean that a lot of foodstuffs are remarked as Grade A. Did somebody actually grade all of these products? If he did, it must’ve been an easy scale. In fact, the only “Grade B” product that I know of is maple syrup and coincidentally, it’s more fucking expensive than Grade A syrup! The shit is like $30 a bottle. [This leads me to a brief tangent where I’m confused about raw and unprocessed foods being more expensive than their pasteurized cousins. I feel like pasteurizing a product takes up more time and man power and should be more expensive, but it’s not the case at all.] A similar gripe of mine involves the sizing of eggs. There’s Large, Extra Large and Jumbo. The fuck? Why can’t the standard be Small, Medium and Large? When I see the word large, I automatically think “biggest”. Fuck the presence of Jumbo. Jumbo seems unnecessary. Shopping for eggs is very similar to shopping at a Big & Tall men’s clothing store. Now the grade and sizes were probably set a long time ago, when other variances actually existed. I just feel really bad for the poor bastard farmer that could only produce Grade D Small Eggs. That guy made no money at all.

– Top 5 Things That I Overhear Poor People Talking About:

5) Clothes
4) Family-related shit that I don’t understand
3) Getting dinner at a chain restaurant in Times Square at midnight
2) Beyonce
1) Themselves

– I saw a girl on the other side of the train. She was the P.G.O.A.T. [Prettiest Girl Of All Time™]. I spent a good 10 minutes entranced by her as my heart bled out love vibrations to her larynx. Finally, she got a seat right across from me. I looked her in the eyes and realized that she was covered in pimples, was sweating/glistening profusely, grinding her teeth, fidgeting and muttering to herself. But at least she wasn’t a dude? If I had a banana cream pie, I would’ve thrown it into her face and we’d get married. I’d cook her Spaghetti-O’s on Thursdays while she breaks Ukeleles over her head and pantomimes being on a roller coaster. We’d live happily ever after.

– I wonder if anyone has ever run a study on the general happiness of people that are sitting down as opposed to those standing up. The results would be predictable.

This week’s Letter To Coze comes from crazy taxi city rush Hack tool:

I enjoy looking through a post that will make men and women think. Also, thank you for allowing me to comment!

-crazy taxi city rush Hack tool

You’re welcomes.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Eat 5 pounds of deep-fried diner food, then try to run away without paying.

Have a stomach-clutching weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee