I’d Rather Listen To Covers Of George Clinton B-Sides [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Marmalade. Damn good Marmalade. Can you share the recipe? No? Then get out of my house. It’s Friday, January 31, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 31˚ & cloudy and somewhere, a guy not so much regrets quitting his job, but rather the fashion in which he did it; spraying Faygo Rock and Rye all over the receptionist while making out with a plant. Some people are Juaggalos for life. Meanwhile, I’ve got a few things on my mind.

– Police ‘Copters don’t make much sense to me. They just seem so aimless and weird. Are they always in pursuit? Do they stay parked somewhere during their downtime? Where the fuck do you park a helicopter in the ghetto? [I can only assume that they park them in the ghetto, as you never see those lightning bugs in Battery Park Citay, noam sain?] Or are they just hovering around until somebody calls in a pursuit? I bet 80% of the times you see them, they’re only around for show. They’re scaring you into thinking that either a crime was just committed right next to you or you better not commit a crime within the next 5 minutes, or else that helicopter will see you do it and hunt you down with their machine guns. But helicopters can’t have THAT good of vantage points. They’re way too high up to spot a perp in the dark. Especially one that’s trying to act normal after noticing that there’s a big ass alien bug in the sky lurking behind him. Way to be Captain Obvious, NYPD! Also, before the age of GPS, those helicopters had to be even more worthless. How did they even know what street they were hovering over? Somebody, please, just explain the science behind Police Helicopters to me!

– Top 5 symbols of the 90’s that nobody can explain the hype of:

5) The Joe Boxer Logo
4) Ying-Yang
3) 8-Ball
2) Peace Sign
1) Flaming 8-Ball

– “YEAH, HE WUZUNT DARE WUZHE? REMEMBER LILLIAN?!?!?!? YOU REMEMBER HIM, HE WUZ UR BROTHER?!? YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! HEWUZDERE!” – Some extremely angry man talking to some guy on speakerphone outside my window, 45 seconds ago.

– When I was younger, I was kind of waiting for Motörhead to come out with a 52-song concept album entitled, “The Full Deck”. And there’d be 2 bonus tracks entitled “Joker’s Wild” and “Hoyle Rules”.

– I really don’t know how to talk to kids. Most of the time, I just talk to them like I would talk to a cat: like a normal human being, but without the expectations of a human response. For example, a kid came to my register yesterday and we had the following exchange:

Kid: Hi!
Me: Sup.
Kid: How much am I worth?
Me: That depends. Are you talking monetary value or personal value? Because personal value, you might need to assess that yourself.
Kid: I’ve got 10 cents!
Me: I can sell you a jalapeño, but that’s all.
Kid: Yuck!
Me: Where’s your parents?

Kids put me on edge. They’re unpredictable, so I always end up expecting them to act like normal adults, which would be the most unpredictable thing they could do. The only other option would be to pretend that they’re stoned all the time. If I ever had kids, they would eat a lot of Funyuns.

– Is Winter getting you down? Feel like you have nothing to live for? Is it so cold that you can’t even find the medicine cabinet? Well, fret no more. You now have something to look forward to. And it’s only 176 days away!!! THAT’S RIGHT! IT’S NASTYPOOLOOZA PART 6! There’s be a pool! There’ll be water in the pool! You can stand in it! I’ll be there! There’ll be hamburgers! YOU CAN WATCH ME EAT A HAMBURGER! And the best part of all: IT’S NOT GOING TO BE COLD! COWABUNGA! Mark July 26 on your calendar, yo.

– I saw a friend at a birthday gathering a few days ago. She asked me why I didn’t respond to her message. As you might remember from last week, I got a picture text from an unknown number, with a picture of me and a bunch of hashtags. And my friend’s name is not Iggy Zimmerman. Backwards phone lookup is a scam. But she did not write the review in the picture. She merely found it on some Hot Or Not rip-off app that aggregates your Facebook friends together so you can determine which ones you want to take to the bone zone, or something. And since the picture is of me, I feel like I have the right to post it:
I’m going to run this whole thing into the ground, because I’m starting to feel a little creeped out. I don’t like the fact that this app knows my full name. Another thing I know is that this app just pulls the person’s Facebook picture. So now I’m starting to wonder what that picture was 5 months ago, and if in fact I was wearing “#sweetthreads”. The person claims to be my #truefriend, while also stating that I’m a #onewomanman, which is completely wrong. If this person was a #truefriend, they would know that I’m a #zerowomanman. Also, with the comment #danceslikeMJ, I’m questioning whether the person has seen me dance at all. They should know about my obtuse inability to dance properly to any Michael Jackson song. However, they were spot on with #glasshalfempty. They know me well enough to call me out on being too pessimistic.

In any event, if it was you that wrote this disconcerting personality review, or might have some leads to who did, please email me at MailTeeCoZee@gmail.com. Because quite frankly, I can’t cook and this person is dead wrong!

– If you are ever in the situation where two good friends of yours are trying to hook up, just become The Double Wing Man. When things get awkward, you can fly away and let them fumble all over their drunk selves.

– People still use BitStrips? Give me a fuggin brizzeak.

– You probably didn’t realize that if you send a text message to someone, some words could get lost in translation and become autocorrected in between your phone and his. I blame ObamaCare.

– Here’s a new segment: The Trading Block. I’ll list off a bunch of things and tell you how much you would have to pay me to do them.

* Hitchhike to Boston: $1,865
* Get a Beibercut: $998
* Get a tattoo of Rob Ford busting a surfboard over his own head: $4,588
* Spend 30 days listening to nothing but Bill Clinton singing George Clinton B-Sides: $600
* Eat nothing but Clam Chowder for 2 months: $4,555
* Janet Reno: $20,120
* Give up writing altogether: $20 and a Sixer

-Try this trick over the weekend: Wear your pants backwards and gauge the human response.

Have a Super Weekend XLVIII, everybody!