This Month, I’m Voting For Hurricane Dougie [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2012 Week 9]

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “I could really go for a burrito right now”. So have one. Enjoy it. Don’t get any stray toppings on your keyboard or significant other. As for me, I don’t deserve a burrito. Not even Tina’s Pizza Burrito that you buy for 39 cents at Franks Supermarket. Although I’ve been beating myself up for not doing so, I haven’t written a Roundup in over a month. Here’s my week-by-week breakdown as to why this happened:

Week 5- Was in Michigan for a wedding. Don’t remember any football watching, but I did happen to eat some pizza that I really wanted to roundup.
Week 6- Got really depressed about life in general. It was probably over some chick or something. A roundup was written, but I decided that it was not good enough for publication. That’s what happens when I get depressed: suddenly “editing” means “deleting”.
Week 7- Was totally going to write a Roundup, but I decided to climb a mountain instead.
Week 8- A hurricane hit New York or something. I had power and internet, but no ambition to write anything.

Okay, enough excuses. Let’s get down to me being a poor excuse of a writer/human/whatever/yeah!

San Diego Chargers 31, Kansas City Chiefs 13
Everybody’s been feeling bad for Chargers fans this year. Shit, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself over it. This has been one of those “Your Team Used To Be Consistently Good, But Now They Can’t Even Score A Measly Touchdown Against The Browns” kind of seasons [See {from 2011}: Indianapolis, Minnesota, Jacksonville, Port Authority AFC]. I’ve been greeting their buffoonery with sheer cynicism. Week after week, I laugh from deep down inside when they constantly continue to disappoint. I put a paper bag over my head, but then immediately realized that it’s really hard to breathe. But something to that effect had to be done. After all, they couldn’t score 7 points against the Browns. The BROWNS.

THE BROWNS!

So whoopty-fuggin-doo. They were able to turn it around this week in a divisional matchup. That will help them in the standings, but it must also be noted that the Chiefs have not had the lead yet in regulation this year. If it really is week 9, that’s sadness of epic proportions. The have 7 starting running backs! How can that go wrong?!?!? I spent an entire season trying to convince all of you that Matt Cassel was going to get into a groove and be a B+ QB someday. How am I always wrong? Oh yeah, because I’m a Chargers fan. That’s why.

Indianapolis Colts 23, Miami Dolphins 20
The last time I wrote a roundup, most naysayers were figuring that the Colts would get 3 wins this year. 4 tops. Well, now they have 5. Suck on that, CyboManning! Andrew Luck’s rookie year has been a lot more productive than yours! The dude has targets, as Reggie Wayne still believes that George Bush is president and T.Y. Hilton makes me want to shove socks down my throat for throwing him on my fantasy bench. And Donnie Avery? Who the hell is Donnie Avery? Some guy that gets 108 yards on 5 receptions? [Yes. Yes he is.] At 5-3, the Colts are having a very modest season, albiet one that is coming to much surprise. They would still be guaranteed a wild card slot if everything ended today, which is a dream come true compared to last years brush-up with failure. They are one of the many teams that get the benefit of the doubt based on their division. Competing against the Titans and Jaguars will be no sweat at all, and I’m still waiting for the Texans to self-destruct. In 2012, it doen’t matter how good you are, it’s how bad your division is.

Green Bay Packers 31, Arizona Cardinals 17
New Orleans Saints 28, Philadelphia Eagles 13
It’s about time that things start to make sense this season. For the first few weeks, the Packers and Saints were playing possum; pretending to have the worst year of their lives and then start snatching up wins later on. I’m not sure what the point of playing this way would be, other than building up a larger fanbase by posing as the underdog. This method may work well and good for Green Bay, but the Saints might have shot themselves in the foot for lying in wait. The Falcons are still undefeated [somehow] and the Bucs are looking all sorts of dangerous [somehow]. At 3-5, they might have to win out the rest of the season to have any shot at the playoffs [which they very well may]. On the browner side of the spectrum, the Cardinals and Eagles are already burning out from their fast start. Kevin Kolb John Skelton and Ron Mexico Michael Vick have lost the last 5 and 4 games respectively. You can call it a meltdown or two teams plagued by bad luck and injuries. I’ll just call it the universe evening itself out…

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 42, Oakland Raiders 32
HOLY DOUGIE FRICKIN MARTIN!

251 yards rushing. I’m utterly speechless. Even moreso speechless after I realized that he’s on my fantasy team. In his 9th NFL game, he tied for the 10th most rushing yards in regulation. Oddly enough, it was also on the 5th anniversary of Adrian Peterson gaining the most rushing yards of all-time against the Chargers. And the oddest thing of all? 6 out of the top 10 were done against AFC West defenses in the last 12 years. So let’s gather the data and make a list:

1) The AFC West sucks
2) Running backs are having more explosive games than what was typical in the ’80s and ’90s
3) The Bucs are really lucky to have Dougie Martin
4) Dougie Martin is really unlucky to be a Buc
5) Unless he’s sporting the creamsicle jersey
6) He really should learn how to Dougie

Baltimore Ravens 25, Cleveland Browns 15
It’s Aqueduct season once again, folks! Pull out your dice, pick your horses and get into the gambling spirit! What this means for me is that I can once again go on the hunt for the ever-elusive Troy Boring. The horse trainer, of whom I was named after, was last seen poking his head around the Buffalo Raceway. It is my goal to someday bet on a horse that The Man trained himself. And when I do, I’m sure I’ll probably lose 20 bucks/some dignity/my virginity. Word around the campire [AKA the 3rd page of Google Search] is that he has been down and out for the past decade or so. He saw his heydey in Michigan back in the late ’80s, which makes sense as to why I was named after him. He was a winner back then and surely my parents wanted to raise a winner. And damnit, I AM still a winner! So if anyone has seen his face or name popping up anywhere, shoot me a line. As for Wednesday’s races…well…I’m liking Hidden Warrior [8/1] in the 2nd, Current Design [5/2] in race 4, and Sheza Heartbreaker [4/1] in the 9th. Happy betting, everyone!

Carolina Panthers 21, Washington Redskins 13
In the matchup between master novice and protégé, RGIII ended up out-performing Cam Newton on all three levels [passing yards, rushing yards and general disregard to the human body]. However, Cam’s team still ended up the victor. It goes to show that being that type of QB does not win games. Just ask Michael Vick. Actually, no, don’t ask Mike. He’ll tell you the opposite.

Houston Texans 21, Buffalo Bills 9
Here again with a whole basket full of disappointment to shave off his chest is Bill’s correspondent, D-Millions. It’s “Counting On The Bills w/ D-Millions”! D:

Let’s rewind to two weeks ago. Excitement for the World Series was building, leaves began to turn, and Hurricane Sandy wasn’t even a blip on the radar. Mid-October is always an enjoyable time of the season; cool, crisp, comfortable. And football serves as a fundamental accent in the merriment of peak autumn days. Yet another point of familiarity is suffering from a Bills loss, especially one against the Titans at home. After holding a lead for the majority of the game, Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an inexplicable 4th quarter interception that led to a game winning drive by Tennessee. As a result, the Bills entered their bye week with a losing record, tied for last place in the AFC East.

In week 9, the Bills traveled south to Houston where they faced off with The Texans, beholders of the best record in the AFC. Powered by a dangerous run game led by Arian Foster and Ben Tate (though Tate was inactive with a hamstring injury), the Texans have found success on both sides of the ball this season by playing good old-fashioned hard-nosed (albeit mostly conservative) football. Playing in Houston against the Bills, who maintain the worst rush defense (YPG against) in the NFL, this game was destined to showcase the disparity in talent between the teams.

A few notes: the Bills failed to score a touchdown, Arian Foster rushed for over 100 yards and a touchdown, C.J. Spiller led the Bills in rushing with 39 yards (the Bills ran the ball only 16 times), and Mario Williams had his best game yet in a Bills uniform, recording 7 tackles and a sack against his old team. It’s not even that the Bills played very poorly: Ryan Fitzpatrick completed almost 70 percent of his passes without an interception and the defense held the Texans’ offense to under 400 total yards (which isn’t terrible, considering the circumstances). However, in 3rd down situations the Bills converted only 2 out of 11 times and went 0 for 3 in trips to the red zone. The Texans simply outmatched us. And that’s okay; a loss to an elite team is much easier to take than one from the Titans.

This week the Bills travel to Foxboro to play the Patriots, who they have beaten once in the last decade. Luckily, the remainder of the Bills’ schedule isn’t so bad: Miami, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, St. Louis, Seattle, Miami again, then wrapping up the regular season in Buffalo against the Jets (a game I will be traveling ~400 miles to attend).

Note: At this time, I would like to disclose that it is not particularly easy to write about a team that loses predictably (although creatively- they are very original in their methods of losing) most weeks. I do not pity my team, nor do I completely dislike their losing ways. However from an audience’s standpoint, there is little element of surprise or wonder that comes with a column on the Buffalo Bills. Why read what you already know? So here is my declaration (or wager, if you will): I will give the Bills a pass against New England, but if they lose against the Dolphins (a Thursday night game at the Ralph) I will not write about the Bills in week 11. Instead, I will focus on one of two subjects: Adrian Peterson’s likeness to Keith David (particularly in the 1988 sci-fi classic They Live) or my personal likeness to Eli Manning/Matt Ryan (which is not meant to flatter- I’ve received a fair amount of ridicule for this). Right now, I’d put the teams at dead 50-50 odds to win. It’s gonna be a good one.

In closing, I wish the best to all those affected by hurricane Sandy. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your families and we wish a speedy recovery for the areas that were so ravaged by this horrible storm. We also thank all of the first responders, groups, and individuals who risked their lives and gave all of their strength in a commitment to help others. We admire our football players and sports icons, but those who respond in times of desperate need are true heroes, and their efforts are not taken for granted.

Yeah, hurricanes suck, but the Dolphins are looking mad nice this year. And you look a lot more like Ryan Leaf. Truth.

Detroit Lions 31, Jacksonville Jaguars 14
Mikel Leshoure is a touchdown machine. He doesn’t make long runs, nor does he make pretty ones, but who in the hell else is able to jam it into the endzone 3 times in one quarter?!?!? Mikel exposed the Jacksonville defensive line for the 1-7 bozos that they really are. Now that the curtain is up, we all have permission to laugh at them. I’m sick of laughing at Blaine Gabbert. I’d much rather point and stare at a bunch of talentless lardtards that play for a bad team. Because that’s my style. I insult football players from the distance of my own computer chair as my mind races to remember the last time I even threw a football. Oh yeah, I remember. It was on top of a mountain. BECAUSE I’M THAT FUCKING COOL!

Chicago Bears 51, Tennessee Titans 20
Billy: Daaad?
Dad: Yes, Billy?
Billy: The Bears just scored a touchdown off a blocked punt.
Dad: You see, son, these things happen all of the time. When a defense hates an offense very much, they–
Billy: Daaaad? Brian Urlacher just ran an interception back for a touchdown.
Dad: Ye…uh…umm…
Billy: This isn’t going to be like 2006, is it Dad?
Dad: No Billy, this is just a fluke. Science has proven that teams cannot be dominant solely on defense. An–
Billy: Dad, I don’t want it to be 2006 again.
Dad: And it never will be, you just have to tru–
Billy: Daaaaaaaaad! Jay Cutler threw a touchdown to Brandon Marshall!
Dad: Thats…ummm…because they used to be teammates in Denver an–
Billy: Noooo! They did it again!
Dad: JUST LOOK AWAY BILLY! IT’S NOT HAPPENING! IT’S NOT 2006!
Billy: DAD! HE THREW ANOTHER ONE!
Dad: [clutching Billy tightly] It’s going to be okay. WE’RE GOING TO BE FINE! WE’RE GOING TO BE FINE!
Billy: Dad, I’m scaaaaaared!
Dad: So am I, Billy. So am I.
[Dad exits screen right. SFX shotgun loading]

Denver Broncos 31, Cincinnati Bengals 23
CyboManning found himself a new friend. His name is Eric Decker. They play really nice together. This, for one, surprises me. With a name like Eric Decker, he sounds very much so like a Blade Runner of some sort. He should be trying to retire Cybo, not help him. This may be part of the master plan. Some new technique in killing strategy. Instead of being the enemy off the bat, he must become the friend first. During the slow and insidious process, Decker [if that is his real name] will continue to catch Cybo’s passes with great ease. Then, when the time is right, he will turn his back and drop a pass at the most crucial moment. It will look like an accident. The world will blame Cybo and start a coalition against robot quarterbacks, forcing him into retirement. Double Stuff Oreo’s will file a class action lawsuit against him and his cybo-bro for falsely stating that “winning robots eat Double Stuff Oreos”. Decker will have his way. Even if he is also a robot, he will never know. All he will know is “kill complete”, and move on to his next assignment…

Seattle Seahawks 30, Minnesota Vikings 20
I did a power hour last weekend. You know, that thing college kids enjoy. You do a shot of beer every minute for an hour. It’s totally pointless, as I’d rather just drink 8 beers at my own leisure, but hell, it’s an event. I only attempted to do it once in my life and I thought that I had “won”, but apparently puking is grounds for disqualification. Now that I’m 5 years dumber and a functioning alcoholic, I decided that I was due to try it again. And it was a breeze. My stomach is made of iron and goo. No sweat, vomitus or hallucinations. Halfway through the hour, I smelled cigarette smoke coming from the kitchen, and being the chainsmoker that I am, naturally I had to head over and investigate. I ended up finishing the power hour amongst 2 Vikings fans. I had never met a Vikings fan before. I wasn’t sure if they even existed. But they did. And they seemed all sorts of sad about that fact. So the three of us got to wax on about the pitfalls of rooting for the two joke teams of the NFC North/Central. It was healthy. Meeting fans of marginal teams is like visiting Middle America: there might not be a lot to talk about, but people talk anyway.

Pittsburgh Steelers 24, Port Authority Giants 20
This about sums up the game.

Yep. That’ll do it. Call it “The Un-Couthing of Lawnmower Manning”. I give it only one thumb up, as I would have really liked to see someone who is not Mike Tomlin take a stab a directing it. I suppose there could be a sequel…

Atlanta Falcons 19, Dallas Cowboys 13
The Falcons are old news. Forget about them. It would be different if they had some new star player that’s carrying the team to undefeated-dom, but it’s just not the case. In fact, they seem to be the same team that they were 4 years ago, when they had their inaugural turnaround season. Now that everybody has forgotten how awful the Post-Vick Pre-Ryan Flacons were, seeing them go 8-0 just isn’t that exciting. They really make no headlines about it, as none of their wins are that spectacular. They are an extremely dominant team on both sides of the ball and they just so-happened to win every game so far. I don’t see any new bandwagoners with wide-eyed confidence that they will be the first 19-0 team in history. That’s because we know that won’t be the case. They’ll lose a few games in December to zero regard or fanfare. Come January, they’ll get immediately run-over by Dougie Martin & Friends, as they party their way towards the Super Bowl but off a cliff instead. Truth.

Looking back, it doesn’t seem like much has changed in the last month. Sure, we’re all older, wiser, lamer and the Jets have a losing record. But nothing has shocked me about this season quite yet. This is Jeff Fischer’s cue to murder somebody and for Dougie Martin to rush 666 yards in one game. Both things are entirely possible and will totally renew my interest in the sport. Let’s see this shit happen!

-TeeCoZee