How To Make A Long Game Longer…And Still Piss America Off [TeeCoZee’s Championship Roundup]

This job keeps getting easier and easier. At first, I would have to cover and upwards to 16 games at once, and then last week it was reduced to four, and now, shit, there’s only two games?!?!? Regardless, nature has it’s way of getting revenge. Even though I only have two games to cover, I have to cover them with 9 fingers. Saturday night, I went on a terrible bender, blacked out, and gained consciousness Sunday afternoon with a nasty cut on my finger. But at least I got home! There’s also no better way to nurse a wound and a hangover like 6 full hours of championship football! Are you with me?!?!?

Who Dat??!?!?

Of course you are! For the last time this season, lets round up some fucking games!!!!


Wait, who’s playing?

Indianapolis Colts 30 New York Jets 17

Son of a fuck! With only two games this week, this means I really DO have to talk about the Colts. Well, lets do that. They played great. There, I said it. To elaborate, shit kind of fell apart in the first half, and then they came out in the 3rd and regained dominance in this world. On the other side of the ball, the Jets fucked some shit up in the first half of the game. There was an 80 yard Sanchez-Edwards TD connection that would make any Browns fan cry. The defense held Peyton & Friends down on not one, but two trips to the redzone, resulting in field goals. But of course, right before the end of the half, Pretty Boy Manning found Austin Collie not once, not twice, but three fucking times in a row for a combined total of…yep…80 yards. That was the beginning of the Jet’s downfall. Before that, they were up 17-6, but then with a 4 point lead at the half, everyone knew what was about to happen.

This is what I don’t understand about Peyton Manning. He has the ability to psyche out his opponents…ON BOTH SIDES OF THE BALL! How the shit is that even possible? It seemed as if Mark Sanchez became starstruck in the 2nd half, and knew he could never live up to the poise and accuracy of this great quarterback, so he just fucking gave up! To be absolutely fair, Sanchez ended up with impressive stats [17/30-257-2-1…pretty fucking dece], and it wasn’t as if they were going 3 and out every possession. It was just a matter of Peyton Manning and the Colts offense playing so well, that it convinced the lackluster defense to make the big plays when necessary, thus shutting the Jets down completely in the 2nd half. It’s a sad state of affairs, considering that this is exactly what happened last week, when the Jets upset the Super Chargers. Nobody actually expected the Jets to win this game against Indy, but they tried really hard to prove us wrong. I give them a lot of respect for that, because at the end of the day, it was still a rookie quarterback that led a cinderella squad [that didn’t even make it to the playoffs last year…not even with the help of Brett Favre!] to the championship. People love stories like that. The shit warms up your heart. In the end, there will be no hard feelings towards this QB that is younger than me, and starting today, he can spend a lot of time basking in the sun with beautiful women. The way life is supposed to be.

New Orleans Saints 31 Minnesota Vikings 28 [OT]

Oh man does this look wrong.

Words cannot describe how completely jacked I was to watch this game. If you watch the highlights or look at the score, you would probably feel that this was a game for the ages. However, as I sat and watched this game, I was waiting for it to get more exciting. This game dragged like none other. The time crept like hell, as we were subjected to replays, injuries, penalties, and commercial breaks after commercial breaks. And to pour salt in my finger wound, it went into overtime. And in overtime, 3 plays were challenged by the booth! For fucks sake, lets get this game over with. I felt incredibly scared when the shoddy kicker for New Orleans stepped up to the plate for a 40 yard attempt, for two reasons:

1) If he missed, the Saints would probably lose

2) If he missed, this game would continue

But, of course, he made it. Thank god.

This was a very evenly-matched game. Nobody ever had a lead over 7, everything was back and forth, but statistically, the Vikes should have won. Brett Favre threw for 310 yards, Drew Brees threw for 197. Purple Jesus rushed for 122 yards, Pierre Thomas only got 61. Bernard Berrien? 102 yards receiving. Devery Henderson? 39. You know why the Saints actually won this game? 5 TURNOVERS! How the shit does that happen in a dome?!?!? Everyone had butterfingers last night, nobody could hold onto the ball, even on both sides of it. What this meant for New Orleans was that there was a lot of dropped passes, which is bad. What this meant for Team Favre was that everyone was fumbling, which is much worse! However, there was one turnover that this team, and Brett Favre will never live down. There was 19 seconds left in regulation, and after having too many men in a huddle, it was 3rd and 15 at the 38 (which would make a 56 yard attempt for Ryan Longwell, who could use a good 5-10 yards to help buffer the game winning field goal). Favre drops back, and doesn’t see anything available right away. He could either run it into the free space in front of him, gaining an easy breezy 8-12 yards to help improve the chances of a field goal, or take a gamble on Sidney Rice. He chose the gamble, and it was picked off. Ultimately, the Saints won the OT coin toss, drove down the field like mad, got favored on some bad penalty calls, and won the game. All is well in the world, right?

Wrong. Now, people are angry. They are angry because the Vikings outplayed the Saints. They are angry for the controversial pass interference call in OT. Most of all, they are angry that for every team Brett Favre has played for, his last play for that team was picked off. And that’s a truth you can take to the bank. In his conference last night, Brett Favre was a defeated man, a pummeled man, a man with nothing else to live for. When he came out of retirement in Minnesota, just weeks before the start of the season, everyone thought that it was a story insane enough to become a Super Bowl story. Even though I didn’t want it to happen, I still felt that it was inevitable that Brett would win one more Super Bowl before he retired for good. He played the season of his life, and they made it as far as possible without actually “making it”. Now America is pissed off. They all feel cheated away from such a great success story that was supposed to be. Now, instead of seeing a Super Bowl with 2 great quarterbacks at the pinnacle of their careers, we get so see…a Super Bowl with 2 great quarterbacks at the pinnacle of their careers! Don’t you just love how things even out?

And to all the Brett Favre fans out there that feel cheated, let me invite you to imagine a different Super Bowl. On February 7, instead of watching the game, try to imagine the Super Bowl being the Vikes vs The Chargers, the game that was supposed to be. If that sounds ludicrous to you, then stop fucking bitching, man up, and be happy for 2 great teams reaching the biggest game of all!

But of course, that’s not next week is it? For some backwards reason, they decided to play the Pro Bowl the week before the Super Bowl?!?!? Then of course this means that all of the players that are participating in the Super Bowl cannot play in the pro Bowl. Substitutions have already been made. This is the only way that David Garrard can actually be regarded as a Pro Bowl caliber player. Also, for personal reasons, Philly Rivs will not be playing either, which worries me to death. Maybe I’ll cover the game, maybe I wont. Nobody really cares anyway. So I guess I hope that you all have a festive 2 weeks, at a time of year in which there is nothing to be festive about.