Avatar Increases US Suicide Rate; Cameron Held Responsible

(BFDN) — James Cameron’s new $500m theatrical space gimmick, Avatar has audiences jumping out of their seats — and, in some cases, out of windows, in front of buses, and off cliffs. In what the White House has deemed a “national crisis”, over 300 Earthlings, mostly American teenagers of the popular “emo” persuasion, have taken their own lives upon seeing Avatar in a virtual three-dimensional environment.

Longing to visit the world of Pandora, a substantial number of Avatar fans have connected in online communities to share their experiences of really pathetic depression. Not being able to differentiate between fact and fiction, the real world and James Cameron’s imagination, or their right and left shoes, these sad sacks are suffering the most pitiful depressive episodes of the 21st Century.

“What we’re witnessing in a lot of cases is kids whose parents make the equivalent of a hockey bag full of hundred dollar bills every paycheck, and these little assholes have never had a real problem in their entire goddamned lives,” mused Dr. Pork Hertylman, D.D.S., Baseball For Dinner’s resident Dental Surgeon. “I’m 58 years old. I did two tours in Viet Nam. Took seven bullets over two years, blew my left ear drum out, I got tinnitus like the dickens even now. My father died when I was two in a farming accident, my mother’s life was taken by gypsies when I was twelve years old. I raised my seven younger siblings myself, worked three jobs through middle and high school, and paid my way through dental school selling Amway. I’m not saying I’ve had it tough exactly, but kids these days drop their e-mail phone in the toilet and try to overdose on Coricidin to ease the pain. I don’t know what you’re asking me about, specifically. What’s an Avatore?”

After rigorous analysis of independent research conducted by Baseball For Dinner News, Senior Analyst Rickshaw Collins has discovered a mathematical algorithm within the statistics.
“We haven’t seen a correlation of this magnitude since the sharp rise in extra-marital affairs of the spouses of secret agents after the release of True Lies,” Collins told BFDN. “We’ve seen this phenomenon to a lesser degree with Bill Paxton receiving slightly less hate mail in 1986 following the release of Aliens. Over the last 25 years of tireless research, I’ve concluded categorically that James Cameron is to blame for any shifts in human behavior following the release of a film he’s made.”

Whether or not Rickshaw Collins’ accusatory assertion holds any water, the results are in, and they are concerning. Over 12 percent of the viewers polled chose suicide following the viewing of the film. Closer examination of the statistics, however, may reveal another side to the story.

French Bentley, syndicated columnist for Baseball For Dinner and Esquire Magazine, spoke with several media analysts, statisticians, and nerds of varying calibers to determine the large cause of self-inflicted deaths in connection with the film.

“What we’ve found is that these suicides are not caused solely by a longing to return to the world of Pandora as we initially assumed. In fact, those who are lame enough to take their own lives because they somehow think Pandora is real or groovy or whatnot are fortunately in the minority.
We’re discovering that there are actual several catalysts in this Avatar-fueled suicide epidemic, the foremost being a sickening regret for having spent nearly a hundred dollars to take the family to see a two-and-a-half hour movie that basically recaps the events of Grey Owl and the Trail of Tears in a horrifyingly tasteless vessel of family entertainment. In the past week alone, I’ve talked to over three dozen families whose sole bread winner offed himself or herself out of shame and despair. This is truly the source of the problem, and I feel that James Cameron needs to be held responsible. I’m calling for his rich ass to start college funds for the hundreds of kids who are going to end up orphans from this whole ordeal.”

At these rates, Avatar may soon become the deadliest motion picture ever made. Having already topped $1 billion dollars internationally amid an ongoing financial crisis in these United States, thousands of hard-working Americans are demanding reparations from Cameron.

“I’m just disappointed,” complained Miggle Farnicky on a webcam interview with BFDN from Bangkok, Thailand. “I only paid thirty cents for a DVD of the movie, but it didn’t come with 3D glasses and the picture quality is all fuzzy. It’s like going to Pandora but forgetting your glasses on the space ship.”

While 30 cents is a small price to pay for most, $16-20 USD is another story all together. James Cameron might wipe his ass with million dollar bills, but for the rest of us, a ticket to see Avatar is more than a full day’s pay. At least, when you’re relying solely on the income from writing articles for an online publication.

–Joey Z reporting.