Chad Ochocinco Would Buy That For a Dollar! [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup: Week Neuf]
Take a deep breath. We made it half way through the season. This calls for no celebration at all. However, after finishing half of the football season, there are still a multitude of questions on all of our minds. Most of these questions are regarding why in the fuck Chad Ochocinco would be carrying around a dollar bill on the field. We may never know the answer to this question, but I did some detective work, and came up with some likely scenarios:
a. He really wanted a mountain dew from the vending machine, but John Harbaugh bought the last one.
b. Somebody on the Baltimore squad owed him a dollar, and the person figured “no time like the present”.
c. It was going to be part of an elaborate touchdown celebration in which he runs to the 50 yard line, drops a massive dookie, and wipes his ass with the dollar bill, thus proving that he is cooler than both Jesus and GG Allin combined.
d. He was trying to save both the environment and economy in one fell swoop.
e. He was making a bet to see how long it would take to get Joe Flacco to cry. [approx. 68 minutes]
While I was typing out these scenarios, there was an interview on TV with Chad, and he claimed that a fan had given it to him to buy a coke. Or something. Sounds like bullshit to me.
f. Ray Lewis is selling dollar dimebags. Because he can.
Either way, I really hope that dollar didn’t go to waste. I could use a dollar right now. To buy toothpicks. Another interesting thing that happened to Chad was an actual real-life game of football.
Cincinnati 17 Baltimore 7
Out of all of the bandwagons that roam across the country, the Bengals bandwagon has the best sofa cushions. And I was on it early enough to get the best seat. And I am comfortable as fuck. Week after week, the Mavens prove that they never deserved any of the acclaim that they received over the decade. In my eyes, they are one of the NFL’s most hatable teams. BUT THEY WON’T GO AWAY. At least they don’t do much anymore, so they have become a minor nuisance to more likeable teams. Like the Bengals. Joe Flacco stumbled onto the field in a haze, and his drunken stupor cost him 2 interceptions and statistics that are too abysmal to even mention. Ochocinco never found an endzone, or change for a dollar, but he’s not being as big of a piece of shit as he was last year, so the price is right. Oh, and of course, Cedric Benson is THE FUCKING MAN. He plowed through 117 yards and found the phantom endzone. Good for him. And now the Bengals are 6-2, and all is strange in this universe.
The next 2 games, I don’t have shit to say about, so I’m going to breeze through these:
Arizona 41 Chicago 21
Fuck Arizona. Fuck the entire state. You would get a lot of diseases that way. And perhaps some cactus.
Dallas 20 Philadelphia 16
I have better things to do than watch division rivals clash in a primetime slot. Like sleeping. If you were to ask me if it feels good to get things out of the way early, I would say “Yes, it does. Can I please have a plate without crumbs on it?”, and you give me a soup bowl.
Tampa Bay 38 Green Bay 28
This is something that I predicted in the off-season. The Bucs, a team that’s a few scoops short of a hole in the ground, had no chance of winning their first 7 games. No chance whatsoever. So they make an announcement that starting Week 9, they will revert back to the creamsicle colored jerseys that everyone hated oh so much. And so it was written in stone: with a sudden reminder of the past, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will play for their former prestige, and thus, start winning games. Wait, something doesn’t sound right here. It didn’t occur to me until one of the announcers made the remark that the uniforms “honor the 1979 Tampa Bay Bucs”. The franchise wasn’t even worth a dollar menu burger until after they got rid of those jerseys! They were fucking miserable! And they’re still miserable! It was hilarious seeing Green Bay struggle in this one. It was like the jock letting the nerd fuck his girlfriend. While he watches. But then again, this is what happens when Aaron Rogers throws 3 picks. 3 picks? Really?!?!? And you were talking about playoffs? But guess what…
Detroit 20 Seattle 32
5 is worse than 3. After quickly scoring 17 points, all Detroit fans knew that the next 2 hours would be a slow, slow, slow burn. And that’s what happened. There is an increasing possibility that Matt Stafford could be used in the same sentence as Ryan Leaf in about 2 years. We’ve been saying it for 10 years, but the franchise is still fucked. That’s all there is to it. They had a chance to win it at the end, with a miracle drive from the place that miracles come from. But Matt Stafford aint no damn miracle worker. So, of course he throws another pick, and that leads to a touchdown within the span of oh 3 seconds, and the game is blown out of the water. The Stafford-Johnson connection is still a failure in progress. In fact, David Hawthorne caught just as many passes from Stafford as CJ did…and he plays for the Seahawks. But hell, at least they won a game, right guys? Right? Right.
Wait, who did they beat again?
Atlanta 31 Washington 17
Ah, yes, the Washington Redskins. Who can love them? Out of all the putrid franchises this season, this one you have to feel the most sorry for. The offense is about impossible to watch, and the defense is at the point where they don’t feel like carrying the team. There was one point in the game where Jason Campbell got shooken up, and Todd Collins (with the posture of a substitute teacher) had to come out to pretend that everything is going to be “decent”. The look on coach Jim Zorn’s face could break your heart. Also, around the same time, star running back Clinton Portis gets sandwiched between 2 falcons, and begins to lie face-down on the turf for a good 30 seconds until help came. He suffered a concussion and will be out indefinitely. This is a franchise that has absolutely nothing going for them, and in a city that appears to care less. I, for one, have hoped for the past 3 years that the Redskins would become one of those fancy “turnaround” teams, but the odds of that happening in my lifetime are quite grim. Oh, and PS, Michael Turner is back, and he wants revenge. I’m not sure what he wants revenge about, but he’s coming for you. And now everyone’s saying that the ’08 Burner Turner is back. Well, he wasn’t gone that long, was he? He ran for 166 and scored 12 points. That’s 13 yards per point. Give the dude a medal. Or just stop doubting him when he never should have been doubted. After all, he is a product grown in San Diego, so he will undoubtedly be a beast for a few more years. On a side note, why exactly does it seem like the Chargers keep on growing good players and then releasing them out into the wild? Wouldn’t you think they could build a better dynasty if they would just keep their good players?
Jacksonville 24 Kansas City 21
So my dad called me Sunday afternoon to ask me if Chambers was starting for Kansas City. I thought he was mistaken, or I was mistaken by some other dude named Chambers. Naively, I said “Dad, are you going senile? Chris Chambers plays for the Chargers.” Oh, how I was wrong. Apparently, San Diego decided to trade off my favorite receiver, and it averted my radar. The fuck? And of course, Chris Chambers proves that he never should have been traded by scoring 2 touchdowns with 70 yards tacked on. That’s more stats than he has been getting all season. Perhaps Phillip Rivers forgot that he existed. Chambers is a great receiver, and one that was horrendously under looked for the first half of the season. But then again, the Chiefs will be the Chiefs, and the lukewarm team known as the Jacksonville Jaguars pull off another solid win. But really, how lukewarm are they? They’ve been wishy-washy for so long that it’s hard to see them as a serious team. Their skills have been cooking in a broken microwave. But now it’s high noon, and the sun’s rays are beaming right on that microwave. And as the sun causes the metal structure to rot and rust away, a team will emerge. A team that will soon be known as the 9-7 Jacksonville Jaguars. Boom. Nobody cares.
Indianapolis 20 Houston 17
In speaking of nobody caring, the Colts faced off against the Texans yesterday. I have to say, I am growing to be quite fond of Houston. I can see a bandwagon rolling in the distance, but I think I’m all bandwagoned out at this point in the season. If they end up making a serious run for the playoffs, however, you might see me with Blue and Red facepaint on. Maybe. But I doubt it. Matt Schaub, a fantasy team’s worst nightmare, threw for over 3 bucks, and gave a buck 0 seven to Andre Johnson, who is also frustrating fantasy opponents across the board. Houston has a good team on their hands, I have to admit. But Indy still won, and they’re still undefeated. Nobody has seemed to care yet. In speaking of Indy, I was smoking a cigarette today and my neighbors sister approached me. She offered me a pear for a cigarette. It was a fair trade, because the pear was delicious and really hit the spot. I wish I had another one right now. That’d be cool. But then I would lose another cigarette.
Tennessee 34 San Francisco 27
This was a rather strange game. Somehow, the Titans scored 34 points, but I hardly ever saw them on offense. It wasn’t until the 2nd half that I even realized that Vince Young was on quarterback duty. Probably because he didn’t do much. Just like all of the previous games this season, this game was all about Chris Fucking Johnson. This man will haunt your dreams for the rest of his career, mark my words. The team is still pretty miserable, but man oh man does Chris Johnson love to light up them scoreboards. He’s the sleeper fantasy star of the season, and guess what, he’s on my fucking team! He keeps on giving me straight cash, week in and week out. And I am loving the shit out of it. It’s also nice to see the team that was supposed to be really good win actual games. I wish I could say the same about the 49ers. Alex Smith did an adequate job, but still threw 3 picks. Vernon Davis is still a force to be reckoned with, and Frank Gore will most likely get laid tonight, but there’s something about this team that isn’t producing the right spark. When they find that spark, there will be magic again on the bayside. Mark my words, sucka. The gold rush will be on again. Soon. Next season. Actually, make it 2 seasons. But that shit will happen.
New Orleans 30 Carolina 20
Is anybody actually going to beat the Saints? Whoever did that last season can still deserve pats on the back, because this team is fucking ruthless. Wait, I think they have a game coming up soon with that other undefeated team, of whom the name passes me, yeah they might beat them. But it probably won’t happen. The 2009 New Orleans Saints are a team of destiny. Even when they play terrible first halves, even the broadcasters know that the comeback from hell will soon come. And that’s been business as usual over in New Orleans. Drew Brees, another product of Charger Corp, once again hits the 300 yard mark. Pierre Thomas gets a 50 cent piece and a trip to the south endzone. All is well here. But one thing did happen that must’ve blew the minds of everyone in attendance: Jake DelHomme did not throw an interception.
Somewhere, you can hear the sounds of brains exploding. And it’s a very hollow sound.
New England 27 Miami 17
I invest way too much emotion into the Miami Dolphins. The team is just so damn exciting, and they were terrible, like you know, 2 years ago, and everyone thinks they’re on the up-and-up. Problem is, they really aren’t. The Dolphins have fooled us all! They run that wildcat offense for the sake of misdirection, and in many cases, it works. There were some points in the game that the Patriot’s defense appeared to be completely flustered. There was a drive that took up over 10 minutes! Miami is infamous for giving really good teams a run for their money, but still failing. It happened with New Orleans, what’s-their-faces, and this week it was New England. They should make a career out of weakening really good teams but still falling short. Wait, they already are! No matter how good the Dolphins appear to be, their 3-5 record speaks a lot for itself. But to be fair, they have had a rough schedule. And they are a really really really good squad. Once they get comfortable with laying the clustermindfuck on their opponents, and the defense stops talking shit and starts making plays, the Dolphins will be a team to beat. On a side note, I am starting to get a tad bit sick of the Patriots again. And free tacos still = good.
San Diego Super Chargers 21 New York Football Giants 20
I will have wet dreams about the ending to this game for years to come [that’s right, come]. It was a scenario that Chargers fans are all-too-used to. they’re down by 6, inside two minutes. They make it around midfield, and all of a sudden, you get the feeling in the pit of your stomach that Phillip Rivers will scramble to the side and throw the ball away for the ensuing 4 downs. However, this didn’t happen yesterday. So let’s rejoice! Hooray! There ARE stellar teams out there worse off than San Diego. The Giants! New York is now on a month-long losing streak, and everyone is ready to start hanging some heads. I guess winning the Super Bowl 2 years ago doesn’t hold a candle to shit in this hustle and bustle world. Well, at least the Jets didn’t lose this week. But then again, they didn’t win either, so New York football fans cry a little inside. It’s all good. The Chargers still didn’t deserve to win the game, as I continue my feelings of tough love towards the team. Phillip Rivers is losing weapons left and right, LT is getting old and Darren Sproles is not the replacement they are looking for. This generation of the Chargers franchise is almost over, and within the next 5 years, a dark cloud will hover, and the team will ultimately move to Los Angeles where they are easier to ignore. It’s a damn shame that this squad has yet to win a Super Bowl. If the Broncos lose out for the rest of the season, they might have a chance of making the playoffs, so then they can make another small run and choke against a proper team. Some days, I like to daydream about what life would be like if Eli Manning would’ve stuck with San Diego. They would probably suck more. But it’s an easier thought to handle considering that they could’ve grabbed Peyton Manning instead of Ryan Leaf, if only they had lost one more game in the ’97 season. Then, my friends, shit would be much, much different…
There’s also a game going on tonight against the Steelers and the Broncos. I will be watching it from a distance, while I drink myself in a stupor so that I can pretend to like one of these teams. As painful as it is, I have to root for Pittsburgh, so that the Broncos can start their downfall into early winter oblivion.
All images were borrowed from NFL.com and Deadspin.com