SPIDERMAN!: FRIEND OR FOE TO BROADWAY

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Greetings Loyal Baseball-For-Dinnerites, Filmore Firebush here. I have successfully established my cover in the seedy underbelly of biggest of apples, N.Y.C, and will be bringing you news updates whenever my translator can smuggled a mini-cassette tape to my contacts in the New Jersey Freedom Brigade. THIS WEEKS STORY: SPIDER-MAN: FRIEND OR FOE TO BROADWAY.

Everyone’s a-buzz on broadway over Uncle Sam’s favorite wall-crawler web-slinging his way into our hearts and onto the Broadway stage on February 2010. For a mere $275 a pop, you can take place in what is sure to be one of the most memorable abortions of a pop icon in recent history. Behind all of the pomp and circumstance, however, it is easy to forget who is really stuck with the proverbial VISA/MASTERCARD bill in all of this: Spidey’s Villains.

Imagine waking up one day, kissing the wife and kids goodbye, slipping into a giant rhino costume, and clocking in 14 hour days of hard henchmen work for the Kingpin week after week, month after month, only to be taken down by a quip slinging, costumed hero and spending the next few years in lock-up. Then, after you’ve finally paid your debt to society, strolling down Times Square and seeing that same spider-jerk plastered all over every bus, street corner, and patchwork newspaper bum blanket. Over the past few weeks, I tirelessly tracked down several of Spidey’s most infamous heavies. These are their stories:

RHINO

Mr. Rhino with patented RHINO SMASH stress ball

FILMORE –  Mr. Rhino, A.K.A. Aleksei Sytsevich for our readers at home, was a poor Russian immigrant that volunteered to be bombarded with gamma rays to provide for his family.  Now, Mr. Rhino is permanently bonded to a polymer suit that gives him super strength and a distinctly Rhino-likeappearance. You’ve faced Spider-Man several times since the 60’s, Mr. Rhino, what is your impression of America’s so-called favorite Wall-Crawler?

RHINO – Hmmmmm… RHINO SMASH!

FILMORE – Interesting. You once pursued your own line of fragrances, entitled RHINO SMASH EU TOLIET, but sales were poor. Do you blame Spider-Man for destroying your public image?

RHINO – GRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

FILMORE – Fascinating. The Lizard said the same thing. One more question Mr. Rhino, if you could be any animal, what would it be?

RHINO – A dolphin. I’ve always admired their grace in the water.

HUMAN FLY

FILMORE – Mr. Human Fly, you’ve often been described by Spidey Die-hards as one of the lamest villians he ever faced. Comment?

HUMAN FLY – They were thinking about making an action figure of me in the late 70’s, but apparently my wings were a choking hazard. Now Spider-Man won’t even bother to foil my dastardly plans anymore, always the same old excuse “Sorry Human Fly, ripped my costume battling Venom, must preserve secret identity, etc, but here are some macaroons Aunt May made this morning.” Here’s a newsflash Spider-Jerk, I’m allergic to Coconuts, your underhanded attempt to defeat me with cookies will never succeed for I am the HUMAN FLY BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

FILMORE – Mr. Human Fly, is it true that you are currently homeless?

HUMAN FLY – Preposterous, I am currently living the opulent lifestyle that only a master of crime can afford. This park bench is only the secret entrance to my underground lair. Which reminds me… um… my car ran out of gas a couple blocks back and um… all I need is some spare change cause my aunt needs a ride to Jersey ya know.

FILMORE – Is that a crack pipe Mr. Fly?

HUMAN FLY – No! This is my mandible of pain I… just… need some… you know anyone who’s got some rocks though? Not for me of course, my aunt really needs crack for her… lupus… and… hey, where you going buddy? I’m the HUMAN FLY! I KNOW WHERE YOUR SLEEP MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!! HEY!

KINGPIN

FILMORE – Michael Clarke Duncan? But… I had an interview scheduled with a Mr. Kingpin at this address.

KINGPIN – Ain’t you seen DAREDEVIL fool? I AM Kingpin.

FILMORE – But then… that means that Ben Affleck is…

KINGPIN – A faggot, correct.

FILMORE – Um… anywho… Mr. Kingpin, what do you think about Spider Man the Musical? Is it an injustice for all of those villains lesser or otherwise whose lives that Spiderman has destroyed?

KINGPIN – Naw.

FILMORE – … Naw?

KINGPIN – I funded that shit.

FILMORE – You funded the musical of your archnemisis? Why?

KINGPIN – You see the latest Street Fighter?

FILMORE – They made another Street Fighter?

KINGPIN – I’m an oscar nominated actor mother fucker, I need some cash flow and this was the best way to do it. Besides, Bono and the Edge are doing the music and me and them go way back.

FILMORE – You’re old chums with Bono and the Edge?

KINGPIN – Yeah, we had a real sweet  Cambodian tranvestite smuggling operation back in the 90’s

FILMORE – (laughs) Oh Michael Clarke Duncan, you are a real character!

KINGPIN – (pulls out shotgun and strokes barrel)I’m ending this meeting early. Got some tax forms to fill out, you understand.

There you have it folks. Will SPIDERMAN THE MUSICAL take over broadway like such hits as CARRIE and CHESS? Only time will tell. But, for those poor villains whose lives have been torn apart by Spidey, their final curtain may already be drawn. Now I must venture to the post office to change my address before the Human Fly tracks me down.

NEXT WEEK: CONEY ISLAND TO THE FUTURE