Top 5 Football For Supper Subjects That I Don’t Have The Time To Write!!!

5) Why Can’t Athletes Keep Their Noses Clean?

It’s becoming increasingly obvious that athletes are not normal people. They are role models, they are billionaires, they get their own gum and cereal boxes, and even their own video games, clothing lines, and laundry detergent. Oh, and they also kill dogs, shoot themselves, rape, pillage, smoke weed, piss on people and spend 50 grand at the club. Wait, that does sound kind of normal. And why is this? Why exactly do people that dedicate their lives to be in the public and be looked up to and get paid assloads of money to do so always seem to get caught doing something normal? Because they’re normal! And on top of that, they’re also probably dumber than us! This means that they get caught more! It makes sense, right? Who tries to hide weed in a water bottle anyways? Sounds like something I did…in the 8th grade…

4) This Is An Open Mic, Not a Bed and Breakfast!

I’m not a musician. Whenever I quit smoking, I try to pick my Sax back up, but it usually ends in me being frustrated that I can’t play the Sax or smoke a cig or get laid. However, I am a fan of open mics, because I am self-destructive and surround myself with people that are more talented than me. I’ve started to notice lately that open mics are a lot more closed than one would think. Although I am a fan of being depressed and acoustic guitar, trying to withstand it for 2 hours makes my nipples bleed. Of course, at the end of the night the more lively acts come up, but is there any way this could be spaced out more. I just spent 2 hours crying about lost love, and now you’re expecting me to dance? This gives cramps both mentally and physically, and it needs to stop.

3) Cold Pizza Is Better Than Your Face

What does everyone love? Pizza. What is it when it’s been in the fridge for more than 10 minutes? Pizza. What does it become when you pop it in the microwave? Radiated Pizza. But what is it when it’s in the fridge? Pizza. So why warm it up? Cold pizza has the same taste as regular pizza, but without the burning sensation, the cheese that falls off, the sauce that drips, and the bozos hovering around you because they want that nice hot pizza. I love cold pizza so goddamn much that I will cook a pizza and then put it in the fridge and eat something else. If only other cold things were this good, I would never need a microwave. But instead, I guess I have to warm up this seafood bisque…

2) Throwback Jerseys Make My Penis Hard

I have to point this out right now: I fucking hate the Titans. To me, they’re a bunch of talentless pricks that play in an easy division and pretend to have talent or balls. However, I was always the biggest fan of the Oilers. So wait, the Titans sport Oilers jerseys as their throwbacks? Does this mean that I like the Titans now? Yes. The same goes for the Bucs. I hate the Bucs, but I love those lame Florida Orange jerseys from the time period when they were a complete waste of a joke. So I guess in November, I’m going to have to root for the throwback-laden underdog Buccaneers? Makes sense to me…

1) No Internet and No TV Makes Troy Smoke Cigarettes

It’s the only joy I get out of life anymore. If I can’t check my bank account, watch TV shows, look up random trivia, keep my finger on the pulse of the communities that I care about, or download more NFL games, then I guess the only thing there is to do in life is chainsmoke. It’s refreshing, it brings guilt (healthy guilt), it makes me smell and people don’t want to be around me. This means I keep the same appeal I had a week ago when I would do nothing but watch TV and surf the webs!

You see, kids? Everything in the universe evens out. But till Monday, have fun on the information superhighway. I’m going to go play nintendo. I don’t need to pay Comcast to do that…for now…