Binder & Binder defend BINDER in Binder-related Binder failure
National Social Security Disabilities Advocates Binder & Binder have stepped up to the plate today in what some analysts are calling the most daring case ever undertaken by the Binder Bros. Defending BINDER Worldwide, the leading name for perfect simulation of biological, chemical and physical environmental conditions, Binder & Binder are basing their defense on a binder agreement between BINDER Worldwide and International Harvester, makers of Binder commercial trucks.
“According to BINDER Worldwide and IHC Binder’s contract binder, the binders on IHC’s Binders are bound by a manufacturer’s warranty,” Binder & Binder stated in today’s press release. “Binder & Binder are seeking damages for our client BINDER Worldwide for irreparable damage caused by Binder’s faulty binders.”
The Binder in question, a commercial truck sold to BINDER for transportation purposes, allegedly lost control when its brakes, or “binders” as they are called by the trucking community, failed to stop the Binder from crashing into a Nebraska cornfield while transporting BINDER CB 53 incubators on Highway I-80. The defense claims that IHC manufactured faulty binders for the Binder in question, an error that went unnoticed before being sold to BINDER Worldwide. Binder & Binder, who normally only take Social Security and Disability cases, developed a special interest in this case and have put their normal schedule on hold. The reason behind this brash decision is unknown.
With the trial already one day underway, Binder & Binder have called Wes Fogelstiltsken, BINDER’s driver of the Binder in question, to the stand to testify:
“I was a drivin’ my Binder, well not my Binder really but BINDER’s Binder ’bout sixty down I-80 when I seen a Bovine in the middle of the highway. So’s I hafta jump on my binders to not hit the bovine, ya know, and the binders they just start a screechin like my damn ex-wife comin off a bender. ‘For I know it, my binders is smokin and I lost control of the Binder, crashed it straight into the corn field on my right. Ran it right into a reaper-binder, busted all my shit up. Jack knifed the damn Binder, ran over the reaper-binder and busted bout a hundred BINDER CB 53s in the back. Needless to say, them binders was the cause of the Binder crashin. I’ve been drivin’ Binders for BINDER for goin on twelve years and them is the worst binders I ever seen. When a Binder’s binders get me in a bind, that’s BINDER that’s losin money and me that’s bound to get all pissed and what have yeh.”
For the defense, Attorney Merv Winkelfritz declined to cross-examine Fogelstiltsken but called computer programmer Bawdy Dooburkle to provide expert testimony:
“I’ve been with the Microsoft Corporation for over a decade. I oversaw the now discontinued Microsoft Binder application, and have extensive experience in name binding for various programming languages. While MS Binder is not longer providing updates, it is the official
opinion of the Microsoft Corporation that the application is still applicable. I have been IHC Binder Division’s Microsoft contact for their MS Binder software for a number of years now. Knowing MS Binder as intimately as I do, I know that it has provided excellent file integration for IHC’s Binder Divison. Upon cross-checking the MS Binder files, I see that all quality checks were performed on Binder’s binders and CC’ed to BINDER. It is my opinion that Mister Fogelstiltsken rode the Binder’s binders too harshly for the Binder’s load, forcing the Binder’s binders to lock up.”
Binder & Binder have claimed that Dooburkle’s testimony was coached by the defense, and are maintaining that Binder, not BINDER, is at fault.
Still yet to be called from Binder & Binder’s witness list is a young man named Gretchen Urswelpiffendock, the son of the Nebraska farm owner and only witness to the Binder / reaper-binder collision. Urswelpiffendock is currently representing his father’s farm at the Binder Twine Festival in Kleinburg, Ontario, and will be unavailable to appear in court until later next week. Binder & Binder are holding out for Urswelpiffendock’s testimony for obvious reasons, as well as something less obvious: Urswelpiffendock is an avid Dungeons & Dragons player. A media analyst from the G4 network told the press:
“Mister Urswelpiffendock has been playing Dungeons & Dragons on the professional circuit for over a decade, and has established himself as one of the best Binders in the game. Binders derive their power by making pacts with “vestiges,” souls of legendary beings who have been “evicted” from the universe. Binders then fuse with the vestige, which affects their appearance but grants them powers that can usually be used an unlimited number of times per day. This pact-making is despised by most clerics, because the gods were the ones who exiled most of the vestiges in the first place. Binder is the favored class of karsites, so naturally this has a tremendous possibility to be devastating to the defense and is clearly why Binder & Binder are calling a Binder to the stand in the BINDER v. Binder case.”
While the Binder & Binder’s BINDER v. Binder trial has just begun, judgment looks good in favor of the plaintiff. IHC Binder’s Chief Executive Officer, Herbnab Binderson, seems unaffected by the case thus far and has been seen sleeping during the trial and doodling in his 3-ring binder. While only time will tell the result of the BINDER v. Binder case, sources are predicting that Binder & Binder have it in the bag.
Joey Z reporting.