Hate Mail

Re: Down The Rabbithole… The Dark Side of Oz(zfest)

Brenda, from Gary Indiana, writes:

Clay Aiken is 6’2″ and 180 pounds, which is hardly “measly”
This “nobody” was a Special Education teacher and is the founder of the  National Inclusion Project (since 2003) which, among many other programs, funds dozens of camps each year to give children with special needs the opportunity to participate in recreational and classroom activities, alongside their typical peers, that were previously denied them.
He is the UNICEF Ambassador of Education and has had missions to Indonesia, Malaysia, Uganda, Mexico, Afghanistan, Kenya, and Somalia since 2004.
His talent and lush voice has earned him sales of over 7 million CDs, 9 solo headlining national tours and a handful of music industry awards.
He also wrote a New York Times best seller and has starred in 2 TV Specials, one of which he produced.
Why not write about a topic you know something about next time?

Dear Brenda,

Thank you for contacting Baseball For Dinner’s CrimeStoppers Division with this pertinent information regarding Clay Aiken and his Satanic connections. Contributions like yours and others truly make the difference in a case of this magnitude.

Baseball For Dinner’s staff futurists have been toiling around the clock trying to provide the public with more information. Pork Hertylman, a senior columnist with Baseball For Dinner and Motor Trend, considered the details of your tip. Readers at home may be disheartened to learn what combined research efforts have ascertained.

Confirming BFD’s suspicions of a Satanic connection, it appears that Aiken is attempting to win support with false peace (under the guise of UNICEF) and supernatural signs (rising to power without winning American Idol). These signs, in addition to his subliminal connection with alternative metal and the War in Iraq, suggest that Clay Aiken may be the Antichrist.

It was prophesied by The Mystic JK Rowling that a “dark mark” would be the brand of his followers, and said grisly symbol would be required to legally partake in the economic system of the End Times. While these “dark marks” are not yet surfacing in great numbers, international market trends suggest that the world economy is in a phase of major transition. In Wall Street parlance, this indicates that the Apocalypse is imminent.

Further discoveries were made by BFD affiliate Rickshaw Collins regarding hidden messages in Clay Aiken’s name: the letters, when rearranged, spell “Canal Key I”, the supposed true name of the device used to access the Lake of Fire from Earth. Collins predicts that Satan may have programmed a human vessel to function in this regard; in this case, Clay Aiken. Known for his fondness of wordplay and lingual trickery, Diabolus has proven predictable in his methods. When reversed, Clay Aiken’s initials are AC (Anti Christ).

Just as promised, Baseball For Dinner is committed to keeping you informed on this issue as it develops.

Sincerely,
Baseball For Dinner

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