Author Archive

Questions To Ask Yourself While Playing Contra


– If painkillers were never invented, would the whole world huff paint? – Will the future of sports entail running around hunting each other in bulletproof jumpsuits? – Will it be the new… Continue reading

El Cozo’s Top 5 Misconceptions Made Up By Advertisers


In a new groundbreaking category on Baseball For Dinner, I will be making “Top 5” lists. Categories will be chosen at random from “Top 5 Fast Food Slogans” to “Top 5 Movies In… Continue reading

Local Man Successfully Gets Laid After Eating Fifth-Third Burger


Comstock Park, MI Consuming 5,000 calories in one sitting is an extremely daunting task. Appearing to be physically attractive afterward is a whole other ball game. Thursday night, the baseball game between the… Continue reading

After 23 Years, Captain Midnight Strikes Again; Brings Fear Into Satellite TV Viewers


Ocala, FL–

The television world was shook like a baby today as the infamous satellite pirate, Captain Midnight, wreaked terror on an MTV broadcast. Known previously as being an activist for lower premium channel prices, Captain Midnight’s new message is one of principle.

If Baseball Is For Dinner, Then Football Better Be For Supper. (And I’ll take the supper)


In the industry, this is what we call a rant. It could be a rave, but ecstasy isn’t my bag. Go figure. The standard procedure is that from now on, I’m going to… Continue reading

Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers Spotted At Kirk Park


It was a normal day at the beach in Grand Haven, MI. Kids tried to make sandwiches out of sand, pseudo-punks tried to dig their own pods to fill with water, and tattooed… Continue reading