I’d Rather Chop Carefully With A Dull Knife [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Homer, that’s not God. That’s just a turkey behind the bed. It’s Friday, April 8th, Twenty Twenty One Plus One. The weather in Howard Beach is 56° & Pantone 2707C and somewhere, somebody is blasting the radio. Yeah. That’s the good stuff. Window down, arm out, breeze blowing, air freshener rocking, stereo loud. Life couldn’t get any better than this. But what if that isn’t a good thing? Do they really want the best moment of their life is for them to be driving on a sunny day? Does that mean that they’re NOT getting married tomorrow? Or ever? Is it seriously downhill from there? Little do they know is that yes, life does get better than this. The current stasis sucks. And me? I tend to turn my GPS off when I’m blasting the radio. It really takes away the coolness. I also have a thing on my mind.

– I was watching a commercial for a knife, because for some reason, that’s still something that’s advertised. It’s 2022. I think we’re just going to buy the knife we like and not be fooled by the Time Life charlatans. Is it sharp? Do chefs use it? No? Alright, sold. I just need a knife. Anyways, this advertised knife was really sharp and chefs use it. You see, it’s just like any other knife, but this one has a bunch of holes in it. I feel like that takes away the appeal of a knife. If I were to buy it, I’d feel like they cheated me out of extra metal. But according to the ad, the holes are a good thing. In fact, the holes are a feature.

The holes…are speed holes!

Just what we needed. A knife that goes fast. We’re already distracted enough with our digital lives. When I’m cooking, I’m got the recipe in front of me, I’m checking the scores on my phone and I’m probably watching something on TV. There’s a whole lot of shit going on in my kitchen! Using a sharp knife with speed holes is the absolute last thing I should be doing!

And the demonstration is just hypnotizing. They’re cutting everything fast: onions, lettuce, cabbage, pineapples, salami. Why the fuck would you need to cut salami quickly?!? If I had a whole log of salami to cut, chances are, I don’t need to be anywhere anytime soon. Nobody is cutting a log of salami in a hurry. It’s the most relaxed of all deli meats. But these hand models are hacking away at quadruple speed.

Which brings up another issue: how the fuck did they find a willing participant to do this demonstration? Hand models rely on the beauty of their hands to live. One miscue with that speed hole knife and they’re in the welfare line. Is there a subsector of hand models that only do stunts? Like their hands are TV ready but also durable as fuck? There’s so many questions that’ll never get answered.

But one thing I know for sure: I bought a knife at IKEA. It wasn’t expensive but it wasn’t cheap. It cuts things and I’m able to do it at a pace that I’m comfortable with. Everyone should have this in their lives and not feel pressured to cut salami quickly.

– Try this trick over the weekend: cut an onion at your own pace. Trust me, you would’ve wasted those extra 30 seconds.

Have a safe weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee