319 Words About Brussels Sprouts

I remember when I was young. A lot of people don’t have this ability, but I digress. When I was really young, the common enemy that Big Media was casting us kids against was broccoli. Eww. Broccoli was totally gross and if you ate it, you were bogus and had stuff in your teeth. But then, by the mid-90s, Kraft got crafty. They advertised Cheese Whiz as a substance that suddenly made broccoli tolerable. Seemingly overnight, broccoli was mad cool. All the rich kids were eating it fresh and us scrubs would have Mom microwave a bag of frozen goodness to mix with some Whiz. Once broccoli became hip, my mom even started making a broccoli, whiz and rice dish that to this day is the most perfect food I’ve ever had.

But Big Media needed to pit us against a new challenger. And that challenger was Brussels Sprouts. The ultimate yucky vegetable. Not only was it green, a color that hadn’t been popular since the Green Ranger turned face, but it also smelled bad. It was definitely made in a lab to be the most detestable substance in existence. I was moreso bothered about the spelling. Was it Brussel Sprouts or Brussels Sprouts? Or is there an apostrophe? It was all too confusing, so I never bothered eating it.

After going to college and becoming a vegetarian, I started telling people that I liked Brussels Sprouts. It was a lie as innocent as a Canadian girlfriend, because I never expected to be caught. Then once, to my horror, it was actually on the menu while I was among people that had heard my bluff. So it was ordered, I dove in and…what the hell? Brussels Sprouts are fucking delicious! Why did Big Media have to lie to us again?!? Since then, I’ve been eating them on the reg. In fact, I’m gonna go make some right now. Holla.

– TeeCoZee