Because I Guess I’m A Morning Person Now? [Top 5 Top 5 Sunday]

I think I’m a morning person. I don’t get it, but it’s happened. Now that I’m the complete antithesis of what I once was and represented, I guess I should start writing early, too. Lookit me, I’m getting my daily writing done before The Price Is Right even comes on! But then again, The Price Is Right doesn’t air on Sundays. Whatever. Shut up. Here’s some lists.

5) Top 5 Low-Calorie Sodas

5) Diet Pepsi

4) Fresca

3) Diet Mountain Dew

2) Coke Zero

1) Diet Coke

I feel like I’ve made this list before. But maybe the rankings changed. I decided to start drinking Diet Mountain Dew to lower my daily sugar intake, but it’s just not as good as I remembered. It just doesn’t have that crispness that I crave. Drinking it just feels like a chore. Also, I think I might be allergic to the artificial sweetener, as a lump keeps forming on the roof of my mouth after drinking one. I had a regular Dew this morning just to make sure I wasn’t losing my taste buds and that wonderful feeling came back. God damnit. I was really hoping to switch to Diet Mountain Dew. I should probably just stop being a wuss and switch back to regular ass coffee.

Also, once again and always, fuck Diet Dr Pepper. It tastes nothing like Regular Dr Pepper.

4) Top 5 Things That I Wanted To Flip Off At The Baseball Hall Of Fame Museum

5) The baby shark

4) The first base bag from Armando Galarraga’s “imperfect game”

3) Howie Kendrick’s bat

2) The home run ball from Rich Hill’s 10 inning failed no-hitter

1) The Philly Phanatic

I actually did get to flip off the Phanatic. It felt good. Never got to have alone time with the dude, so I can cross that off my bird-flipping bucket list. But yeah, of all the artifacts in the museum, I was really offended by the stuff from “things that were almost a thing”. Like that’s a real punch in the face to commemorate a perfect game that was ruined by an ump or a no-hitter that was foiled by the fact that the pitchers team couldn’t score against the fucking Pirates. On top of that, there was no artifacts from the 2020 Dodgers championship run, but they had the Rich Hill ball. But that’s a whole can of worms that I’ll open at a later time.

3) Top 5 Annoyances About “My New Life”

5) Things happening on the West Coast no longer matter to me

4) Never having a weekend day off

3) I still have to live my old life two days a week

2) Pepperidge Farm bread does not fit into a ziplock properly

1) The Van Wyck Expressway

I’ve already complained enough about the Van Wyck and I plan on doing it until the end of time. So let’s talk about Pepperidge Farm bread. To my knowledge, it is now the bread of choice for most of America and maybe beyond (I don’t know shit about international bread. And I’m the son of a bread man). Even if people aren’t buying Pepperidge Farm, they’re buying a loaf of comparable size. If this is the case, then why the fuck won’t Ziplock change the size of their sandwich bags to house it?!? Is it really too much to ask of them to make it a few centimeters bigger? I look like a moron trying to get my sandwich in the bag. I end up having to go in sideways and then mushing the sides until the sonofabitch zips up. It’s a whole ordeal, the crinkling wakes Rachel up and then I have Turkey slime all over my hands. Bread is bigger now. Ziplock needs to catch the fuck up!

2) Top 5 Things That I Enjoy About “My New Life”

5) Getting out of work with the sun up is pretty legit

4) I barely have to ride the train anymore

3) I feel like I get to spend more quality time with both Rachel and myself

2) There is an insurmountable reduction of stress

1) You can really get a lot of shit done when you wake up early

I feel like I discovered some ridiculous life hack, but apparently most adults do it. You are able to get so much done in the morning. Things are open, your body is fresh and the clock moves slow. On Thursday, I had to be at the store by 2. But I woke up at 8:30. In that matter of time, I was able to: take the car to the shop/get it fixed/pick it up, clean the oven that kept catching fire, unclog the drain in the bathroom, clean the sink, clean the stove and countertops, take out the recycling, clean the litter box, eat a giant sandwich, play Gran Turismo for a half hour, get all the grime off the broiler pan, kiss my wife a couple times and in the process, I walked over 2 miles. I straight up don’t understand how that was possible. A few months ago, if I had to be to work at 2, I was probably only getting a couple of those things done. Before my day even started, I accomplished more than I do in a typical day. Adulting and soda rules!

1) Top 5 New Pictures In My Camera Roll

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See? I told you I flipped off the Phanatic. I’m sure you believed me, but still. I really showed you. I also showed him. Even though there was nobody in the costume. I hope.

Prove somebody wrong this week, everyone!

– TeeCoZee

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