I’d Rather Rename It A “Something Already Happened Indicator” [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. We’re talking about the M-A-L-L on M-A-R-S! Mallomars?!? That’s going in the act. It’s Friday, March 25th, 2zerotwenty2. The weather in Ozone Park is 56° & Pantone 16-0110 and somewhere, somebody is drinking some water. Damn. That feels good. They can feel their body come back to life. They can feel the sunshine, the wind and the trees. They can see their future, their past and current and other dimensions that haven’t even been thought up yet. They can do anything, be anyone, drive anywhere, if only they could have a Pepsi to go with their water. Little do they know, what they’re feeling is not how hydration is supposed to feel. And me? I never leave my bevs unattended. You never know when it’s going to be laced with psychedelics. I also have some things on my mind…

– I ate lunch in the car today because I only want passing pedestrians seeing me eat. My whole break time was accompanied by a nearby honking horn. While it made me feel right at home, it made me realize something. Car alarms are fucking pointless. Like really, they just are. Unless you’re already near your car, there’s no way you’re going to hear it if it goes off. On top of that, are you really going to be able to distinguish it from someone else’s alarm? When you hear a car alarm, do you immediately go to your car to see if there’s a burglar in there? No. You don’t. Because we’ve all been conditioned to just ignore them. With that in mind, they don’t even deter theft. If a cop hears a car alarm, he’s just going to be annoyed. Also, if your alarm goes off and it is somehow legit, that means that it’s too late. The burglar is already inside your car and if you’re not standing right there, there’s no way you will catch them stealing your radio and porno mags. The way I see it, a car alarm isn’t a warning. It’s a message that something already happened. So it really does nothing except drain your car battery. That’s just not useful.

– Upon exiting my vehicle, my point was further proven. While the car alarm was still going off, there was a security guard just 50 feet away. Leaning on a pole. Just chilling. Being a security guard. I feel like if I were in his position, I’d try to find the owner of the car just so I wouldn’t be annoyed any further. But then I realized that he had AirPods in. Touché.

– It’s amazing how much better your mood can be just knowing that your oven isn’t at risk of catching fire. It’s a real morality booster. I highly recommended it.

– For the second Friday in a row, I have to resort to window decal talk: the most pointless way to own a stranger. What can I say? I’ve been looking at a lot of bumpers lately. Instead of seeing stupid people face-to-face, I now have to look at their bumpers while stuck in traffic. As soon as the Van Wyck ceases to be the 7th layer of hell, I’ll stop talking about stupid stickers. Deal? Whatever. A few days ago, I saw a sticker that puzzled me. It said:

“Do you follow Jesus this closely?”

This feels passive-aggressive, but I don’t know what angle they’re going for. Are they accusing me of not following Jesus closely or are they mad that my car is too close to theirs? It’s just an awkward question. Much like, “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”. No. I kiss my mother very self only, but when I do, I wouldn’t say I do it with my mouth. It’s just the tip of a lip. Using your whole mouth to kiss your mom is insane. Nobody should do that. And it’s impossible to follow Jesus as close as I would a car in traffic. You can’t follow things that aren’t physically present. You can follow ideas and directions, but that kind of following doesn’t pertain to the following that I was doing to that car. It’s a completely different kind of follow. I can’t physically follow something I can’t see.

So no, I don’t follow Jesus this closely. And don’t flatter yourself. I’m not trying to be close to you. I’m just being a polite and alert traffic driver. Also, the font is quite large. I could read it from far away. Everything about your sticker fails.

– Try this trick over the weekend: follow some instructions. Like literally take a page of instructions, tape them to your friends back and then walk behind them.

Have a literal weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee