409 Words About The Big New Yorker Pizza

Just because you remember something, it doesn’t mean that the thing was good. We inherently poke and prod at our nostalgia receptors whenever a discontinued item is brought up. It reminds us of simpler times, some hot girl you were crushing on or you’re just plain proud of yourself for remembering something. Either way, you’re most likely going to have a favorable opinion of that product. 3D Doritos we’re discontinued for a reason. I try my best to not get swept up in nostalgia, but when I look back at The Big New Yorker Pizza at Pizza Hut, I don’t even need to. That thing was just plain awful.

I remember seeing that commercial vividly. At the time, I only knew Spike Lee as the really obnoxious Knicks fan that wore big dorky glasses and honestly, I wasn’t far from the truth. If he was gonna shill for a pizza, it must be a good pizza. After all, Pizza Hut fucking ruled. I had dreams about the Stuffed Crust Pizza weekly and the personal pan pizza taught me how to read. And now Pizza Hut was making a big ass pizza?!? COUNT ME IN!

It was March 20, 1999. I remember, because it was a Saturday. My family took me to Kokomos and Pizza Hut. I had a brand new Yomega waiting at home and Korn’s “Follow The Leader” CD in my Aiwa. Life was fucking good and would soon be better when I had this giant pizza all up in my business.

We got a table, which I know annoyed my Dad. We usually ate at the booth, but because I had to bring a friend along, we were doomed to be at a table. When the pizza finally came, it looked…underwhelming. For starters, it wasn’t that big. The slices were big, but the pie itself wasn’t. The cheese didn’t taste special at all. It was just regular Pizza Hut Cheese, which is probably not from New York. The sauce was kind of spicy and acidic. My 11 year old ass learned the true meaning of heartburn. And worst of all, grease dripped from every crevice. The second grease dripped down onto my new shirt, I knew I should’ve ordered the stuffed crust.

At the very least, The Big New Yorker primed me for the miserable experience that is eating New York pizza. But the irony of it all is that there’s no Pizza Huts in New York.

– TeeCoZee