I’d Rather Not Put A Decal On My Porsche [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. I made some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It’s just a little slimy, it’s still good. It’s Friday, March 18th, Twenty-Two Two. The weather in Ozone Park is 56° & Pantone 15-4008 and somewhere, somebody is back in town. You damn right. Just rolling on in. Big guy, back in town. Look out. He’s back. Hrmm. “But where is everybody?”, he wonders. Why is nobody home? Why won’t people answer the phone? Where is all the people on the street? Where’s the pomp, circumstance and the tinker tape parade? What is tinker tape even made of? Little does he know, it’s spelled, “ticker”. And me? I usually let people know when I’m back in town. It’s hard to surprise people these days. I also have some things on my mind.
– I actually looked up what ticker tape is. It was the paper used for telegraphs. That makes a whole lot of sense. Just imagine how much ticker tape would be used in New York City every day. Enough to choke a camel or any mammal of comparable size. Since this was before the age of recycling, there wasn’t anything to do with it but throw it in the streets. You’re returning the trees to the ground, it makes sense. That’s honestly why parades started in the first place. Cities needed an excuse to have one every month, just to get rid of their paper and keep the fez guys employed. Could you imagine if we started doing this with CVS receipts? Like every time our team wins The Big Game, we gather all the receipts we saved up and plaster them with em. It honestly sounds kind of fun. For us, not the athletes.
– In all of my years wandering around Manhattan, I had never ran into a parade. It’s not that hard of a task, considering how much the Yankees suck, but it’s still a fact that I had a lot of pride in. That all got ruined yesterday. Thinking I could go on a nice rainy day stroll, I came to an impasse on 5th avenue. Fucking St Patricks Day. I’m not exactly mad about the parade. It’s a holiday, people can do whatever the hell they want. My problem is with the logistics. If you’re going to hold a parade on a weekday, don’t do it on fucking 5th avenue. It completely clogs passage straight down the middle of the island. There’s much better streets to parade down. Like, for example, Broadway. There’s a subway line that goes down Broadway, so if you want to cross the street, you would just have to go underground and then back up on the other side. Easy peasy. On 5th Avenue, you’re just completely screwed. There’s literally nowhere for you to cross. This isn’t rocket science. It’s parade science. And New York is really bad at it.
– Imagine, if you will, you buy a brand new car. But not just any car. We’re talking about a fully-loaded Porsche Cayenne. You spend $88,000 on it. Worth every penny. You drive that sonofabitch out of the dealership and everything in the world is beautiful. But something’s missing. The car drives wonderfully, but there’s a certain something it just doesn’t have. You park it in your paved driveway and admire it for a minute. That’s a fine-looking automobile. Then why isn’t it good enough?
And then it hits you. You back window doesn’t have a decal. And you know just the one to get.
Remember that movie, The Hangover? Yeah, I bet you do. Remember when the gang got all drugged up, stole a baby and stuffed it in the closet? Remember when they put sunglasses on the baby, gave it a fake name and then put it in all sorts of danger? That was really funny. You love to laugh. You know what would make other people laugh? If you got a sticker of that baby and have it say “Baby On Board”. People will think you’re funny. They won’t at all think that you kidnapped a baby and took it to negotiate with a cartel or something. It’s a funny joke. Everyone likes The Hangover. You’re really funny. Feels good to laugh again.
– Try this trick over the weekend: get a bumper sticker that says, “Women want my other car, Fish fear the Millenium Falcon”.
Have a confusing weekend, everyone!