Match of the Week: Pooping Through A Tornado

Smarkmanship and droneness aside, I think we could all agree that for the most part, top to bottom, AEW’s Revolution PPV was stacked. Whether you were there for blood, surprises, Japanese homages, sonic rings, flippy shit, cowboy shit or technically sublime wrestling, the card had something for you. And all night, we were treated to 5 star matches that would’ve been 7 stars in the Tokyo Dome. Anybody that watched the show last night enjoyed their asses off, guaranteed. But when the show becomes a 4 hour marathon, you need some cooldown matches. A chance to rub your eyes, touch grass, cook a fillet mignon, buy a handle of whiskey, whatever it is you need to do between 11:02 and 11:17 on a Sunday night.

So when a Trios Tornado match was booked between the AHFO (pronounced, “Ahh-Foe”) and the team of Darby Allin, Sting and (for some reason) Sammy Guevara (pronounced, “Goo-Vara”), we knew it would be prime time to take a poop before the main event. It almost seemed kind of obnoxious. This was booked to be, at best, a Rampage main event. It didn’t make much sense. Sammy is, after all, the TNT Champion. Why wouldn’t they just run back a triple threat between him, Allin and Andrade? Why is the title being booked so weirdly? Why is he still carrying around two belts? The potential existence of this match on a PPV raised a lot of questions. But one thing we knew for sure is that it was skippable.

But while you were pooping, you probably heard a loud thud.

That thud was the sound of Darby Allin diving into a trash can head-first at 100 MPH.

While you were wiping, you probably heard the crowd go apeshit. You figured it was Jeff Hardy making his long-awaited debut.

No. That was Sting. Doing a Jeff Hardy spot.

I should probably back up. While you were pooping, they aired one of Darby’s black & white stuntman vignettes. There was a group of non-descript Pacific Northwesterners holding a funeral for Andrade, Matt Hardy and Isiah Kassidy. Suddenly, a car fell from the sky and through the roof of a trailer. Darby Allin crawled out of the car wearing a fuzzy Freddy Krueger sweater. Sting then jumped the fence with a flame thrower and set everything on fire. None of it made any sense and it was awesome.

Much like the vignette, this match made no sense. And it was awesome.

Instead of getting a cool-off match, we got a 13 minute adrenaline rush. There was no structure or cohesion whatsoever, just chaos and ridiculous spots. These spots included, but were not limited to:

– Andrade doing a top-rope stomp on Darby…while Darby was hoisted in the air by his own legs

– The aforementioned trash can missile…on Jose The Assistant…while the trash can was on his head.

– Isiah Kassidy skinning the cat over the barricade and turning it into a DDT.

– Sammy performing a perfect Spanish Fly on Isiah…off a giant steel structure…through a table.

– And then…there was this:

That is Sting. Who is going to be 63 years old this month. Recreating Jeff Hardy’s spot from the 2000 Royal Rumble and jumping through 3 tables. I’m only 34 and I can’t sit cross-legged for more than an hour. This man is jumping through 3 tables. He has no business wrestling at his age. He doesn’t need to be wrestling at his age. But there’s a huge difference between the muted Sting you saw in the WWE 10 years ago and the Sting you saw last night. He’s working with the best in the world, being able to do the things he wants to do on his own terms and he’s having the time of his life. Moments like those remind you of how great wrestling is. But you missed it all. Because you were pooping. You got back in time to see the botched Coffin Drop finish and assumed that you missed nothing.

Was it the best match of the week? No. Was it the best match of the night? No. Was if the best match of the hour? That’s debatable. We thought we were getting a break in the action and instead got madness. It just goes to show that Tony Khan will always keep us on our toes.

– TeeCoZee