I’d Rather Just Celebrate Christmas Eve [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the Noggy Day? It’s Friday, December 24th, Two Thousand and Twenty-One. The weather in Astoria is 38˚ & Pantone 15-3919 and somewhere, somebody still doesn’t know what to get. Something decorative? Something useful? Something sentimental? Can something sentimental even be found on short notice? Are you even able to buy sentiment? Or is it something that’s made? Earned? Found on eBay at 5 in the morning? Little does he know, his wallet was stolen and there’s no good Christmas gifts to be found at an Autozone. And me? Ebay at 5 AM is the only way to Christmas Shop. I also have some things on my mind.
– I was going to my phone to look up the weather and I opened up Twitter instead, because that’s what I always do. Nothing helps the creative process better than mindless scrolling. It came to my attention that this existed:
As soon as I realized that it wasn’t a joke, my brain was sent through a loop. Nothing about it gives me any indication that this is a real movie, but rather, a very expensive trailer. Just looking at 15 year-old Ralph makes my eyes hurt. Like, his face legitimately makes me angry. I never thought a face could exist that is more punchable than Joe Buck’s. I don’t know how anyone can tolerate looking at that for 90 minutes, so obviously, the movie doesn’t actually exist. Also, they keep making a point to say that it’s the “Official Sequel”, which is some real sus Goodtimes Video shit. No official sequel would go out of their way to say that they’re the official sequel. It’s called a Christmas Story 2. Obviously, it’s a sequel. I don’t walk up to strangers to say, “Hi, my name is Troy. I am not Barry Horowitz”. Because duh. I’m Troy. If I say that I’m not Barry Horowitz, people are going to suspect that I’m Barry Horowitz. Just like I’m calling the bluff on this fake movie. According to this fake poster, Ralphie has a love interest. But she is nowhere to be found in the overly-long trailer.
The fan-made iMDB page also doesn’t help its case. Only 7 characters in the cast have an actual name. The rest is a wide range of made up characters including, but not limited to: Angry Customer, Burly Guy, Construction Foreman, Homeless Father, Angry Customer, New Kid In Line, Nazi Interrogator, Heating Guy, Dental Receptionist, Shoe Lady, Angry Customer, Girl On Lap and of course, Franklin Roosevelt. There’s so many characters that don’t have companions. There’s no dentist for the receptionist. There’s no prisoner for the Nazi Interrogator. There’s no construction workers for the foreman. This whole cast is nothing but people just existing. And they could’ve at least numbered the angry customers. If I was Daniel Bacon, I would feel snubbed. He was surely Angry Customer #1. Just ask his wife. This “screenplay” was seemingly written by a robot. A robot that wrote 9 episodes of Night Court and also narrated the movie. That’s a really easy way of going about film production. Let’s have the guy that wrote the script say the most lines, because he knows the lines best.
Which brings me to the horrible realization that yes, this movie does exist. And frankly, I’m just disgusted. You can’t make a direct sequel to a 30 year old movie with the intention of it being good. They knew exactly what they were doing. This was surely a Wal-Mart $5 Bin Exclusive. It was geared towards teenagers to give to their fathers that they hate. It was made to be made fun of. I’m willing to bet that half of the people that bought the movie had 5 bucks to blow and wanted to see just how bad it was. And that’s sad. A lot of people worked hard on this movie that had no control over the quality of it. People slaved away during 16 hour days just trying to make things look like the 1950’s. Someone worked weekends just to dye Ralphies stupid hair. There were PAs, ADs, Gaffers, Scripties and Craft Servicers that were busting their ass for a paycheck. There was some poor kid in Malaysia that printed and assembled thousands of these DVDs, just wondering what the hell it was and why anybody would buy it. All of this crap happened just because Daniel Stern was bitter that Dilbert and his self-titled sitcom got cancelled. Thanks, Danny.
– It doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. This is probably because it’s December 24th and I still haven’t written about how it doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. So I guess now it feels like Christmas. That’s nice. Mmm. Christmas.
– I’m going to say something highly controversial. I mean, I always do, but at least I warn you beforehand. I don’t go out there guns ablazing with hot takes, I always do it with caution. I just hope you appreciate that courtesy because a lesser man wouldn’t give it to you. This is something that’s been on my mind for a while and I finally feel comfortable with saying it out loud. I think my arguments are sound. Ahem:
The AFC/NFC Championship games are always better than the Super Bowl.
The Royal Rumble is better than Wrestlemania.
The flop is better than the river.
The proposal is more memorable than a wedding vow.
Pi Day is better than St Patricks Day.
Foreplay is better than sex.
The last day of school is better than any day in August.
The road trip is better than the destination.
The ALCS [but not necessarily NLCS] is better than the World Series.
The fantasy draft is more exciting than the fantasy league.
Christmas Eve is better than Christmas.
There. I said it. Nearly all of my cherished Christmas memories took place on Christmas Eve. It is simply a better day. This is because the anticipation for Christmas is at a fever pitch. Everybody’s in a better mood because they’re excited about what the next day will bring. But what we fail to realize is that it’s our excitement that makes all the Christmas magic. Unless you’re opening presents at 11 PM, you’re going to spend a good chunk of Christmas lamenting that it’s “over”. And Christmas Eve doesn’t have any of that mopey bullshit. The world is your oyster and also, there might be Oysters at the Christmas Eve party. Growing up, we would eat nothing but hors d’oeuvres on Christmas Eve and that beat the shit out of any kind of meal we would have on Christmas proper. Fuck a potato casserole, give me a plate of Swedish meatballs and 50 colby-jack cubes. Throw some ring bologna on there and my white trash charcuterie is complete. Christmas Eve is better than Christmas in almost every way.
Don’t believe me? Just ask the experts. And by experts, I mean Hollywood. Think about your favorite Christmas movie. Yes, Die Hard counts, I guess, whatever. Think about that movie and then play out in your head all the scenes that take place on Christmas. You can’t do that, can you? That’s because nearly every good Christmas movie takes place or climaxes on Christmas Eve. Let’s take a look at some of the more revered Christmas Movies and how much screentime takes place on Christmas Day:
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: 0 Minutes
Home Alone: >2 Minutes
Home Alone 2: Lost In New York: >4 Minutes
Die Hard: 0 Minutes
The Santa Clause: >2 Minutes
Jingle All The Way: 0 Minutes
It’s A Wonderful Life: 0 Minutes
The Grinch: >5 Minutes
A Miracle On 34th Street: >10 Minutes
A Christmas Story 2: 0 Minutes [Because if doesn’t exist [actually, it does, and the answer is 11 minutes]]
The Muppet Christmas Carol: >9 Minutes
The only real outlier in the bunch is A Christmas Story, which clocked in at 16 minutes of Christmas Day action. That’s because no good stories are ever told about Christmas Day. Maybe a good ending or two, but all the action happens beforehand. So basically, any Christmas movie you think you know and love is actually a Christmas Eve movie. Because Christmas Eve is a better day. You get the best of both worlds: You can do festive stuff and be with family, but everything is open, so you can also have a normal day. Whereas on Christmas, you’re forced to have an abnormal day, because the world is closed. For these reasons and many reasons more, I’d rather just wish you all a Happy Christmas Eve. So please! Have one!
Try this trick over the weekend: Get tested. Wear a mask. Stay safe and be with your loved ones at the same time. It’s win-win!
Happy Christmas Eve, everyone!