Day 367: At Least I’m Somewhat Good At Predicting Stuff [Beer League Semifinals Preview]
Hey Beer Leaguers! Remember when I said that Amanda was going to beat Colin because he would be too focused on getting a tie? Look what happened. Remember when I said that Zook would advance against Paul, which was a totally baseless prediction with no actual bearing on anything? Well, shit, I was right about that too! Doesn’t it feel good to be right? Wait, why am I asking you? I was the one that was right! Ahahahahahaha!
Now if only I spent more time focusing on my team than trying to be right. Oh well. The semifinals are upon us and surprise, only the top 4 seeds are left. That means that our last minute playoff restructuring amounting to nothing. Fantastic! The important part is that we have the 5th and 6th seeds a fair shot. And they completely fumbled those shots, which makes no sense because there’s no fumbling in baseball. So what lies ahead for the Final Four? What wild predictions am I going to be right about? Let’s talk about it.
GERALDSR FRAUDS will attempt to thwart Batting Cages’ airplane hijacking and win the Cyrus The Virus Award
Or maybe it was the other way around. I genuinely don’t remember Con Air. I just know the ending ripped off Wild At Heart. Which is weird, because it was also Nicholas Cage. So maybe Con Air is just a really shitty sequel-in-spirit to Wild At Heart. Harry Dean Stanton is spinning in his grave. Not because of Con Air, but because he seems like a grave spiny kind of guy.
Everybody who woke up last Sunday morning probably woke up to a flurry of roster moves made by Bryan and yours truly. For once, the bye week teams took advantage of the free moves at the last possible second. And Bryan didn’t fuck around when adding players. Michael Brantley is due to be activated from the IL tomorrow and if he does, he’ll be an instant headache for Zook. Kyle Tucker, Tyler O’Neil and Alex Verdugo are also due to be headache-inducing if they maintain their heat. The same could be said about his pitching staff, which could’ve handily beat any of our asses with one eye open. As the perennial #2 this season, Bryan is easy to overlook. But he’s a lot more dangerous than we all thought. And he just made his team stronger.
Zook advanced last week on a wing and a prayer. Austin Hays has been sleeper supreme and as of press times, he’s already 1/1 this week. If his scrubs can keep their momentum and George Springer finally wakes up, he will give Bryan a run for his money. The same goes with pitching. Zook has basically been the best streamer in the league this season, so if those chips fall his way, it could be the deciding factor in this matchup.
Prediction: Zook spent most of the season with a large first place cushion. After his team fell off the map, his cushion went with it. But there’s a reason why he’s still here and it’s because he’s lucky. And I feel like he’s gonna ride that luck one more week for an 8-5 win.
Cheese Whiz is going to try to get songs banned off the airwaves, so she’ll never have to hear “Anyway, Here’s Wanderwall” ever again
I hate that I have to keep this team name even though Wander Franco is on the IL. But history proves that I have really bad luck when I change team names in the playoffs. If I had better hindsight, I would’ve used one of my free moves yesterday to pick up Wander Franco The Giant. Instead, I’m hoping this team name is a rallying cry for Wander to get healthy quick so he can resume his 39 game on base streak.
I hear that it’s wrong to toot your own horn. I don’t know where that saying comes from. Which horn am I supposed to toot if not my own? Am I supposed to take somebody else’s horn and toot on that? Or is the saying just anti-toot? Anyways, when I woke up this morning, I thought I had this matchup in the bag. I haven’t taken a loss since Memorial Day and even in the bye week, my team would’ve still taken care of business. I can say with confidence that this is the best fantasy team I’ve ever had. Just like the 2019 and 2021 Dodgers.
And just like them, I now get to face the buzzsaw.
Because holy shit did Amanda kick ass last week. Her stats were otherworldly. She’s getting hot at just the right moment. Jose Ramirez was a goddamn maniac, batting for .500. Cheating Fuckbag Magoo got 10 ribeyes. Even prospect “bust”, Jarred Kelenic, is on a tear. Her boys are firing on all cylinders right when it matters most. I’m going to be sweating bullets all week.
Prediction: Even though Amanda’s team is performing at a better clip than mine, I think I might still be able to eke out an 8-6 win. Or we just flat-out tie. Because that would be a perfect ending to this wonky ass season.
That’s all I got for this week. Most of you are already tuned out, but for those who aren’t, be sure to take your vitamins, set your lineup and stream Vladimir Gutierrez. His humongous neck compels you…