Day 364: I’d Rather Clean Out My Notepad [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: “Beat Up Martin”. “Pray For Mojo”. Bah! It’s Friday, September 17th, Twenty Two 1. The weather in Astoria is 74˚ & Pantone 17-5104 and somewhere, somebody is scratching their head. At first, it feels good and brings relief. Then, the paranoia sets in. “What will the others think?” “Clearly, they’re going to think that you’re confused. That’s what confused people do. They scratch their head. but you’re not confused, are you? Wait, maybe you are confused. Or at least confused about whether or not you’re confused. That’s a real head-scratcher. It’s literally a head-scratcher”. Little do they know is that the real problem lies in the dandruff cloud that’s now traveling through the air. Having a dry scalp is much worse than being confused. And me? I just wear a hat. My dandruff is hella contained that way. I also have some things on my mind…

– I was feeling good this morning. Like, really damn good. Like, making up new songs to sing to Willy-good. I went to go get bagels without dragging my feet, that’s how good I felt. I hit the button to the elevator and did a spin move when the door opened. I was just outwardly feeling fantastic. Smiling at people on the sidewalk, just being disgusted with myself. But then I walked into the bagel joint and everything went wrong. Usually, they play an eclectic mix of classic rock tunes that I enjoyed in high school. That was no different today, but the problem was, they were playing “Comfortably Numb”. On paper, that’s not a bad thing. It’s a wonderful song and one of the best of all time. But that’s not the song you want to start your day with, especially if you’re in a good mood. As I stood there, waiting to order, the song hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, the gloomy sky was getting to me. My nerve issues started to flare up. I was reminded of all the bad thoughts that were swirling around my head. Upon leaving, a pimple on my thigh started to get irritated, so I had to walk funny. My allergies kicked in and my eyes started burning. Halfway home, my stomach turned into a ripped bag of peat moss and I had to walk even funnier, but not hah-hah funnier. And it all feels like it’s going to be downhill from here. There are some songs that you should just not hear first thing in the morning, so fuck Pink Floyd and double-fuck the Bagel joint. You may have prepared me a wonderful breakfast, but you totally killed my vibe.

– For the past year, writing the Friday Thoughts have been a struggle. Suddenly, I had 7 days a week to write nonsense, the Friday nonsense no longer felt like special nonsense. Some weeks, I just didn’t have thoughts at all. So last Spring, I started keeping random thoughts in a notepad throughout the week and used that as a baseline for the Friday Thoughts. While most of these musings get used, some of them just never made the cut. I figure there’s no time like the present to just clear out the notepad completely and get it all out there. So the rest of these thoughts are just bottom-of-the-barrel rubbish. You know, like they are every week. Enjoy!

– Top 5 Worst Candies In The Checkout Line At Michaels

5) Mini M&Ms
4) Warhead Drops
3) Bit-O-Honey
2) Fruit Stripe Gum
1) Circus Peanuts

I know you’ll cry blasphemy for some of these, but I can assure you, they’re warranted. I hate the texture of Mini M&Ms. They just feel like a rip-off. Bit-O-Honey would be a lot better if they didn’t murder my teeth. And Fruit Stripe Gum would be fine and dandy if the flavor lasted longer than 10 seconds. I’ve never not been disappointed by that bullshit.

– I wish I could remember the context, I truly do. But one time, Rachel said, “Conveniently, there are no white people in my mouth”. I know it had something to do with her broken tooth, but we don’t remember the rest. But I still reference it weekly.

– I was walking by a Chick-Fil-A a while back and saw a sign that got my attention. It boasted that it was home of the “Original Chicken Sandwich”. I scoffed at it, thinking that was being overly-braggy. Like, they call their chicken sandwich, “The Original Chicken Sandwich” but it’s not actually the original. That’s like saying some random bodega in Ozone Park has “The Best Sandwich In Town”. It’s not true, but it’s really hard to prove justly false. Come to find out…god damnit…Chick-Fil-A was actually the first ever marketed chicken sandwich. It still tastes like ass, but good for them…

– One extremely late night, Rachel and I were sitting on the couch. I texted her a link to some dumb tweet that I found to be hilarious, but probably wasn’t. A minute later, her phone blew up and I thought out loud, “Who the fuck is texting you at this hour?!?” Come to find out, it was me. The husband that definitely just texted her. It was at that point that I realized I should go back to bed.

– Some kid walked up to me in the store, He was eating ice out of an ice bucket, which was fucking disgusting, but who am I to stop him? He told me it was good ice. But then I assured him that it came from bad water. We stared each other down for a moment and then I had an epiphany: All good ice leads to bad water. We stood in silence for a minute. Both of our minds were blown. This is why I shouldn’t talk to kids.

– I saw a sign that said “Save SoHo”. It was posted on the vacant window of a boot store that closed down 4 years ago. It made me wonder if the person posting it was aware that the store had been empty since the Obama administration and whether or not that’s what they really meant by “Save SoHo”. But either way, that’s basically SoHo in a nutshell.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Dig out an old notebook. Say everything in it out loud. Then throw it away. The notebook is now useless. I think that’s how it works.

Have a clean weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee