Day 360: Bye Weeks Are For Suckers [Beer League Quarterfinals Preview]

I’d call it an embarrassment of riches because after all, it really is. But I fucking hate the first round bye week. As nice as it feels to finish the regular season on top of the standings, there’s always an invisible target on your back. And while the team you play in the second round is toiling away, becoming stronger, you spend a whole week just twiddling your thumbs because the Yahoo Gods won’t let you do anything else. With something as involved as fantasy baseball, taking a week off is a death warrant. You lose sight of who’s hot, who’s cold and who you should be picking up off the wire. You could get back and your ace pitchers head has fallen off. I’ve seen it happen. It’s gruesome. I wouldn’t recommend it to my worst enemies. Or maybe I would, enemies suck. What I’m trying to say is that Bryan and I should pay ourselves on the back for finishing the season strong. That would give us the gratification that we crave, but also preps the spot that the knife is going to go in next week when we get blindsided by a buzzsaw. It happens all the time and I swear, someday it will happen to you!

This week, we have two matchups in the Championship Bracket, so let’s talk about them!

GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi vs Cheese Whiz

Kaitlyn has been eliminated from contention, so that means no matter what, the Beer Tap will have a new home. But with an Amanda victory, Kaitlyn can save a whole lot of money on shipping, because lord knows that the prices are astronomical these days. She’s sure that the Tap will look much better on her side of the mantle and she’s been dreaming about it all year. It’ll really tie her side of the room together.

On the other hand, Colin is looking to do whatever it takes and anything can happen in three weeks. He might just be having another baby on the way, which would be convenient because he’s also getting a new kid. He would love for that kid to be born with a champion as a Daddy. Wouldn’t we all? My Dad was never a champion but I’m sure my childhood would’ve been a lot cooler if he was. Just saying.

For Colin to win, he’s going to have to rely heavily on the Giants. This may not be the easiest task in the world, as they’re going to spend all week playing against the Padres and Braves: two playoff teams on the down-and-out, thirsty to make a statement against the best record in the league. It’s going to be an uphill battle milking stats out of Buster Posey, Brandon Belt and Co.

For Amanda, it’s as simple as her needing to do the same thing she’s been doing. She just needs to keep riding the wave of her dominant 5 week winning streak. Most importantly, she needs to keep exploiting the stats that Colin’s going to forget about. Her boys are gonna walk and her boys are gonna steal. She’s spent all season scrapping together points wherever she can and that’s going to be how she advances.

Prediction: Amanda advances after Colin punts and tries to get a tie, for the sole purpose of pissing me off. 8-6.

GERALDSR FRUADS vs House of Brews

After getting knocked out of first place, Zook hasn’t been fucking around. Or maybe he has. I don’t know his life. But regardless, his 13-1 rout on PK (to knock him out of playoff contention) was a statement that we heard loud and clear. As a franchise owner that generally falls apart by the All Star break every year, this could finally be the year that he takes home the Tap. Then maybe he’ll take over as commissioner again! Who knows? Let’s get weird!

Paul wants this championship badly because he’s Paul. I really know nothing about Paul, other than the fact that he’s really good at Fantasy Baseball and I would generally be afraid of him in a dark alleyway or outdoor space of comparable structure and lighting. But he’s probably sick of the likes of Kaitlyn and yours truly tap dancing on the moon and wants to put on his own Moon Recital. That’s what we’re playing for, right?

Zook’s potential success this week is reliant on the Blue Jays. He needs Vlad and his wagon ass to keep gunning for the triple crown. He needs Randall Grichuck to stay white hot. [Or even blue hot. Blue is still hot.] He needs George Springer to stay healthy. And most of all, he needs Jordan Romano to bank him some saves. He needs the Jays to flourish, so he hopes their weekend against the Twins will give him enough garbage time stats to advance. Because they sure as shit won’t do it against the Rays.

To put it simply, Paul needs the Padres to wake the fuck up. Trent Grisham and Tatis have been a fabulous one-two punch for him, but they’ve been slumming it as of late. And a wake-up call is going to be a tall order, as they have dates with the Giants and Cardinals. But who knows? More improbable things have happened recently and Tatis could easily come back to cement his MVP bid.

Prediction: Baseball is a streaky sport. Fantasy baseball is even streaker. Since they last tied, Joe hasn’t lost a week, while Paul hasn’t won. The numbers don’t lie. We’re probably looking Zook advancing, 10-4.

Let’s have ourselves a playoff, kids! Be sure to take your vitamins, set your lineup and if you’re out of contention, keep picking up free agents to throw everything off!

– TeeCoZee