Day 357: I’d Rather Not Be Tricked Into Eating Gum [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Everyone has a fear of something. Not everyone. Diet. Where?!? Where?!? Ahhh!!!! It’s Friday, September 10th, 20Two1. The weather in Long Island City is 70˚ & Pantone 14-4123 & somewhere, somebody is ordering a Chopped Cheese. They’ve heard their co-workers from The Bronx talk about it for quite some time, but they still have no clue what it is. All that they know is that they’ll finally have something to talk to them about. Do they literally chop cheese cubes and put them on a hoagie? Is there even a hoagie? Is it just cheese shreds? is Chopped Cheese just a cool way of saying shredded cheese? Little do they know is that it’s just a cheeseburger, chopped up and put on a hoagie. So it’s not even hamburger. It’s just ground beef. Little does the cook know, he doesn’t need to be trying so hard. And me? I had a chopped cheese empanada for lunch. It tasted just like a cheeseburger empanada. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS! I also have a thing on my mind…

– Once every 6 months, I go on a Ramen kick. And when I mean Ramen kick, I’m talking full-on bicycle drop kick from hell. It becomes my lunch 5 days a week. MSG seeps from my skin pores and when I’m sweating on 34th Street, I’m dripping MSG on MSG.

Side note: when I was a kid, I had no idea what MSG was, except for the place that the Rangers and Knicks played. So when my cans of Sonic The Hedgehog Rings and Meatballs touted that there was no MSG, I thought that Sega/Franco American and the city of New York had a falling out. I pictured myself trying to sneak cans of Spaghetti-O’s into Madison Square Garden and getting them confiscated. “Sorry, kid. This is a Boyardee town”.

I’ll buy the cups from Sunrise Mart across the street every goddamn day until the magical day comes where I don’t. After that, I just never think of Raven again. At least until the crave boomerang flips back around and hits me in the face.

While I’m on these Ramen binges, I also choose from their delightful assortment of Japanese candy. And eventually, on every loop, I always end up going for the fizzy cola chews. The packaging always looks so goddamn refreshing! I eagerly pop one of those brown sumsofbitches in my mouth and it becomes engulfed in fizz. Just as advertised. The cola taste is strong, but not too sugary. I chew and chew and chew and chew and chew…

…and chew…

…and chew…

…and fuck. It’s gum.

It’s always gum.

Why is it always gum?!?

Every 6 months, I completely forget that the mysterious fizzy cola candy product is actually gum. This problem has been occurring for 2 years now. In fact, I might have even written about it before. I did a quick google search and nothing came up…but it might’ve happened? That’s the problem with writing 369 straight days with a bad memory. You tend to repeat yourself. Or if you don’t, you accuse yourself of repeating.

Either way, I had no choice but to play it cool, chew gum and pretend to enjoy it. I even blew bubbles, which is a terrible idea when you have a gigantic beard. Long story long, I spent all night picking chunks of brown gum out of my red beard. Some of them are just going to live there forever.

– Try this trick over the weekend: buy some foreign candy, but read the English translation on the back. That way, you know what you’re actually buying.

Have an informed weekend, everybody!

– TeeCoZee