Day 354: Ad Nauseous – Like A Pawn Shop But Better

In these unprecedented times, we like to use terms like “unprecedented”. We also use fear-mongering slang like, “uncertain”, “trying” and “bread maker”. We get it. Things suck right now. You lost your job due to Covid. You don’t know where your next paycheck is coming from. You lost your house in a flood. You stubbed your toe. Your dog doesn’t love you. We’re all going through it right now and ad companies are using that fear to exploit us. More and more, I’m noticing ads for loans and financial assistance. But none of them are any more vague and scammy than the one from The Provident Loan Society:

As always, there’s lots of things to unpack here. They are providing a “cash loan that gets you support”. Support? What kind of support are they actually referring to? Like financial support? If that’s the case, then every cash loan “gets you support”. Or maybe they’re offering emotional support. Like you’re really depressed about having to take a loan, so they have a support team that supports you in your time of need, assuring you that everything will be okay, it’s a normal thing that people do all the time and no, there’s no way your spouse will find out. That must be why the woman in the picture is smiling. Just look at her. She just exudes support. She is a strong woman that needed a loan and she’s okay with that!

But the harder you look, the more uneasy her smile is.

Because it’s a cash loan that gets you support. And by support, they mean encouragement. And by encouragement, they mean employees that check up on you and make sure payments are made. And by employees, they mean hired goons that enforce the loans. And by enforce, they mean they’re going to start cutting off digits with every payment missed. Wonder why you can’t see her hands? I sure as hell don’t. I truly don’t wanna know.

What’s even more troubling is their tagline: “It’s like a Pawnshop but better”. What’s that supposed to mean? Is it really like a Pawnshop? Because it loans out money? That’s a really worthless statement. That’s like saying “Jobs: It’s like gambling, but better” or “School: It’s like the library, but better”. Anything that’s like a Pawnshop is a Pawnshop and if you need money, anything is better than a Pawnshop.

Which makes me wonder: what the fuck is this place? Is it a lender? A bank? Or is it a Super Pawnshop? Of course, I had to go to the website to see.

It’s instant cash secured by your jewelry. You know what that is? IT’S A PAWN SHOP! There is nothing about it that makes it better than a pawn shop, it is literally just a pawn shop. Also, why is this guy jumping through a field?!? Where in the hell is that field?!? It is nowhere near New York/any Provident Loan locations. This guy literally took out a loan and then went off the grid, probably to avoid the “support”. Look at him. He has all of his fingers. The support never got to him. He escaped unscathed. Good for him!

In speaking of pawn shops, what the hell is up with this place anyway?

I know the picture is blurry, but I don’t see any spot in that store that could house Bjork albums. But then again, the apostrophe really throws it off. Perhaps, the owner wanted to state his opinion in the middle of the sign. Or he was on the phone with the sign maker and someone interrupted him to ask him about the new Bjork album. So the sign is supposed to read, “Adult novelties, Pokemon, Yugioh, Airsoft Guns”, but instead, the sign maker heard, “Adult Novelties, Bjork’s album is magic, Pokemon, Yugioh, Airsoft Guns”. That seems like the most likely scenario. Or maybe they do have Bjork albums and the sign is just repetitive. It could be simplified to, “Adult Novelties, Kid Novelties”. But everything that’s for kids is a novelty. So in a way, collectible card games are a novelty to adults. Bulletproof vests and personalized license plates also fall in that category. So the sign should just read, “Adult Novelties”. Simple. Perfect. Would have saved them so much money. But what do I know? I’m not a purveyor of gas masks.

Join me next time when I over-analyze a subscription box for medium sized dogs.

– TeeCoZee