Day 352: Because I Got Conned Into Playing Fantasy Football [Top 5 Top 5 Sunday]

I haven’t paid attention to football in years. You know this, because every September, I never stop shutting the fuck up about it. Like being above football makes me a better person. I spent over 10 hours this weekend watching Indy Deathmatch Wrestling. I’m actually worse than a football fan! But last night, I got in a group text with some friends that I miss dearly. They want to revive the fantasy football league. And although I genuinely don’t want to follow football, I miss my boys. So of course I’m drafting tomorrow blinder than a brave soul in a mosh pit. And instead of doing research, I’m just going to write some football lists. Because expressing things that I already know is good enough!

5) Top 5 Draft Picks Off The Top Of My Head

5) Phillip Rivers

4) Tom Brady

3) Aaron Rodgers

2) Whoever the best Charger is

1) Patrick Maholmes

That’s how fucked I am. I can’t even name football players. I’m just going to have a team of quarterbacks that I hope do a lot of running and flea flickeresque plays. Is Kordell Stewart still around?

4) Top 5 Things About Football That I Won’t Be Able To Get Used To

5) The Raiders are in Las Vegas

4) The Rams are in Los Angeles and Matt Stafford plays for them

3) Tom Brady still exists

2) The Chargers are in Los Angeles and I have no fucking clue who is even on the team

1) Phillip Rivers is a Colt?

Wait, Phillip Rivers IS a Colt, right? I didn’t dream that? Or did he retire? I guess I’ll find out at the draft because Googling is for suckers!

3) Top 5 Fantasy Football Team Names I Might Use This Year

5) Buried Sanders

4) Bo Jackson’s Tits


2) Steve Young’s Concussed Brain

1) Boner Hoagie

I think I might actually go with Boner Hoagie. For personal reasons. If you know, you know. If you don’t…well…I’ll tell you sometime. Maybe.

2) Top 5 Things That I Hope To Gain From This Fantasy Football Season

5) Something to talk to my dad about

4) A limited renewed knowledge of football

3) Something to obsess over once fantasy baseball is over

2) A bonding experience with old friends

1) 70 bucks

We’re high rollers over here. We’re putting down 10 bucks on this league! That means the winner can get, like, a PS5 game! Or 70 McChickens. WE GOTS PLENTY MONEY!!!

1) Top 5 New Pictures In My Camera Roll






Whenever a baseball fan makes a public Simpsons reference, I have to mark out for it. And honestly, this one was pretty damn good.

Have an boournsy week, everyone!

– TeeCoZee