Day 339: At Least Two Teams Won A Shutout [Beer League Roundup Week 19]

Bounjour, Bière Leaguers. That was French for “Bonjour, Beer Leaguers”. Shutouts are always a tough pill to swallow. And I know a thing or two about tough pills to swallow. Ever try to take Walgreens Brand Nyquil? I had one lodged in my esophagus for over an hour. It had me really spooked. And then, because I was trying to dislodge it, my throat felt even worse than it did in the first place. I switched to syrup after that. Anyways, shutouts suck. Especially in fantasy baseball, when we feel like we should be able to get one measly point, but the Casual Sports Gambling Gods smite us instead. We’ve all been there. Joe and Dave, I feel for you guys. But also, Amanda and I shut you mofos out baybeeeeeeeeeeee! But seriously, that sucks. But seriously, that rules. Let’s round it up.

The Souvenir Cups were filled up with plenty of iced tea for the road trip on the BQE Gongshow, just enough for an 8-6 win

Remember when Dansby Swanson was supposed to be really good? Yeah, me neither. But apparently he was, but then it became heartbreakingly clear that he was a bust. Well, now the bust has busted out and that probably explains why the Braves are suddenly on top of the East again. He didn’t give Rachel the same blockbuster stats he recorded the week before, but he still batted .318. It also looks like Polar Pete found his Polar Pop, as he mashed 3 taters last week.

On PK’s side, what in God’s name is Austin Meadows doing?!? Last week, he got 11 RBIs and no runs. What gives? Does nobody else on his team believe in returning the favor? Is he constantly getting picked off? Pinch-ran for? Who in the hell is batting behind this guy? Brandon Lowe? (That’s a joke, because Lowe has hit into the most double plays this year (also, the Rays have hit into the most double plays, period (I guess that’s not a joke, it’s probably the answers to my questions))).

RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure and GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi fucking tied. 6-6.

Come on! You guys know how I feel about ties! Err, wait, maybe they didn’t tie. I wrote this headline too soon. Let me fix it.

RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure and HusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi fucking tied. 6-6.

Welp. I guess that did actually happen. Although I’m still of the opinion that ties belong around necks and not on scoreboards, apparently y’all think otherwise. So I guess I have no choice but to allow it.

This actually wasn’t a lazy tie. Kelsey led the league in HRs, batting average and OPS. Kudos to Colin for tying against an offensive juggernaut like that. He got a lot of help from his pitching staff, who all had decent performances in one of the categories. Kelsey got very little help from her Red Sox, who were unable to even help themselves.

At the moment, Colin is hovering outside of the playoff bubble, but he’s only a few points out. I’m starting to get the feeling that this whole race is going to come down to the wire, as the playoff teams are changing on a weekly basis. It’s probably going to boil down to who plays the rainbows in the last week.

Dollar Dogs poached a lot of sales by setting up shop outside of The House of Brews, also won 8-6

After a scary 3 week slide, Kaitlyn got a much-needed notch in the win column. It was just a satisfying, clean win for her crew. Sandy Alcantara continues to be untouchable, as he had two sparkling starts last week. Same can be said for Aaron Nola, who was an out away from a complete 11 strikeout game. Whenever a team finishes the week with a sub-1.00 WHIP, it’s impressive as hell. And Kaitlyn managed to do just that.

Despite the loss, Paul remains firmly planted in the playoff bubble, where he intends to stay. His whole season is giving off some real Milwaukee Brewers vibes, not just because they have really similar names. They are by no means flashy or intimidating, but they quietly stay on top. You can’t really name a player on either of the teams, but they get the job done day in and day out. And they’re both setting themselves up to be a huge fucking issue for everybody come Postseason.

Cheese Whiz Shut Out The Connecticut Rainbows, 14-0, and is also very good at fantasy baseball

Let’s be honest with ourselves: it doesn’t matter who Amanda played against last week. She could have handily beat any of our asses and we would have no choice but to take it and hope that we never see her again. She led the league in 6 different stats, so chances are, the results would have been similar no matter the opponent. However, because it was the Rainbows, she got herself 14 free points and a comfortable spot at the front of the bubble. But is that spot really that comfortable? The way things have been going, nobody knows. Anyways, here’s “Everybody Hurts”:

Batting Cages defeated US2 Onion Melter 8-5, all because he wanted to give a kid a stuffed bunny

Is there anything CJ Cron can’t do? This is starting to get a little confusing. The guy is not supposed to be this good and yet here we are, deep into August and he’s still out-performing all of his teammates. Baseballs just weird sometimes, I guess. Also, when the hell did Adam Wainright become an ace again?!? He threw 14 innings of 2 run ball with 13 strikeouts. Those are 2013 numbers. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but apparently Bryan does. He’s got his hand firmly on the pulse of the hasbeen beat and it’s been working to his favor all season long.

Bruce Hooper hit 2 hone runs last week. Good for him.

Anyway, Here’s Wanderwall shut out GERALD’S® FRAUDS, 13-0?!?!?!?!?!?

Summerslam was last weekend and one of the most hyped matches was a rematch from Wrestlemania. Smackdown Women’s Champion, Bianca Belair, was set to defend her title against a returning Sasha Banks in a match that people were foaming at the mouth to see happen. But in reality, Sasha Banks is an anti-vaxxer POS and suddenly couldn’t compete in the match. They announced this at the last possible second, much to everyone’s dismay. Just as the crowd was getting up to go to the bathroom during yet another Carmella-Belair rematch, some familiar music hit. It was Becky Lynch, who has been on maternity leave for the past 16 months. The stadium erupted. Goosebumps formed on arms all across the world as we were finally being treated to this dream match. It was actually happening. The Man vs The EST. Goddamn, it was a beautiful thing to consider.

The bell rang, the crowd got even louder and the champ offered her hand for a shake. Becky shook it and then blindsided her with a finisher. She won the match in under 30 seconds. Nobody knew what to think. They didn’t know whether to cheer or jeer. It was just…such an empty result. We’ve waited so long for this match to happen and then when we’re surprised with it, the whole thing ends up being bullshit.

And that is exactly how I felt about my matchup with Joe this week.

I had last week circled on my mental calendar. I knew that would be the week to put up or shut up. It was supposed to be a clash for the ages. And then…it just wasn’t. Nobody likes being shut out, but sometimes being on the winning end of one feels just as empty. I know I didn’t catch Joe on his best week and frankly, I’m a little disappointed about that. No fault of his own, these weeks just happen. So…I guess I’ll see him in September? Maybe? If we’re lucky?

But then again, I should be grateful to have a 14 point 1st place cushion. That is kind of nice. I’ll stop my complaining. Maybe.

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Colin for his successful pitcher streams. It appears that only two of them blew up in his face and they were all instrumental in his comeback tie.

The Drive To Deep Right By Castellanos Award goes to Joe for giving Lewis Brinson a shot all week long. He was only able to muster 2 hits during his hard, hard slump. Sometimes it be like that.

That’s all for this week. Be sure to take your vitamins, set your lineups and give Tylor Megill a chance. His name may be dumb, but I can assure you that he’s okay and I’m sick of streaming him twice a week.

– TeeCoZee