Day 332: At Least We Have A New Leader [Beer League Roundup Week 18]

It finally happened, Beer Leaguers! Chris Sale has finally pitched a game! Oh wait, that’s not what we’re excited about. What was it? Oh yeah.

It finally happened, Beer Leaguers! Chris Davis retired and he has plans to Bobby Bo the fuck out of the city of Baltimore! Shit, that’s still not it.

Ahem.

It finally happened, Beer Leaguers! We have a new team in first place! What I thought was going to be a brief and terrible reign of Zook turned out to be a long and benign summer in which Zook was in first. But no longer! The Summer of Zook is over and now we get to celebrate…The Fall of Coze! Wait, that sounds like a bad thing. Oh well. I’ll enjoy my brief time on top and round up the week at the same time. Because I can double task. That’s what first place teams do. They also win sometimes. And eat bagels. HERE’S THE ROUNDUP!

Batting Cages drove angry up and down the BQE Gongshow, winning 8-6

In addition to have two pitchers go on the dreaded Covid IL, PK was bit with some bitter bad luck. He lost strikeouts, batting average and walks by a minuscule amount. That little boost would’ve propelled him to 4th place, but he dropped to 6th instead. The margin of error in the playoff bubble is razor thin. The difference between 8th and 4th place is 6.5 points. This is becoming the tightest race that we’ve had in years and I fully expect the standings to be shook up every week for the rest of the season.

Bryan, however, doesn’t have to worry about these mortal peasant issues. He’s essentially guaranteed a playoff spot at this point and is one blowout away from snatching up the coveted first place spot. And if JD Martinez keeps hitting like he has been, it could happen any week now.

Cheese Whiz was a formidable topping for Dollar Dogs, spreading out for a 12-2 win

Holy crap, Teoscar Hernandez is on fire. His brain shattering .500 batting average and 10 RBIs propelled Amanda to an easy win and more importantly, back into the playoff bubble where she belongs. Her pitchers get strikeouts, her batters hit for average, she’s ready to claim the Beer League Trophy and bring it back where it belongs: on her side of the mantle.

Kaitlyn might’ve fallen on hard times, but it’s not all storm clouds and blooper memes for her team. Aaron Judge and AJ Pollock continue to have the season of their lives. Tyler Mahle and Sandy Alcantara have evolved into elite pitchers under her very eyes. She may be in 8th place, but she could easily be in 4th by the end of the week. Nobody’s counting her out yet…

House of Brews and GusPolinski’s Hotdg Corwn Chi TIED?!? Ties still happen?!?

Who doesn’t love a tie? I do ties all the goddamn time. I wear neckties, I tie my shoes, I tie garbage bags, I eat Drunken Noodles, I’m just a tie kind of guy, ya know? But tying in a fantasy matchup? That’s just downright strange. I don’t vibe with that kind of tie. In fact, here’s a top 5 list of ties that I can’t vibe with:

5) Off

4) Complicated knots

3) Noose

2) Dye

1) Fantasy matchup

You heard it here first. Tying in fantasy sports is worse than tie dye. And you know how much I hate hippies. This is a beer league, not some tying tie league for tiers. You can’t tie beer. It’s liquid. These antics are horseshit. Paul and Colin are officially on notice. Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams and beer cans can’t be made into string. Stop living in your fantasy tie land and win or lose like beer drinkers!

GERALD’SR FRAUDS barely reached the end of the Connecticut Rainbows, getting away with a 7-6 win

This one had the whole fantasy world on the edge of their seats until the very end. Zook, on the verge of being bonked off the top spot, was being massacred by the Autodraft Squad for most of the week. I even took a screenshot:

Not only was my phone about to die, I also had the option to explore the 2021 Honda CR-V! Which I didn’t do, because I’m an adult and I understand that it’s just like the 2020 model and I don’t need an ad to tell me otherwise.

So how did Joe recover and eke out a win? It appears to be pure luck and finesse, as only one of his streamers went longer than 3.1 innings. He got the walks on lock and then spammed his way to higher pitching stats. Sometimes, that’s just how it is. It’s not a clean win, but it’s a win. Anyways, here’s “When Doves Cry”:

The Souvenir Cups were machine washable and got rid of the US2 Onion Melter’s reside, winning 8-5

Will Smith has proven to be the best Will Smith. Which Will Smith am I talking about? The one that blasted 3 home runs over the weekend and made the decisive win conservancy easier for Rachel. Dansby Swanson one-upped Will Smith for the honor of his teammate, Will Smith, by knocking 4 home runs over the weekend. And then Hunter Renfroe one-upped Dansby Swanson by doing slightly less for a team that’s way more likable than the Braves, which in my opinion, is better. She may be sitting outside the playoff bubble, but a few more weeks like this and she’ll be easily back in the mix.

Yes, Matt, I get it. Bruce Hooper walks a lot now. Big whoop. His slash line of .188/.940 is downright confusing. I guess that’s why I don’t do baseball.

Anyway, Here’s Wanderwall Out-RBIed and Out-Most Of Everything Elsed RBI’D 4 Her Pleasure, 13-1

The Dodgers did good this week, so therefore I also did good. That’s just how it works. I’ve only been in first place for 19 hours and I’m already sick of gloating. So I’ll just leave it at that.

Luckily, I don’t have to gloat for long. Because this week is the matchup we’ve all been waiting for. It’s Coze vs Zook II and this time, it’s for all the marbles! Who will prevail? Who will go on the IL? What marbles am I even talking about? Most of these questions will be answered this week!!!

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Bryan for picking Alex Colome out of the dumpster. He was rewarded with 2 saves, which is 2 more than what 5 other teams got this week.

The Drive Into Deep Right By Castellanos Award goes to Colin, for streaming Kris Bubic. His lit up tits got him dangerously close to the Worst ERA Of All Time Title. But alas, I still hold it.

That’s all for this week. Remember to take your vitamins, set your lineups and not ever take tie for an answer!

– TeeCoZee