Day 329: I’d Rather Be Making Fart Noises [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! I don’t care! It’s Friday, August 13th [gulp], 202ZeroPlusOne. The weather in Astoria is 93˚ & Pantone 2707 and somewhere, somebody is finally making that awful discovery. They were warned about it before, but they didn’t think it was that serious. It is. The anguish they are going through would never be wished upon their worst enemies. Except Jedd. Fuck Jedd. He would love this shit, or rather, he would love laughing while somebody else did it. Why didn’t they listen to everyone’s warnings? Why was it so easy to make this mistake? Why, oh why did they drink the last of the orange juice right after brushing their teeth? And me? I stay away from that shit. Orange juice gives me heartburn. However, I am drinking the unholy combination of coffee and Squirt, so I’m not doing too great, either. I also have some things on my mind…

– A customer was flummoxed by the new self-scan lanes as if he was the first person to ever be offended by them. He even did animated arm movements to further express his disdain. On his way out, his comment was, “Next thing, there’ll be machines to wipe your own ass!”. It was at that point I had to break the news to him that bidets exist.

– I sometimes wonder what my childhood would’ve been like if I grew up in New York. Would I had been just as timid and awkward, or would I have been more rambunctious? Or would I have been more timid, as I would just spend my days in much bigger libraries? Would I have had the same sense of humor? What would I had done to pass the time? I was pondering that last week when I got on the train. But then immediately, I saw a kid with his face pressed against the window. He seemed to be having a ball just watching the world go by. And then he made a bunch of fart noises and laughed to himself. It was at that moment that I realized that I would have been exactly the same.

– I was thinking about the LL Cool J song, “Doin’ It” the other day, because it’s a great song that I think about often. But I suddenly became confused by the chorus. He claims that he “represents Queens, she was raised out in Brooklyn”. A very innocuous statement that has nothing to do with having sex, but it bothered me. I could have sworn that LL hailed from Brooklyn himself. Canarsie, to be precise. In fact, it was even on the cover of one of his Greatest Hits compilations:

It took me an uncomfortably long amount of time to realize that this was a meme that I made 10 years ago. We have officially reached this age of the internet. Things that were obviously fake a decade ago are now being mistaken as fact. Even worse, I was the one that made up the lie. I pretty much just Mandella’ed myself. I have reached the pinnacle of my own personal zeitgeist. I don’t think that statement makes any sense. It just sounded cool.

– I told my co-worker that it something smelled like Updog. After I repeated it to him several times, he went outside and determined that the smell was coming from a grease collection truck. I need to find a new job.

– This morning, Rachel was cooing to Willy about how handsome and fluffy he was. Then she also cooed about how handsome and fluffy I am.

I love my Handsome Fluffy Boys

Hell yeah, HFF baybeeee!

What’s HFF?

Handsome, fluffy…fuck!

It took me 10 more minutes to realize that Handsome Fluffy Fuck could be abbreviated to HFF. I had a pretty slow morning.

– If you ever feel down in the dumps about your station in life, just remember: there’s some bing bong out there that’s waiting to get rich off of novelty beer mugs. Feel better?

– Try this trick over the weekend: Make somebody play 52 Card Pickup with you and see how long it takes for them to realize that you have an ace up your sleeve.

Have a tricky weekend, everybody! Go Dodgers!

– TeeCoZee