Day 328: 780 Words About Chris Davis

Somehow, it’s Thursday already. You know, the day when I make people decide my writing subject for me. Well, this week, I cheated. The news picked a subject for me and the thing practically wrote itself. Today, Chris Davis unceremoniously retired with 780 career RBIs. So here’s 780 words about Chris Davis:

When I joined my first fantasy baseball league, I didn’t know shit about baseball. It was 2013 and the Tigers were just coming off of a disappointing World Series loss in a season that I feigned mild interest in. I may not had known much about baseball, but I was already a self-proclaimed fantasy football savant, so I figured I could work a baseball team. I joined a $20 Yahoo league with a bunch of strangers with dumb names. One of them was named I GOTS PLENTY MONEY and he seemed to be the leader of the group. Or at least he was the biggest asshole.

We had our draft in late April, a full month after the season started. I felt like that worked to my advantage, as I could see who was actually good and who was having a fluke season the year before. Like I said, I didn’t know shit about baseball. I was the third pick in the draft and I drafted my boy. The guy I had my eyes on. The guy that so far in the 2013 baseball season was leaps and bounds above everyone else.

My 3rd overall pick was Chris Davis.

The draft chat went into hysterics. I GOTS PLENTY MONEY spent the whole draft mocking me about it. But I stuck to my guns and my logic. He was great in that moment, he did pretty good the year before, he was my boy. And it paid off dividends. He didn’t really relent until after he was named an All Star. His 53 home runs gave him the nickname, Crush Davis, and he propelled me to the top of the standings.

The 2013 season holds a special place in my heart, or rather, the 2013 version of Crush Davis does. I took a gamble on this guy and he thrived, while I excitedly watched every single night. He helped me fall in love with baseball, which helped me find the love of my life. The ideal story would be that I won the fantasy league that year, but I lost in the championship. I did, however, demolish I GOTS PLENTY MONEY in the first round. That felt damn good.

You probably already know how my pickup line to Rachel was that I was considering getting a Yasiel Puig tattoo. But you probably don’t know about the cutesy shit we told each other, because why would you? Fucking pervert. When we first started dating, before we said the L word but while we were feeling it, we accused one another of having a crush. And because we’re a couple of nerds, that turned into us having a Crush Davis. And then we simplified it to 19, his uniform number.

By then, Chris Davis had already fallen off a cliff. The Orioles offered him a gargantuan contract and he spent most of that time being one of the worst players in baseball. Baltimorians have a lot of reasons to detest him, as his contract has practically bankrupt the whole franchise. But he’s still a folk hero in our household, as we constantly point it out whenever we see the number 19 in the wild. And of course, that’s why we intended to have 19 guests watch us say 19 vows at 3:19 on 9/19/19. It was all because of Chris Davis. I don’t think anyone in the world has a stronger personal connection to him without having ever met him.

Nowadays, our boys still aren’t doing too good. Puig is hiding in the Mexican Baseball League after sexual assault allegations. Chris Davis had a handful of at-bats last year but has been nowhere to be found since. And honestly, it’s very typical of us to mark out for such ordinary and crestfallen ball players. That just kind of seems like our calling card. I woke up this morning to some disappointing news:

Chris Davis has retired.

My stomach dropped. I knew it was bound to happen, but I was holding out hope for a comeback. Because after all, Rachel and I had our comeback, it’s only fair that Crush Davis does as well. But I guess some people can’t be that lucky. At least he’s filthy rich.

You would think that today would be a dark day for our relationship, but that’s not the case. The funny thing about comeback stories is that sometimes they don’t end and the person just keeps succeeding. I’m not at liberty to say much else, but today was actually one of the best days of Rachel’s (and my) life. I’m immensely proud of her, even though she still hasn’t noticed the 19 I hid in the apartment.

– TeeCoZee