Day 327: Stupid Storyline Ideas – Lilly [Wrasslin’ For Lunch]

Since its inception, the demonic transformation of Alexa Bliss has been a polarizing one. The people that love it, love it, because it’s quirky and somewhat original. The people that hate it, hate it, because hocus pocus bullshit doesn’t belong in modern wrestling. And then there’s also a small sub-sector of incels that blame her for Bray Wyatt’s firing, claiming that she stole his character from under his feet (this is most definitely not the case). Although Alexa and her possessed doll, Lilly, have been given prominent airtime over the past 8 months, the writers are still confused about whether she’s face or heel.

On one hand, she primarily pits herself against heels. She has been using Lilly to torment the likes of Shayna Baszler, Eva Marie and, uhh, Doudrop. But on the other hand, she wins matches by no-selling, hypnotizing opponents and most recently, with the help of Lilly. I don’t care if you’re John Fucking Cena, that’s some heel shit. Having the doll wink at Doudrop for the distraction pin proved not only that the WWE is willing to have Lilly come to life in front of a live crowd, but also that Alexa is a bonafide heel. She just needs an actual face on her level to feud with.

Enter Shotzi Blackheart. She’ll get drafted to Raw with Alexa just in time for the Halloween season. As the resident horror movie nerd of the WWE, she’d be a perfect fit and they could really put themselves over. This actually isn’t a stupid idea. I think they could work really well together and actually tie their personalities together to build a story worth giving a shit about.

So where does Lilly tie into all of this? Well, I wish you didn’t ask.

In order to even the playing field, Shotzi is going to need a manager of her own. Someone with experience and similar characteristics as Lilly. Well, it looks like Charles Lee Ray is currently a free agent. Moreso, he has a new show on ScyFy that’s been getting promoted up the ass on USA. If there’s anything that Vince loves more than vascular man meat, it’s cross-promotions. That’s why everybody backstage at NXT last night was drinking Sonic slushes.

It should be noted at this point that yes, I am still afraid of Chucky. It’s something that has followed me my entire life and it doesn’t ever want to go way. No matter how many times I think I’m over it, I still turn pale the instant I see his face. Watching Raw and NXT lately has been a chore, as every time I forget to hit fast forward right at the beginning of a commercial break, he shows up. You can read more about this trauma here, in an article I wrote back in 2013. Oh wait, the website doesn’t exist anymore. So much for being a “published writer”. But there’s still a picture of Chucky when you google my name. Fantastic.

As some may recall, Charles Lee Ray had a short stint in WCW back in ‘98. It was heralded as one of the worst celebrity appearances in wrestling history. It was also one of the worst moments in my life, as somehow my dad knew it was going to happen (despite the face that this was before the Internet and he had never watched wrestling before) and made sure to watch it in front of me. This was before I watched wrestling and as soon as I heard his cackle, I left the room proclaiming that “wrestling is dumb”. I will never been more wrong or right for the rest of my life. This could be a wonderful redemption story for Charles. In a year where the WWE has shat on a multitude of talent, they need to do at least one good deed, right?

It’ll start during an innocuous episode of Raw. Alexa and Lilly will be using their powers to squash Tegan Nox while the crowd goes mild. Suddenly, Shotzi’s music will hit and she’ll come rolling down in her tank with Charles straddling the front (much akin to Rocco, Paul Ellring’s ventriloquist dummy). A rivalry ensues. They have 16 matches together because Raw, with each one having Lilly and Charles facing off each other from their respective posts.

This culminates at the Extreme Rules PPV, where they have a match to decide who will host Halloween Havoc the following week. At one point, the lights will go out, and Charles will be moved to the same ring post as Lilly, as they sit face-to-face. Alexa will get Irish whipped into the corner and both dolls will tumble to the ground. A cinematic starts where they both come to life and the real match begins. It’s clear from the start that Lilly is no match. She tries a cheap shot, but Charles will reverse it and give her a Canadian destroyer. Meanwhile, Bray Wyatt will tweet, “Do you miss me?”. Charles will reach under the ring and find his signature butcher knife and shred Lilly to…umm…shreds. Distracted by the death of her doll, Alexa will rolled up for the pin.

Shotzi and Charles will host Halloween Havoc, while I sit on the couch petrified in fear. He makes perverted comments about Dakota Kai and kills LA Knight. So LA Knight is dead, now. After a brief reign as 24/7 champion, Charles will disappear from TV, leaving Shotzi with nothing to do. So she’ll feud with Alexa over and over and over until they both get released.

Charles will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2026.

Lilly will come back after Wrestlemania and join Hit Row.

– TeeCoZee