Day 325: At Least I Didn’t Wake You Up [Beer League Roundup Week 17]
Whazzup League Beerers? Last week reminded me of a time where I got entirely too drunk. It was a Saturday night, I was feeling alright and I was excited about a long day of football that awaited me. So I barged into my roommates bedroom while he was sleeping and shouted “Week 17” over and over. In my defense, the dude never slept, so obviously I expected him to be awake. Also, Week 17 is a beautiful thing. There’s a certain sense of resolve that comes from it, even if it isn’t the final week. It just looks good on paper. And while nobody was awakened to my manic drunken excitement this year, there was a shakeup in the standings. As I expected, PK catapulted himself into the playoff picture, bowling down others along the way. His path of destruction goes to show that anything can happen in the Beer League, so let’s jump the fuck in!
House of Brews didn’t lose to Cheese Whiz, he boozed his way to a 6-4 ruse
This was, for all intents and purposes, a matchup. Nobody did particularly well, nor did they do particularly bad. They just existed and fought one another until the clock stopped. Paul’s A-Squad started with the letter A. Abreu and Alvarez brought their A game and hit for high averages. Adbert Alzolay also did acceptable, but he was benched. Bad job, Paul. You get a B, for Bench.
For Amanda, it all boiled down to two fatal mistakes. She benched Luis Castillo, whose stats would have singlehandedly given her the win. Along with the newly resurrected Eloy Jimenez, his 2 homer performance last night would’ve pushed her lead further. With those two guys starting, a 6-4 loss would’ve turned into an 8-4 win. And then she’d be sitting in 5th instead of 8th. It’s the butterfly effect, holmes. Something something hindsight something.
RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure protected her lead against The Souvenir Cups, 9-4
Can closers stop pooping the bed? K, thanks. I get that the south side of Chicago sucks, but that’s no excuse for Craig Kimbrel to implode. Maybe the pizza just sucks that bad over there. I’ve never seen the south side on a sunny day. Or maybe he just detests Tony La Russa, you know, like we all do. Meanwhile, a little further south, Giovanny Gallegos is also going through it. On Wednesday, he collected the BS with 3 runs over 0.2 innings. The next day, he went back out there to turn it all around. And what happened? A blown save with 3 runs over 0.2 innings. Time is a flat circle and it caused a huge bump in Rachel’s ERA.
Also, holy shit, it finally happened! For the first time since Week 8, Kelsey got a save! Rejoice! We landed on the moon! USA! USA! USA! Trophies for everybody! This is not at all a knock, she’s been trying to pick up dudes for saves but they’ve all either didn’t get opportunities or had their arms fall off or both. Chris Martin, you sonofagun, I salute you and your rifle father!
Batting Cages beat the shit out of a dude for trying to dance with Laura Dern and then got a speed metal band to play an Elvis cover, also beat Dollar Dogs, 9-4
After a rough patch, Bryan came back with a ridiculous vengeance. A .344 batting average?!? That’s just fucking disgusting. That seems unnecessary. But when Starling Marte goes 12 for 24 with 3 stolen bases, good things are gonna happen for his fantasy owners. But also, LOOKIT CJ MOTHERFUCKING CRONNNNNNNN
HOW?!? WHAT?!? ARE YOU KIDDING?!? HOW ARE THE ROCKIES IN LAST PLACE WHEN HE’S OUT THERE STUDDING UP THE JOINT?!? HE SCORED ONE LESS RBI THIS WEEK THAN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK METS. I CANT STOP WRITING IN CAPS, CJ CRON IS JUST TOO DAMN GOOD FOR LOWER CASE LETTERS. LOWER CASE LETTERS ARE BENEATH HIM. HOW IN THE HELL DID THIS DUDE NOT GET TRADED? THE ROCKIES HAVE A REALLY SHITTY FRONT OFFICE WOW. GREAT JOB.
Also, AJ Pollock is still pretty good. That’s what’s up.
BQE Gongshow turned into Rainbow Road in Connecticut and also won, 12-2
It was bound to happen eventually. PK had his opportunity to make a splash in the playoff pool and he opted for the cannonball. Everyone got wet and Colin was violently knocked out of the pool entirely. A great job on his part, who is becoming a shoo-in for Comeback Team of the Year. Now that he’s in the pool, the question is, can he swim? Only time will tell. Anyways, here’s “Buddy Holly”:
Anyway, Here’s Wonderwall came back at the last second to best GusPolinksi and his patented Hotdog Crown Chi, 9-4
I feel really fucking bad about this one. At 6:23 last night, I admitted defeat in a GG text to Colin. 10 minutes later, Cody Bellinger went yard to tie us up. And then I was faced with a conundrum: I could’ve benched Tim Anderson and took the tie or I could’ve let it ride knowing damn well that a hitless game would give Colin the win. I played him and he hit a leadoff Moonshot. I’ve done this before in the past and I’m still eating shit about it. History repeats itself, because I’m an asshole. My apologies to Mr Weber and his wonderful family. I don’t deserve to be your interim commissioner. But I will gladly keep the title until it’s ripped from my cold, dead hands.
Also, I’m a little freaked out about Max Fried and Blake Snell. My two highest drafted pitchers have been kinda shitty all season. This week, they both pitched 12 innings with a 0.75 ERA. This led to my 120 strikeouts, which is just entirely ridiculous. But enough ego stroking, I’m still a piece of shit. I’m just a piece of shit that gets a lot of strikeouts. I’m the Trevor Bauer of the Beer League. Ugh. I already regret typing that.
GEREALD’SR FRAUDS holds on to first place for one more week with a 8-6 win over US2 Onion Melters
Under immense pressure, Joe’s squad got it done again in a close week against Matt. This one kept them on the edges of their respective seats for the whole week, but in the end, Joe keeps his spot at the top of the mountain. His patience with George Springer is starting to pay dividends, as he mashed 3 taters to go with his 11 ribeye steaks. Also, Jesse Winker continued to be the best thing in Cincinnati besides the Chili and Joey Votto.
In speaking of Joey Votto, his week kept things interesting for Matt. On top of that Bruce Hooper is making a case for MVP, which just seems insane to say out loud. But what can I say? It’s been an insane season and unlike the NFL, it goes way past week 17. Or 18. I think there’s 18 weeks in football now.
Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Joe for streaming Brett Anderson, Logan Webb, Braxton Garrett and Daniel Lynch. None of them gave up multiple runs in what was almost a perfect streaming week for him.
The Drive To Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Amanda for the aforementioned benching. Feelsbadman. But lord knows she’s gonna fight tooth and nail to get her playoff spot back!
That’s all for this week. Don’t forget to chew your vitamins, set your lineups and if you have any Yankees, make sure to keep a free Covid slot handy!