Day 314: 500 Words About This Picture

It’s that time of the week again where people tell me to write about a random subject for a random length of time. This week, I didn’t even need to ask anybody for anything, it just came to me. Completely out of the blue, Zach sent me a picture and told me to write 500 words about it. I was told that a picture was worth a thousand words, so this must only be half a picture. And by the looks of it, he’s correct. Well done, Zach. Your picture is the appropriate size for the word count.

Why is the picture so blurry? I feel like Zach makes a good living for himself, he’s a home owner for crying out loud. He should be able to afford more H-es for his D. Also, the guy’s face looks quite mutilated. He kind of reminds me of Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now, but upon further inspection, Marlon Brando’s face is totally normal in that movie. It just appears to be that way on the poster, in which I think he’s sweating. The guy also really needs to iron his suit. It’s so goddamned wrinkled!This is a man on television. Why wouldn’t he consider these awful wardrobe decisions? Isn’t that somebody’s job? His wife is probably sitting at home, face buried in her face, wondering where everything went wrong. But then again, I don’t see a ring on his finger. So he probably has an ex-wife, sitting at home, thanking the lord that she dumped that wrinkled suit wearing loser.

Moving along, the man is definitely being attacked by the letter D. It’s on the verge of poking his eye out. I can’t tell if he’s concerned about it or if he’s just going to let it happen. He might’ve been running from the D for a long time, but its attack is inevitable. Perhaps this is the moment where he gave up. Tired, disheveled, wearing a cheap wrinkled suit, tan line on his ring finger, he submits to the power of the D. Soon, it will go straight into his eyeball, make its way into his brain and slowly take over. He will be known as D Man, not to be confused with The Man or Dee Man. Those are completely different dudes. As a kid, I had an irrational fear of being chased by letters. No joke, I would constantly have nightmares about it. I’m not going to tell you which letters they are, as they still haunt me to this day, but I feel this guys pain. Being chased by letters is really scary. In speaking of letters, the B in the bottom right hand corner signifies that it is a channel owned by Bally Total Fitness. So perhaps running from letters is one of the new special immersive exercises that they’re trying out.

But where was this picture even taken? The TV is seemingly nailed to the wall, but is that the floor on the bottom of the frame or a really large and crappy entertainment center? What’s up with the bent metal trimming that seemingly goes in several different directions? This doesn’t look like Zach’s house. In fact, I think he has a much nicer TV than that. Is Zach in danger? Is he being held captive somewhere, forced to watch blurry TVs of men in wrinkled suits? IS HE BEING CHASED BY A LETTER?!? Zach, if you can read this, just let me know you’re okay! I don’t know what I wo– oh, shit! The Tigers won a football game! That’s what’s up!