Day 311: At Least We Can Finally Move On [Beer League Roundup Week 15]

Whaddup, Beer Leaguers? What feels like 2 months was actually only 2 weeks. What was 2 weeks was actually only 10 days. And what was 10 days was actually 1 week in the Beer League, because we survived the dreaded extended All-Star week! You forget baseball exists, you run out of roster moves and your stats look like you did well when you might have actually not! Our stats were so juiced, you would think it was 1998 all over again. And yet, 6 teams still somehow lost! So let’s get the fuck in!

BQE Gongshow bloomed US2 Onion Melter, 10-4

We should all be sweating PK right now. Removed from the bright lights and big citay, he’s more focused than ever. If he slides into a wild card spot, he’s going to do irreparable damage. His numbers stacked up with the rest of the league and his batting average was impeccable. I started typing out all of his batters that hit over .300, but there was too many. He only had 5 batters hit below it. This wasn’t just a decisive win for PK, it was a complete decimation. None of his winning stats were even close. The dude is just playing on a different level right now. And this wasn’t a matter of Matt shooting himself in the foot. He actually performed quite well, considering. He led the league in stolen bases, which can all be attributed to his speedster…BRUCE HOOPER?!? What the fuck?!? I guess this is part of his transformation. He didn’t hit any out, only got one RBI, but he walked 8 times and stole 5 bags. No shit. Bruce Hooper, small ball player.

Batting Cages exacted revenge for his truffle pig, slaughtering House of Brews in the process, 13-1

After all these years, I finally get why Bryan calls his team Batting Cages. It’s a Nick Cage pun. Dear God, I’m slow. Wow. Anyways, don’t let the score fool you. This one was mad close. Paul had a lot of stats on the bench that would’ve pushed him over the top. He still would’ve lost, 9-5, but that would’ve been a lot more stomachable. What’s fascinating is that Bryan got the blowout win, but didn’t lead the league in any stat. I guess Fantasy Baseball is 80% skill and 30% luck in scheduling. What’s even more fascinating is that Bryan won in ERA, but only had one pitcher with an ERA under 3.27.

GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi sold the Souvenir Cups at a high margin, 9-3

I’ll preface this by saying that Colin won the matchup. His pitching is a lot more stable than Rachel’s, despite his questionable streaming choices. His boys found their way home, as Tommy Pham led the charge with 12 runs. He walked a whole lot more, Gleyber Torres swiped 4 bags, Colin put his nose to the grindstone and got himself the crucial win to cement his 6th place spot. But dear god, Rachel’s guys went yard. She racked up a league-obliterating 29 piss missiles and 79 ribeyes. And that was on a week where Joey Gallo and Adam Frazier did next to nothing. Chris Taylor has become an unstoppable force, knocking in 6 homers. Unfortunately, most of them were solo shots, but Will Smith was later in the batting order, so he brought in 14 steaks to the dinner table. Every 5 minutes, Rachel was getting a home run notification. If this were a home run derby league, she’d have the Tap on her mantle as we speak. But alas, this is baseball [kind of] and her heroic feats only earned her 3 points. And so it goes.

Dollar Dogs got 11 free points out of the Connecticut Rainbows, winning 11-2

Kaitlyn actually had a good week. She fought hard for those free points. Mitch Haniger proved to the world that he shouldn’t be considered under or overrated. Brandon Woodruff also had himself a week, striking out 17 chumps over 12 innings. And even though Aaron Judge caught Covid, she still slugged in 19 home runs. She could’ve held her own against the rest of the league, which means that she wasted an easy week against the Rainbows. Anyways, here’s “Da Da Da”:

Anyway, Here’s Wanderwall bombed the open mic and in an act of desperation and depression, downed a plate of fries with Cheese Whiz, winning 10-4

This was simply really bad scheduling luck for Amanda. She was in the top 5 for most stats. She could have easily beaten anyone else in the league. Her IP and K’s were in the triple digits. She forced 14 double plays, which I didn’t even think was physically and statistically possible, especially considering that she had the 5th best WHIP in the league. Her 10 stolen bases even tied Matt. Luis Castillo had the nicest ERA of 0.69 after 13 innings. She had 9 goddamn wins! This was a good team doing great things. But she had the misfortune of playing against me.

I’m trying my best to be humble, but for fucks sake, lookit my pitching line! 144 strikeouts in 131.1 IP?!? And that’s with only 4 streamers! There was 7 pitchers with double digit strikeouts and 7 pitchers with double digit IP. My dudes went long and my dudes went hard. And my other dudes went long yard when they hit hard. Juan Soto reversed the home run derby curse by almost batting .400, sinking 6 dingers with 13 RBIs. Everybody had a spectacular week. Hell, even that bum Cody Bellinger hit above .100! And then he hurt his hamstring! Good for him! Amanda chased me to the very end, but my team just kept running. The end result was a blowout win and a whole lot of juicy stats for the both of us.

RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure did the goddamn deed, also beat GERALD’S® FRAUDS 8-6

It’s been over a month since Joe has won a matchup. He can feel the summer malaise set in as his batters swing wildly at nothing and his pitchers grimace in pain. His lead had whittled down to 2.5 points, as Bryan and myself wait in the wings, knives and forks in our hands, bibs around our necks, ready to eat some motherfucking dinner. Kelsey did a bang-up job playing spoiler. Her 3.49 ERA was not to be flexed with and Jorge Soler made himself marketable with 4 home runs. Mookie Betts went on a mini-tear before landing on the IL. Hell, even Lucas Giolito had not just one, but TWO good outings! This was a sparkling clean win against the 1st place Frauds, whose name gets more and more true as the weeks go on…

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Joe, for streaming Patrick Sandoval. He took a no-hitter into the 9th and made me tune into a Twins game while on the train. Now THAT’S a fucking accomplishment!

The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Colin, for streaming Mike Foltynewicz. Even though it seems like the lazy choice and his 54.00 ERA didn’t hurt him in the long run, there really wasn’t any better candidates out there. So he gets the award, but I wouldn’t exactly say he deserves it.

That’s all for this week. Make sure you take your vitamins, set your lineups, and if you’re tempted to pick up Gary Sanchez, please know that he’s extremely underwhelming and just not that good. The brand name recognition only gets you so far.

– TeeCoZee