Day 304: Control
I need to take control.
Or at least that’s what I was told.
Because doing so might be beneficial
In taking care of whatever’s going on.
I would say my greatest fear is losing all control.
Not being able to think for myself.
Being a slave to random synapses in my head
Or God forbid, somebody else.
I feel like “Control” is a forgettable song.
Like I can kind of play it in my head
But instead of Janet Jackson singing it
It’s always Chris Tucker.
The panic comes when I lose control.
Or maybe I lose control when the panic comes.
They are intertwined together
And the only way out is taking control.
There are several ways to take control
Of a panicky situation.
I try my best to do them
But failing makes things worse.
There are things at work that I’m not in control of.
Like the volume and repetitiveness of the self-scans
Or the broken radio that plays the same 50 songs.
And it seems like I can’t even control how much they bother me.
Sometimes I forget to take control
And I swing wildly at bullshit.
But then XxBillabongZilla42OxX throws a meatball down the middle
And I blast that piss missile into deep right.
It feels good to actually take control.
To get my breathing just right.
To wave someone over to the counter when they look confused.
To know I can go a couple of days without drinking, but I don’t have to.
Taking control can sometimes be difficult
When my head feels heavy and my world keeps spinning.
But I have to keep reminding myself
That a day will come that I’ll feel better.
I took control on my drive last night.
I wanted to roll down my window and feel the breeze on my arm.
Even though I always rely on AC, I did it anyways.
Smile on my face as I was yelling it off
Banging the door to the beat of Neil Diamond.
I felt so infinite and inspired
That I decided to make this a double stanza.
That’s the power of control.
I told myself that I would take control
And make sure that I have myself a good day.
I did what I wanted, when I wanted.
And it’s made all the difference.
I took control on my sandwich.
As it sat on a plate
Too gargantuan to wrap my mouth around.
So I used a knife and fork.
I took control of my bevs
And decided to have a coffee after an afternoon beer.
Even though I never let myself drink caffeine this late
I wanted to take control of my mindset.
I took control of my toes
And had them painted blue solely because I wanted to see them blue.
I flaunted them proudly down the street
Bragging to the world that I’m a man who took control.
There’s still some things I wish I could control.
Like the weather
Or my job or the busted-ass train schedule.
But I should at least be grateful for the things I can control.
And I pondered what else I could control
As I admired my toes, watching the sunset.
I can’t control the weather or the trains
But I could at least quit my job.
I probably won’t.
But I could.
I could do it tomorrow, next week, next month, next year
Whenever the time suits me.
I was told that I need to take control
And doing so is my first step to healing.
And for now, I can find little ways to do so
Until the day comes that I place a bet on myself.