Day 297: At Least They Get Some Time Off [Beer League Roundup Week 14]

What’s up, dudes and dudettes? We finally made it to the All-Star Break! Rejoice! This means that for the next 4 days, we are free from the shackles of setting our lineups and wondering whether or not Drew Smyly is a good stream. While some of our players are living it up in the Mile High Citay, others are sitting at home trying to figure out how they can make our fantasy team better. Also, a quick reminder, this upcoming week is actually two weeks long. So now we have to stretch 7 roster moves over 14 days. Big oof. And while we get a break from setting lineups, I get a break next week from writing the roundup! Finally, I get an opportunity to spend Monday writing about something that truly matters. Eh, who am I kidding? I’ll probably write about bevs or sandos or something.

While the MLB may be at it’s halfway point, we are well past the halfway mark of the Beer League season. We just have 9 regular season weeks left before the playoffs start. And from the looks of it, it’s going to be a fucking ride. Right now, we have 5 teams scratching and clawing for 2 spots in the playoffs. There’s only 11.5 points separating 9th and 5th place. And suddenly, we have a dogfight for the top spot, as the walls are slowly closing in on Zook. A lot of things got shook up last week. Let’s round it all up!

BQE Gongshow had standstill traffic right before the Kosciuszko Bridge, causing RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure to be late and lose, 10-4

This was a battle of averages. Out of the 24 players on both teams, only one guy hit below the Mendoza Line. That’s a feat that I feel like is never seen, especially this season where seemingly everyone is hitting .228. And this matchup was actually a nail-biter, despite the lopsided final score and their position in the standings. Kelsey was a double play, a few bloops and a blast away from tying it up. And batting-wise, they put up stats that could compete with the rest of them.

For Kelsey, Mookie Betts finally woke up. After being wrongfully selected to the All-Star team, he realized that he needed to actually start trying, so he did that. I’m not going to lie, it seems like the shame has propelled him to actually do better. Since realizing that he’s been living a lie, he’s knocked in 3 dingers while slashing .346/1.126. Maybe the man should feel shame more often! Pk’s big, bright, shining stars were his pitching staff. He straight-up only had one bad outing and the rest of the guys got the job done. Individually, none of his pitchers are the envy of other team owners, but his 2.99 ERA is. And this lopsided win has kept his ass alive in the playoff hunt.

Dollar Dogs fried up US2 Onion Melter and used it for toppings, also won 11-2

Well, this was just an old-fashioned curb stomping. Kaitlyn only had 3 batters go without a home run and had 3 pitchers toss double-digit strikeouts. This was all literally bad luck on Matt’s end, because Kaitlyn could’ve kicked any of our sorry asses. And once again, I have to give her props for believing in AJ Pollock. The man has been a goddamn revelation last weekend. He mashed 4 solo shots while slashing .391/1.505. That was the third time this season I’ve checked to see if AJ was a free agent and realized that Kaitlyn was keeping the faith. Good for her. I really don’t need any more Dodgers on my team. Unless they wanna keep scoring 22 runs in a game. That would be cool.

But it wasn’t all storm clouds for Matt. Bruce Hooper and Fuckface Cheaty Magoo both had a decent week. I saw his homeboys, Luis Urias and Jace Peterson, go yard in person [actually, Urias went yard twice. Fuck, that was a long day]. Alex Cobb, Wade Miley and Wily Peralta are all still pitching like it’s 2014. Like I said, Matt did pretty decent. He just had the bad luck of the draw.

The Souvenir Cups not only overcharged Cheese Whiz for a soda, she also added way too much ice and defeated her, 8-5

There were several situations last week where Chris Taylor had the bases loaded. Each time, I called a grand slam. Each time, I was wrong, but he still got an RBI. Despite being slammer-less, he still batted .391 and has an impressive collection of Pogs. But the real star of the Souvenir Cups was Joey Motherfucking Gallo, Esq. The longshot machine mashed 4 into the stands while slashing an astronomical .417/2.028. Stats like that rocketed Rachel to the moon for an easy upset. She may still be slumming it in 9th place, but she’s so fucking close to the playoff bubble that she can taste it. She’s watching from the outside, seeing you bubble people enjoying life, ready to bust in and attack. And if Adam Frazier continues to have a second half like he had in the first, hoo boy, look out. She coming.

On the Amanda side of things, Freddie Freeman suddenly has the weight of the world on his shoulders. With the Face of Southern Baseball out for the season, it’s now his duty to right the ship and carry the Braves to the Island of Relevancy. Judging from his performance last week, that might be a doable task for him. And until the rest of her team gets their groove back, Ol’ Freddie is gonna have to do the same for Cheese Whiz. She’s surely due for an angry win this week, which should be easy as she faces…[checks notes]…me?!? Ah, crap!

House of Brews held on to defeat the Connecticut Rainbows, 8-5

There was a brief moment in time where it seemed like it was going to happen. I didn’t want to speak it into existence, but I watched the stats climb quietly. Dave’s autodraft team was two runs and a win away from a tie. If he would’ve just made a couple of bench moves, he would’ve gotten those runs. But searching for an extra win could’ve potentially ruined his extra crispy 1.93 ERA. But regardless, the Rainbows did something this week that they haven’t done yet. They made me believe. Anyways, here’s Dancing On The Ceiling:

Anyway, Here’s Wanderwall crashed Batting Cage’s party with his acoustic guitar and Sublime covers, also upsetting him 10-3

In what became the battle for 2nd place, I somehow hung onto the blowout lead to claim the runner-up throne. And I feel like I did so in very appropriate fashion. My .297 batting average, 100 IP and 98 strikeouts blew away everyone else in the league. I try my hardest to not be cocky these days, but goddamnit, I had a really good week. Both versions of Ohtani dominated, Tony Gonsolin is finally starting to churn out innings and Tim Anderson is doing too damn good to take Wander Franco off the bench. I know that Wander is my namesake, but when your other shortstop is batting .455 and your utility players and unbench-able DH’s, you have to make some sacrifices.

I may be totally awesome, but Bryan gave me something to fight for. His 84 strikeouts would’ve beaten anybody else and his 7 stolen bases were just ludicrous. Starling Marte only made it on base 4 times last week. And he also stole 4 bases. That’s some Billy Hamilton shit right there. If only there was a player that was good at stealing AND getting on base. But that’s just silly to even consider. This tough loss made Bryan slide from 2nd to 4th. And this week won’t be any easier as he faces Paul, who is Paul.

GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi gave a Chicago Style beating to GERALD’S® FRAUDS, which is a regular beating but with a buttload of condiments, winning 11-2

For those unaware, Ronald Acuña Jr suffered a severely torn ACL on Saturday. The footage is so brutal, I won’t even show it. The camera stayed on him as he sat on the ground and cried and honestly, it even made me a little choked up. In that single, horrible moment, Joe lost his first round draft pick and disputably best player. He now has 5 players on the IL and 2 more went on it that he promptly dropped. But even when his whole world was falling apart, Joe still mashed 11 taters. A lot of his guys are still clicking, they’re just in a collective slump.

But we can’t discount the fact that Colin kicked a lot of ass. Brandon Lowe went yard 5 times and Brandon Crawford somehow batted .542. It was a good week for Brandon’s and their teams. Just like Rachel, Colin has spent most of the season watching the people in the bubble and planning his attack. It may feel nice to be sitting in the top 6, but there are 3 teams sitting in a tree right outside, dangerous and hungry as fuck. So you might as well eat all the Paté before they do so.

Joe is quickly losing his grip on the top spot. Whether it’s going to be me, Bryan or Paul that de-thrones him is up to fate. There’s a lot of moving parts. We’re going into the All-Star break with the standings tighter than ever. If you can’t feel the heat, get out of the air conditioning. Once again, thank you so much for making this league more fun than ever!

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Matt for double-streaming Wily Peralta. In 12 innings of work, he only gave up 1 run, while striking out 8. Not bad for a guy that we all forgot existed!

The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Joe. He streamed Jake Arrieta, who only got through 5 outs before going down with a hamstring injury. Also, he picked up Ty France, who had a respectable week, but didn’t even use him. Just unfortunate decisions, all-around.

That’s all for now. Remember to take your vitamins, go to set your lineups only to realize that there’s no baseball and just generally enjoy your break away from baseball. See you in two weeks!

– TeeCoZee