Day 294: I’d Rather Not Be Married To Norm Macdonald [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. That’s odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor. And it smells funny in there. It’s Friday, July 9th, 202One. The weather in Queens is 81˚ & Pantone 19-4052 & somewhere, somebody is totally lost. Were they supposed to go left or right? How far are they supposed to backtrack? Should they ask for help? Or just try to find the nearest clearing? They see someone that looks like he knows what he’s doing, but they stop short of approaching him. What would they even ask? Where are they even supposed to go? Little do they know, there’s arrows on the ground pointing them in the right direction. And me? I actually enjoy getting lost in Ikea. It makes me feel like a kid again. I also have some things on my mind…

– There are two things you must know about my writing process:

  1. I always have wordpress open on the left side of the screen and wrestling playing on the right side.
  2. Whenever I start writing, Rachel becomes the most talkative person in the world.

Today, those two facts meshed together. I was watching Halloween Havoc ’96 and [I believe] Dusty Rhodes said, “…that’s just the way it is”. This was Rachel’s response:

Things will never be the same. You hear that? That was a joke. Get it? I’m funny. Because I made a funny joke. Did you get the joke? The joke I just said? It was funny. Because I’m funny. Did you hear the funny joke I said? I told a funny joke out of my mouth. That’s what makes it so funny, because I said it out of my mouth. I could tell jokes other way, but I chose to do it with my mouth. Because I’m so funny.

I heard the joke. That’s a very good Norm Macdonald impression.

I don’t know what that means.


– I was standing in line with a bunch of young people this week. Like, “fresh off the NYU Boat” young. It had been a while since I saw them in their natural habitat and not buying groceries, so I was intrigued. They all seemed to be very excited to be alive, which I found disorienting. They all seemed totally fine with standing in a line in the rain. In fact, they were happy to be there. They hugged their friends and gabbed loudly. It makes me wonder if I was ever like that. That answer is probably. I was a very excitable 21 year old. I tried to decipher some of their conversation, but they all talked so quickly and used inside terms that I didn’t understand. But I did catch one snippet of dialogue:

But I haven’t seen Paddington One

You don’t have to

I’m genuinely starting to wonder if Paddington 2 is no longer a meme and is actually regarded as a good movie. Or if that logic was true a couple of years ago and now it’s a meme again. What could possibly be so good about Paddington 2 that it totally negates the first film? Does he surf down the stairs in a bathtub? Does he become the bathtub? I want answers. But I wasn’t going to ask a group of kids with fake IDs.

– A guy came into the store yesterday to buy beer. Ashamed that he didn’t have a mask, he pulled his shirt over his head and face. When he came up to the front, I told him he didn’t need to Cornholio himself. He laughed and pulled his shirt back down. He offered his ID, but I said, “You got the Beavis & Butthead reference. You’re old enough”.

– A different, older and more European guy came into the store this week and bought some organic salmon. As I scanned it, he stopped me.

Wait, this must be wrong. It says that it’s organic but also farm raised? Doesn’t that contradict itself?

I’ve been waiting years for someone to ask me that.

If you pick or catch something in the wild, how can you consider it organic? You don’t know where it’s been.

His jaw dropped. I had officially blown his mind. In the food industry, there are so many buzzwords that we just equate as “ideal”. Your meat might be antibiotic-free, but it’s now more susceptible to bacteria. If your lettuce has been grown without pesticides, don’t freak out when you find a bug in it. Bananas are essentially made in a lab. If your food is free of preservatives, it will god bad quickly. And if you want organic seafood, they need to be farmed and monitored in order to be considered thus. It’s something that I think about way too often and I was overjoyed that someone finally questioned it.

– I was very bothered the other day when I walked by the salmon case. Somebody had left a container of Sashimi there. Which means that somebody had the intention to eat Sashimi, then saw the raw salmon and realized that it was a much better bargain. It’s just raw fish. He doesn’t need soy sauce or wasabi. He’s an adult, he can cut it himself. Sadly, the guy thinks he discovered some kind of life hack and frankly, I wish him well.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Buy the cheapest steak you can find at the grocery store. Take it home and cut it into a tiny circle. Voila! Filet Mignon!

Have a thrifty weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee