Day 290: At Least Alcides Escobar Is Back [Beer League Roundup Week 13]

What’s up Bear Leeguers? Remember Alcides Escobar? He’s back and not even in Pog form! The former all-star, gold glover and certified Boy hasn’t seen a major league at-bat since 2018, back when life was much simpler. After hitting .273 for the Tokyo Yakult Swallows last season, the Washington Nationals took notice and decided to give him a shot. Today, he went 3 for 4 with a double against the Dodger’s bullpen. Does this mean you should pick him up? Fuck no. He’s Alcides Escobar, the guy hasn’t been relevant since the Obama administration. But it goes to show that in baseball, anything can happen. Well, not “anything”, but a whole lot of things could happen. And we all have a little bit of Alcides Escobar in us, as we scratch and claw for more desirable positioning going into July. Also, we just really knows what it feels like to lose. Which some of us did this week. Let’s round it up!

Dollar Dogs didn’t need protection from RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure, winning 9-5

While there were no standout stars, Kaitlyn’s squad played like a team. There was no fuckboys prancing around, hogging the spotlight, hitting all the dongers, demanding all the money. Nope. Her boys put their heads down and did the goddamn work. They didn’t do too much. They knew the assignment and got the job done. It was a cut-and-dry, pound-for-pound, steak-and-potatoes win for the Dollar Dogs. There’s really not much more to say. While Kelsey’s current slump may be disheartening, there was still some bright spots on her team. German Marquez continues to dazzle, as he pitched 15 innings of 2 run ball at motherfucking Coors. Nathan Eovaldi also rightfully earned his spot on the AL All-Star team as he hurled 7 run-less innings in a romp of the Royals. Her pitching staff is still aces and the bats could start clicking any day now.

GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi boiled BQE Bongshow, 8-6

In The Battle Of The Bubble Teams, it was Colin that ultimately reigned supreme. While Sunday morning, it was too close to call, Colin had a rally to lower his ERA and increase his batting average to edge out the win. He did good in trusting James Kaprielian and Adam Duvall, two dudes that may have double-handedly gave him a late victory. But the offense was just disgustingly good on both sides of this matchup. Manny Machado continues to pretend that he’s still playing against the Dodgers and Cedric Mullins is still determined to get revenge on everyone that has ever made fun of his name. PKs hitters were on point last week, it’s just a shame that he could squeeze out some slightly better pitching stats and the script would’ve been flipped. I would’ve literally wrote the same thing, but backwards. Implosions from Andrew Heaney, Dallas Keuchel and Mark Melancon were problematic and predictable. Just like the allegations against Trevor Bauer.

Colin, I love you bro, but your team is a bunch of degenerates. You’re now harboring Puig and Bauer, both on the NA list due to sexual assault allegations. It’s not a great look, but if you insist on playing villain, it looks like Marcel Ozuna and Roberto Osuna are still free agents. I’m sure Matt would trade you for Domingo Germàn. You could be well on your way of building the most despicable fantasy baseball team of all time! I can even add some NA slots for you, so you can hold them in your own digital prison. You can be the Alcatraz Boiled Spamburger Crown Phx or something.

US2 Onion Melter shanghai’ed House of Brews and got the 7-5 upset

After keeping it nail-bitingly close last week, I knew that Matt’s team would be one to watch out for. And that remains to be true as he handily took care of Paul’s perennial 3rd place squad. He definitely had some great highlights: Christian Yelich walked 9 times and reached home plate…9 times. His blind faith in Alex Cobb paid off with a wonderful performance. Alek Manoah has been a revelation, striking out 10 in yet another gem. Johnathan Schoop slashed .417/1.032 with 8 ribeyes. It was just an all-around feel good week for a team that is seemingly on a big upswing.

For Paul, things just didn’t work out. Hardly any of his pitchers found their stuff, let alone the 7th inning. Ke’Bryan Hayes is slumping hard. Things just didn’t work out. But not all hope is lost. Jose Abreu is back in his MVP World Ender mode and also, it’s fucking Paul. His team is going to compete no matter what. He could autodraft a team and he’d still find a way to the playoffs. In speaking of autodraft…

Anyway Here’s Wanderwall squeezed 11 points out of the Connecticut Rainbows, besting his 3

Shohei Ohtani. Mother of fuck. He got 6 hits this week. They all left the yard. His slash line of .286/1.543 seems almost impossible. But then again, the man is kind of impossible. Even though he melted down at Yankee Stadium this week, he still hit 8 RBIs to best his 7 earned runs. He’s now the first ever player to take up two roster spots on the All-Star Team. Pablo Sandoval couldn’t even do that! Will his historic season have a happy ending? Probably not. I’m sure the Home Run Derby will fuck up his swing. Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

Batting Cages used his last token to secure a win against The Souvenir Cups, 7-6

This match had me on pins and needles. It made me do things that I feel awfully dirty about: watch an ESPN game and root for the Giants. I feel so dirty that I’m hallucinating a layer of dirt on my arms. It’s probably just freckles, but still, I feel gross. Rachel got oh so close to pulling off the upset tie. But getting 6 points off the 2nd place team is no easy task and she deserves all the praise she can get. Her guys murdered the baseball all fucking week. Pete Alonso and Joey Gallo each had 4 piss missiles, Dom Smith and Hunter Renfroe mashed 3. Hell, even Kyle Schwarber jacked 3 of them before going down with a hamstring injury [On a side note: moment of silence for Kyle Schwarber. His ridiculous sleeper season may have just come to an end and the baseball world feels a little more empty today]. With this close loss, Rachel remains in 9th place. But she’s edging closer and closer to the bubble. And with the way her team has been hitting, we should all be very afraid.

Hanging onto 2nd place for the 1000th week in a row, Bryan’s team was very business-as-usual. Marcus Semien and JD Martinez each knocked in 9 RBIs. Somehow, Robbie Ray struck out 16 batters in his two starts. Kenley Jansen notched 3 saves while somehow avoiding the All-Star Team. Which is fine, because if there’s anything that Kenley hates, it’s pitching when it’s not absolutely necessary. Pitchers are weird, man. While everything is sunshine and rainbows on paper, his separation from the bubble is dwindling. He’s now only 3 points ahead of me. And this week, he has an easy matchup, as he faces…[checks notes]…me?!? Buckle the fuck up. This one might get ugly.

Cheese Whiz tied the fuck out of GERALD’S® FRAUDS, 6-6

Well, well, well. You hear that? That’s the sound of Zook’s world collapsing. One by one, his princes are turning back into frogs. Vlad Jr is losing his footing in the home run race. Jesse Winker couldn’t get a hit all weekend. Alcides Eduardo Escobar had one good game and has been on Hug Watch ever since [which for a second, I thought was a multiple sclerosis thing but then I remembered that the trade deadline is looming]. Carlos Santana is slowly reverting back to being confused with the musician. Zook’s house of cards is seemingly falling. But that’s okay. He’s more of a dice man anyway. He also did a lot of 9th inning rallying to pad that score. Out of nowhere, he got two stolen bases on Sunday to tie the stat. The Nats kept Brad Hand in for a second inning of work, which allowed Zook to tie IP [At first glance, that didn’t seem right. But then I remembered that I lit up Brad Hand on MLB The Show last night, the real life version did fine].

But let’s give Amanda a round of applesauce. She squeaked out that tie even with 4 DTD players. She stormed the castle and laughed in Zook’s face. 3 of her boys batter over .400, totally compensating for Charlie Blackmon falling into a black hole, man. 10 of her pitchers averaged 1+ strikeouts per inning. She kicked ass, will continue to kick ass and we all appreciate her for it. This week, they get to feast on Fancy Hipster Hot Dogs and Jumbo Sodas.

It has just now come to my attention that 6 of the teams in this league are named after some sort of food or beverage. I guess it truly is the Beer League. Touché.

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to anyone that streamed a pitcher last week. There were too many good ones to pick a winner, they all generally did decent-ish. Spider tack be damned, these jobbers got the job done!

The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to me for streaming JC Mejia. His first scheduled start was rained out and then when he finally did pitch, he got his tits lit. Just a genuinely bad stream on my part.

And with that, I have made myself the Wall Street of the Beer League. I won both an Oscar and a Razzie. It’s easily done when the awards are rigged. That’s all for this week. Remember to take your chewables, set your lineups and if you see an injured star on the wire, don’t pick him up. One of your players will instantly hurt himself. That’s just how the universe works.

– TeeCoZee