Day 289: Because America [Top 5 Top 5 Sunday]

Oh snap, the 4th of July landed on a Sunday! That means I get to write a whole bunch of lists about America! Hell yes! I don’t even feel like saying anything else, let’s just get down to it!

5) Top 5 Worst States (That I’ve Been To)

5) Pennsylvania

4) Indiana

3) Montana

2) Ohio

1) Florida

I don’t think this list would surprise anyone. Not only if Florida the worst state, I also haven’t been to a lot of places. I’m sure Oklahoma is a shithole, but I can’t judge something I haven’t seen. Or maybe I can. You might also be surprised that I omitted New Jersey and Arizona from the list. What can I say? I’m a sucker for nostalgia and honestly, my time in Arizona was not bad at all. But those other 5 states can burn in hell.

4) Top 5 American Things

5) Coca-Cola

4) Pontiacs

3) Freedom

2) Baseball

1) My wife

Yes, it’s true. Rachel is American and since she’s the best person on planet Earth, she is the best American thing by default. Accept no substitutes.

3) Top 5 Songs With America In The Title

5) American Pie

4) North American Scum/american dream (tie)

3) America’s Most Blunted

2) Young Americans

1) America

And by America, I mean the Simon & Garfunkel joint. And it’s only number one because they give a shout-out to Saginaw. I am extremely biased. Also, I can’t decide which American LCD Soundsystem song is better. One makes me dance but the other makes me question my existence. Both are important.

2) Top 5 Worst Fireworks Watching Experiences

5) Hell’s Kitchen 2010: Standing behind a bunch of sweaty tourists, not being able to see anything

4) Mackinac Island 2007: It was too cloudy to see anything, so the sky just glowed muted colors. Also, Zach had a fight with his girlie and was all pissy

3) Belknap Hill 2008: On acid, not feeling great about it, asshole next to me playing “Lightning Crashes” on repeat

2) East Grand Rapids 2009: Really bad sinus infection, had to leave early because I couldn’t stop coughing. Had to be up at 4 AM the next day while my neighborhood exploded all night

1) Flatbush 2020: The fireworks started in May and didn’t end until August. All night, every night, until after the sun came up. I don’t even know if I’m ready to trust fireworks again.

And yet here I am, overly excited to watch fireworks tonight from the balcony. So I guess I already unpacked all the PTSD from last summer. We shall see…

1) Top 5 New Pictures In My Camera Roll






Not only does this list make me happy, it also highlights things that Dodgers did before they were accused of sexual assault. Although I don’t support those scumbags, I still have fond memories of them. Also, I still have a Puig tattoo, so I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life doubling down. What could be more American than that?!?

Have an America week, everyone!

– TeeCoZee