Day 279: 346 Words About Marmite

TGITH! I love me some Thursdays! Mainly because I can kick back, relax and make somebody else come up with a topic for me. This weeks entry was requested by an old and dear friend, Andy. He wanted me to write 346 words about Marmite. I kind of wonder if he himself has had Marmite or knows what it is. If he doesn’t, then he’s about to be immensely disappointed.

There’s a mystery substance that my store sells. I’ve been marveling at the jar for over 11 years now. It doesn’t sell well. The label is bland and nondescript. There’s always a fine layer of dust on it, price tag yellowing. But it never seems to expire. And when somebody is looking for it, it’s availability is the best news they have ever heard. Likewise, when we’re all out, they are devastated. Probably not because they were expecting me to carry it, but I’m a big enough of an asshole to assure them that I usually carry it and they were very unlucky.

Nobody can give me a straight answer on what it is.

“It’s like a spread”

“So it’s sweet?”

“Not really”

“But it spreads like a marmalade?”

“Kind of”

“Is it fruit based?”

“It’s…[looks at label] yeast based”

“But what is it?”


“So what do you eat Marmite with?”

“Thanks, byeeeee”

Every British person that pilfers it treats it as some big secret. Even after some brief googling, I still don’t know how or why people eat it. It’s allegedly kind of similar to Vegemite, which I know from a song, but not much else. For some reason, it’s banned in some countries because of the high yeast content. They claim that it could easily be used to make beer, but it’s not active yeast so therefore it’s not possible, but it’s still banned?

Does yeast even have a flavor? Isn’t it bread-like? So are people spreading it on bread so their bread can taste like bread? Or do they spread it on deli meat so it would taste like a deconstructed sandwich? I know that it’s at least used in sandwich form, as “The Guy From The Land Down Under” was made a Vegemite sandwich. But maybe that’s the joke, because the host had no idea what to do with Vegemite. Either way, that’s not Marmite.

So I’m forever stuck in a thought loop until I finally figure out how to eat it. But for now, it’ll stay lurking in my baking aisle.