Day 276: At Least Nobody Got Shut Out [Beer League Roundup Week 11]

Beagle Leerers. Hello. We just finished a week. The week is now over. The week featured some moderate excitement, as you can tell by my excited tone. It was very, very…exciting. We had not one, not two, not three, wait, no, we had three upsets. Two of those upsetted people are our resident Top Dawgs™. How did it affect the standings? It didn’t. What a twist. How very exciting it was. Now buckle up because we are going to go for a ride. This is exciting, isn’t it? I can hardly contain myself. Let’s round it up.

House of Brews ripped out BQE Bongshow’s spine, peed in his gas tank and turned him into the feds, also winning 9-5

This one could have easily been a tie, if only PK would’ve trusted Jake Cronenworth. He has no reason not to trust Jake Cronenworth, but he didn’t trust Jake Cronenworth so that’s how he lost. For what it’s worth, Jake Cronenworth would have been worth 2 points. But hindsight is worthless in fantasy baseball.

Weeks ago, when I told all of you to stay away from Patrick Corbin, Paul didn’t listen. He said, “Fuck you, Coze. I don’t even know you, but I’m sure you’re a jerk!” He picked up Corbin, knowing damn well that it was a mistake. And what happened? Who’s laughing now? This week, he pitched 14 innings and only forced one double play. See, Paul?!? I told you he was trash!

US2 Onion Melter took the crayon out of Homer’s nose, turned it sideways and shoved it straight up GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi’s candy nose, winning 7-5

Jonathan Schoop is quietly becoming the poster boy for consistency. He attributed to a third of Matt’s runs with 10, went yard thrice and probably tips well at restaurants. Just an all-around class act who has no business being on Matt’s team, among cheaters, wife beaters and Bruce Hooper. He just doesn’t fit. That said, props to Matt for having the wherewithal to strike him while he’s hot. We all thought he was a washed up jobber, but he’s ranked 6th overall in the past month. Matt’s been reaping the benefits for almost 3 of those weeks. Bully.

Colin kept the matchup interesting throughout the week, but it wasn’t his fault that all of his offense went into a slump. These things just happen. Regardless, he hangs on to the 8th place spot and is only 8.5 points out 6th. Considering that we’re not even at the All-Star Break, it’s still a decent place to be. Things could easily get shaken up and I’m sure Colin will take this tough loss in stride.

Tommy Lasoda is waiting for divorce papers from Team 2 Be Named L8er after edging out an 8-6 win

I cannot stress enough how fucking quick Rachel took a commanding lead in Home Runs and RBIs. She was at 7 and 24 by the end of Tuesday night. We went to the Mets game on Wednesday and I urged all of her players to do whatever the fuck they want because nothing matters. I don’t know how I made a comeback in the other stats and frankly I don’t want to know, in an effort to save my marriage. All’s I know is don’t let her 11th place position fool you: Rachel’s team is fucking dangerous and she’ll be more than happy to blindside you any chance she gets. Mainly because she loves winning, but also because she likes being the blindsider for a change.

RBI’d For Her Pleasure took a sledgehammer to the Connecticut Rainbow’s car and then realized that it wasn’t his car, but still won 10-4

Kelsey got the damn job done. A lot of people go into their Rainbow week expecting to shut them out and end up struggling to get the W. Kels went out guns ablazing, racking up as many free points as her arms can carry. However, she was one of two teams without a save last week. I guess some things are coming at a premium now. Anyways, here’s “The Sign”

Cheese Whiz called up Batting Cage’s work and pretended to be a different company that he interviewed for, distracting him long enough to win 10-4

Now THIS is the destruction we came to see! In a hotly contested bloodbath, Amanda further chipped away at the second place bubble. Freddie Freeman is back to doing Freddie Freeman things and we all love to see it, no matter how much we may hate the Barves. Whit Merrifield continues to be the only person in Kansas City that matters. Pound for pound, Amanda gave Bryan a proper beating and we should all clap our asses off for her.

That said, Bryan is still sitting comfy in his little 2nd place bubble. He’s noticing us trying to break it, but he just waves it off and continues drinking his Jolt Cola. He doesn’t need to worry. His team is damn good and he knows it. The only thing he has to worry about is how he’s going to leave the bubble to get more Jolt Cola…

Dollar Dogs has signed GERALD’S® FRAUDS up for several Lutheran newsletters and also defeated him 8-5

How the mighty have fallen. Such a shame. For those not aware, this is Zook’s first loss since last season, when he took many of them. His house of sleepers are turning out to be a house of cards and all of the cards are 9’s. You can’t build a house on 9 cards.

And Joe couldn’t have been felled by a more deserving opponent. After a heartbreaking 4 week skid, Kaitlyn showed the fuck up and got a much-needed moral and statistical victory. She got scoreless gems out of Kyle Hendricks, Joe Musgrove and Pablo Lopez. Everything’s coming up Kaitlyn and it couldn’t come at a better time. After defeating our collective unfeeling nemesis, she has a cushy road ahead. Her next 5 weeks will be easy wins, as she faces the bottom half of the standings.

But then again, as we have seen, there’s no such thing as an easy win. I know I’ve glowed about it before, but I can’t stress enough how awesome the Beer League has been this year. We’re almost to the All-Star break and everyone is still active and everyone still has a chance. It’s downright beautiful to wake up every morning and see a bunch of roster move notifications. I sometimes stay up late just to beat y’all to the wire. I know sometimes my critiques might be harsh, but rest assured, I’m just an asshole. I have nothing but respect for all your fantasy skills and I hope we all remain close to contention by the end of the season.

And now onto some bullshit. In his interview last week, Colin hinted towards an embezzlement scandal involving our former commissioner. As he always does, Zook had a statement:

We’re glad you asked. If the takedown rag you call a sports beat did some research once in a while, you’d know the Sun Eagle Record Herald Times, the choice paper of record and, like, way better than your paper, already cleared the FRAUDS of any wrongdoing. The GERALD’S® Charitable Organization, and its premier sporting franchise, GERALD’S® FRAUDS are entirely above board. The “fraud” that our franchise celebrates as part of its heritage was perpetrated against… another league… made up of all bad people. It was like a Robin Hood thing, we’re very into charity. We are also tax exempt.

All of this has our front office wondering about your tabloid’s intentions. What we see is a real Cinderella story of a recently bronze-ranked Original Six team with no league championships but a gigantic fanbase (best fans in the sport) who are breathing life and excitement into this game. Ratings are through the roof, all our boys are very good boys, and your hack job fish wrapper does nothing but shit on us every week. ALL OUR BOYS ARE VERY GOOD BOYS!

Signed,GERALD® F. VIIPresident

–dictated but not read.–

Welp. Seems like a cut and dry case. I’m just going to leave it at that. If anyone has any further comment or leads, I encourage you to email me at

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Rachel for picking up Kyle Schwarber. Holy balls did he have a week. He gifted her 6 home runs, 11 RBIs and slashed .385/1.491. She caught him on the beastliest week possible.

The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to PK for streaming Carlos Martinez. His 24.00 ERA almost gave PK the boost he needed to beat my Worst Week Ever record. But alas, he didn’t. I still own the worst ERA of all time. Thank god.

That’s it, kids. Don’t forget to take your vitamins, set your lineups and don’t bother checking to see if Wander Franco is a free agent. He’s mine. All mine!!!! Muahahahahahaha!!!!111

– TeeCoZee