Day 270: My Monster Has No Name

My monster has no name

But I’ve known him well for some time

We were acquainted when I was 18

He hung around for a month

Scaring the living daylights out of me

But he might’ve always been there

He might’ve just decided that I was old enough

To see what he could do


My monster has no name

But he certainly knows mine

He once followed me to San Francisco

Crept up on me while I was in the park

I thought his jaws were in me tight

It truly felt like the end

I went up to some policemen but couldn’t say anything

They would never believe me

So I climbed to the top of a hill and waited for him to leave


My monster has no name

But he’s living with me rent-free

He stopped by for a visit a few years ago

And didn’t want to leave

He took weeks and months away from me

As I walked through life in a haze

The more I thought about him, the more powerful he became

He tapped into all of my fears

And made them feel like a reality

I don’t remember what I did to vanquish him

He just kind of got bored and left

And I’ve spent every day since not being able to put my guard down

Knowing he’d be back someday


My monster has no name

And I wish I could describe him to you

I would be feeling totally fine

Not a single thing could be going wrong

And suddenly my chest goes cold

I lose my balance

I sometimes sweat

Sometimes I lose my breath

There are times where it immediately feels like I’m going to die

And there are times where I’m just dizzy for days

You’d think it’d get easier

You’d think I could man up and manage

But he abuses me and cripples me

And only leaves on his own terms


My monster has no name

But he announces himself when he shows up

He came knocking a couple of weeks ago

And I tried to ignore him

I sat on the couch saying nothing, doing nothing

That only made him more angry

He’s trying his damndest to take control

He wants to ruin everything

He wants me to lose my friends

He wants to destroy my marriage

He wants me to lose my job

He won’t rest until I’m reduced to nothing

And the way I feel right now

He seems to be winning


My monster has no name

But I really wish he did

So I could get everyone to help me smash that motherfucker into pieces

I look at people on the street

And envy how normal they must feel

This isn’t a way to live

And I’m determined to not do it anymore

I’m sick of feeling dizzy

I’m sick of feeling helpless

But most of all

I’m sick of having to lay this on the people I love

So today, I’m making a change

I’m arming myself to the teeth

And I promise that he’ll be sorry


My monster has no name

But if he did, he’d be named Troy

Because no matter which way I slice it

The monster is a product of me

Today, I reached a breaking point in my panic episodes. It got so bad that I was sent home from work. I wrote this on the train and as soon as I got home, I signed up for BetterHelp. My mental health is no longer something I can keep gambling on and hopefully this helps me get to something resembling normal. If you ever feel like I do or let your brain get in the way of living your life, just know you’re not alone. I encourage you to do what I did and arm yourself against your monster. Also, just fucking hit me up. I’m sure we could use each other’s company. Take care of yourself. I’m trying to do the same. I promise.

– TeeCoZee