Day 269: At Least The Wild Card Spots Are Highly Contested [Beer League Roundup Week 10]

Bonjour, Beeg Leerers. Another week has passed and once again, most of us are even farther away farther winning our division. The jabronis that Joe and Bryan faced were able to muster a combined total of 1 point. One fucking point. And that point was for double plays. The state of the standings right now are getting real discouraging. There’s a 23 point gap between third place and first. Every week, they keep adding to our cushion while we fight every day, convinced that we somehow stand a chance. And every week, I round it all up like any of it matters. Well, it does to me damnit! The season is still young! All it’s going to take is for Joe to get shut out 3 weeks in a row. So Kaitlyn, it’s on you to start the streak. We all belee in yew!

GERALDS FRAUDS shut out BQE Bongshow, 12-0

The sad part is, this was actually close. 7 of the points had razor thin margins. This could have easily swung into a tie. But there’s no God, so it was a shutout. If PK would have started Andrew McCutchen and Joey Wendle more often, he would’ve easily won 4 of those points. But that’s baseball, I guess. Even with his bats going lukewarm, he still dominated. Even when half of his rotation threw meatballs, his pitching stats were still sparkling. The baseball world is shining upon him while we gaze on, covered in mud. Just like he always wanted.

Cheese Whiz shook up RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure, 10-4

We can totally excuse Kelsey for having an off week. She spent her birthday living like an absolute boss in Miami, so therefore she didn’t have time to be an absolute boss in the digital world. I understand that. That’s excusable. What’s not excusable is that this is the second week in a row that she didn’t record a save. Somebody trade this girl a closer, for Pete’s sake! However, saves is the only stat that she totally underperformed in. Everywhere else, she was very middle of the road. She was moreso the victim of Amanda continuing her reign of terror. Since breaking the heart of her significant other, she hasn’t put her foot off the gas and she isn’t looking back. On the week, she only had 2 batters hit below .296. By comparison, Kelsey only had 4 batter bat above .296.

Amanda’s 0.336 average was only second to…[checks notes]…ME?!? That’s what’s up! In speaking of not being able to beat me, Kelsey’s 6.53 ERA was still short of my record of worst ERA of all time. Now that the league is cracking down on Laffy Taffy, I’m expecting this record to be broken any week now. Kind of ironic that the one week that Lucas Giolito didn’t get his tits lit, the rest of Kelsey’s rotation did.

House of Brews collected the tab from Team 2 Be Named L8er, 9-5

Rachel ended up with the best ERA in the league by over a full run. However, her 37.1 IP is just puzzling. With the exception of Scherzer, who pitched one clean out, all of her starters pitched quality starts. It was just bad luck that had them all pitching only once this week. Regardless, Paul plugged away for a ho-hum victory. All of his highlights come with a but. Tatis went yard twice with a grand slam, but he hit .200. Jose Abreu batted .333, but did nothing much else. Yordan Alvarez had himself a week, but he’s still a dirty fucking Astro. The victory keeps Paul in 3rd place, but he’s a long ways out of second and I’m creeping right up behind him.

US2 Onion Melter won the Toilet Bowl against the Connecticut Rainbows, 8-5

Oh, what fun. The 11th place team barely beat the 12th place team. Much like a Tigers-Mariners series. They may suck at baseball, but they’re still really good guys. Well done, Matt. You’re actually 3 points away from sliding into 9th. Still nowhere near a playoff spot, but it’s something. Kind of. Not really. Anyways, here’s “Downtown Train”

Tommy Lasoda carbonated Dollar Dogs, 10-4

Although I had the best batting average in the league, it doesn’t feel legit. Kaitlyn had 24 more at bats than me. Truth be told, I had a lot of days without a full starting lineup. A lot of my guys are in injury purgatory. But when they did play, they fuckin mashed. Stanton, Cruz and Justin Turner each went yard thrice. I played Gavin Lux on precisely the right days. I honestly just fell into a bunch of good luck, which is something that hasn’t happened to me lately.

On the Kaitlyn side of things, Bo Bichette propelled the Jays to some ridiculous things and Max Stassi carried the Angels offensively with the absence of Mike Trout. But the Angels need Mike Trout to get well soon, as does Kaitlyn. After suffering a devastating loss last week, she stumbled in the recovery process. Despite that, she’s still firmly clinging on to a wild card spot, as are the rest of us in the bubble.

Because now, the league has formed into three separate bubbles. You have Joe and Bryan sitting in their tower, doing blow and betting it all on Red just to feel something. Then there’s the 3-6th place teams that are very slowly breaking away from the rest of the league. If things keep trending this way, we could even have a somewhat clear playoff picture by the All Star break.

Batting Cages sent the fast pitch to Gus Polinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi, 11-1

Colin had one job. He just had to beat Bryan within an inch of his life and he couldn’t do it. And now his second place lead is even cushier. Thanks, Colin. We all appreciate it. What’s even more heartbreaking is that Bryan had a very middling week. He didn’t lead the league in anything, yet still almost ran away with the shutout. This wasn’t so much Bryan winning than it was Colin falling on hard times. Bryan had Rhys Hoskins go 0-19, yet he still won in batting average. Colin just has a lot of flash in the pan guys that are getting figured out. Yet in Mercedes, Nick Solak, Patrick Wisdom and Jonathan India are now falling to earth hard. Now if only this evening out could happen to Joe…

I asked Colin what he would’ve done differently to avoid such a shellacking. I also questioned the rumors that he was planning on removing the crown from his name. He responded:

Shellacking? That’s a two dollar word if I ever heard one. My boys went out there and played their hearts out, I mean in, Posey almost got heat stroke but he said leave me in coach, and I’ll be sure to win one for yer’ Gipper. If I knew how the cards were gonna lay I woulda folded instead of trying to sink the Cages’ battleship. They really all were cooking with Crisco, and got a good number of double donger days to show for it.

What I would’ve done differently is played the games one day at a time, and take the strikes with the gutters and take the strikes with the BBs. But I still believe in the Church of Baseball and still believe in a thing called love and I still believe in these boys.

As far as the name of this franchise is concerned, no comment other than the press would be better served getting to the bottom of the embezzlement scandal of the previous commissioner’s office than trade such unsubstantiated gossip as to the removal of crowns and / or sausage from Gus’ team crest.

Joe, you have exactly one week to come up with a response regarding this embezzlement. As the interim commissioner, I was not made aware of these activities and frankly, I’m a little worried that I may be made a scapegoat. Hit me up on AIM and we can talk. When my away message says “Returning some videotapes”, you’ll know it’s a secure line.

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Kaitlyn for picking up Jake Fraley. He hit two bombs, swiped two bags and enjoyed a .943 OPS since Wednesday while still only being owned by 10% of Yahoo leagues. She clearly knew something that nobody else didn’t.

The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Colin for streaming Jackson Kowar. His start lasted two outs, where he earned a 54.00 ERA and 7.50 WHIP. That would make anyone…Kowar. Shut up, Troy.

That’s all for the week. Remember to take your vitamins, set your lineup and root for Kaitlyn as she takes on the embezzling tyrant himself. We believe in you! We have no choice!

– TeeCoZee